Requeim For The Feenyx

2010-04-24T07:59:00.001+08:00

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down."

- Dr. Percival Ulysses Cox

2010-04-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

We sing the same song, you and I
With lead feet in deep water, we cry out to live or die
Instead, we tread in waves to stay alive
Our heads above the grave,
but there's no one to save us this time.

So I will sing,
and you will hear me
and join the chorus so we can start again
Our voices raised,
are flawed but freeing
our souls so we can change and start again

My life's a painting I've done blind
With each brush stroke, you'll see me blur every solid line
Over this canvas, I have stood with no one left beside me,
no one to decide if it's good.

Who Am I?

2010-03-19T11:25:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you look ahead too much till you forget to look back and realise all the stuffs that was left behind. We look to the future so much, that we at at times fail to even comprehend or appreciate the present, or the past. We do what we can for that distant goal, but we did not see what is right in front of us. Some people say the means justifies the end. But to me, the journey is more important than the end or the start.

Simply because the journey is what determines the destination.

21.

I still can't believe that I'm 21 years of age.

It seems like only yesterday that I was underneath the block talking crap with my secondary school friends after a game of street soccer.

It seems like only yesterday I was in the props room, making a ruckus with the other propstars.

How time flies.

So many memories, so many people. Each and every one of them made an impact in my life, whether big or small; an impact nonetheless. Some came with a bang, and left with a whisper. Some came quietly, but left me in wonder when they leave.

Thats the nature of life issn't it? One day that person's here and the next thing you know, he's gone. And then what matters most is not the fact of how long he was there beside you, but how much of an impact he had made.

And that brings about a question to the front of my head. What impact have I made on the people around me, past or present?

It was really a head-spinning question since I'm wasn't a very people person. I tend to just stick to myself at times but like every other human, deep inside, we want to know that we HAVE made an impression, an impact to the people around us.

I really don't know. I am not an outgoing person like Nazif or Arep, who seems to be able to infect people with their laughter and cheeriness. I wasn't a good or inspirational leader like Faan or Faizul whom people can look up to as a role model. Nor was I a confident yet borderline tyrannical leader like Din or Fahmi (I joke).

Come to think of it, this brings about ANOTHER question. Who am I really?

Who is this Muhammad Sufyan Al-Khalifah Ibn Roslan?

Thing is, it really depends on who you ask. Different people will tell you different things about me. Lets take for example, should you ask Faan, he would tell you that I'm a analytical, psychological guy who likes to indulge in theological debates but yet am very crappy and likes to daydream crazy things.

BUT, should you ask him about me a few years back, he would simply say that I am an Emokid.

Yes, you get that right. Emokid.

To tell the truth, I was NEVER one.

Yes, I do admit that I do listen to emo bands but being one? No, never.

You see, thats the thing. People's perception of you changes over time, because they get to know you better or experience more of your quirks as time goes by. So perception is never a constant thing, especially towards human behaviour.

Truth is, I don't fully know myself yet. With every day that passes by, I'm constantly knowing new things about myself. And not to mention getting confused over myself too. Its like one of those times when you don't normally do something but you go ahead and do it and after that, you're asking yourself, "What the hell did I do that for?".

I'm still finding myself, and always will. Its as if I am in a whirlpool of change, and I'm at the eye of it. I'm the only constant while everything around me moves in hyperspeed.

In every step of the way I will be faced with obstacles. But I know these are just tests from Him. And furthermore, how I face these obstacles will further define who I am.

In every step of the way, I will be faced with times in which I need a guiding hand. But I know, He will always be beside me. And I will have my mentors to look for guidance.

In every step of the way, I will be faced with sadness, with heartbreak. But I know these are His Ways in getting me back to Him and making me stronger. And I shall have my loved ones around me to bring me back up again.

Because truth is, to be able to make an impact on others, you must first make an impact on yourself. Only then will everything radiate from you and touch others around you.

Fi amanillah, barakallahu feekum
=)

The Trumpet Player

2010-02-12T02:15:00.001+08:00

Always in the way, I think I've had enough of this
Why is everyone so cold and lonely?
Here I go again, I'll try relating to the selfishly absurd

Take me for a ride and leave me somewhere I can live
Without feeling everybody's sorrow
I want to feel the numbness that surrounds most of our hearts
To feel like I am normal while ripping lives apart

Somewhere on the way to degradation
I met a man who put me in my place
He said,"You will not see me,
You'll know the truth when you hear this trumpet play"

Doctor can you give me something for my state of mind?
If we're all on the same pill it's alright
"Sorry son you'll have to walk this bridge without a crutch
We're out of medication, the world is out of love"

Just then I heard something from the distance
The trumpet player sitting on the hill
He said "I really do not have an answer now"
Then vanished standing still

In the face on everyone I saw a little madness
And decided not to be part of that scene
The only way it seemed

Always on the wrong side of affection
We step on heads to get oere than we need
Never understanding the afterglow
The reflection of our greed

Lets Get Skanking!

2010-02-11T02:03:00.003+08:00

NEWSFLASH!

- The Nation finally has need of my services. Shall report to the base on 25th March at 0800 hours

- Spending two weeks with a bunch of kids half your age has never been this fun. And touching. Especially when they cried and asked you to stay. And especially when you're one of the nominees for the STAR Teaching Award even though your name is not eligible to be entered in the first place

- My laptop has finally shown signs of old age after 5 excellent years of service. Stop laughing, I'd like to see where your laptop is after 5 years. If it even lasts that long.

- Music has never been the same again. Moreover after a whole night of downloading to update my aging playlist. Don't worry, the policy of

"No Techno (except Sharon Den Adel's ONE song), No RnB (except for Maher Zain), No Trance/Dance/Techtonic or in other words, crap music."

still very much applies. And I've found some old-timer songs of my youth. Time to get skanking~

- Tom Holt books kicks ass so much that my ass is getting sore after those hours of ass-kicking excitement reading his books

- I have decided to pick up where I let off in stuntbiking all those while back. Approximately 8 years back, I was a former X-Games athlete, participating in the BMX catagory, under Flatland.
Flatland issn't a very popular branch of BMX. Usually on the streets you see those street riders, bunnyhopping, grinding the streets like nobody's business. Flatland does nothing of the sort. Its more like poetry in motion. Yes, I know I'm not explaining anything here.

- I think I just overflowed my playlist with punkrock.

why?

Because its my job to keep punkrock elite. THATS why.

Watch this space

By Myself

2010-01-15T10:55:00.003+08:00

and as every passing day goes by, the tendrils grow deeper within my thoughts.

Where once I see hope, now I see uncertainty.

Where once I see light, now I see murky cloudiness.

I hide behind it all, putting up a facade, smiling and laughing as I go along.

But the cracks have shown.

In fact, it has always been there, yet I was the one who turned away from it.

Gone were the days where I feel invincible, where problems in life were mere irritants.

Where I feel as if nothing can ever slow me down.

Ahhh, the folly of being young. To think that you're unbreakable. To laugh at others when they are down.

Then life smacks you hard in the face.

No longer can I make decisions in an impulse unlike last time where I know I am able to handle any consequences that comes my way.

The what-ifs surrounds my thinking now whenever I want to make a step. Its like taking two steps forward but three steps back. Point is, I'm moving backwards, not forwards.

Faan called this 'maturity'. Something which he saw developing within me from the start of Exco 35th to this fully developed state now.

But I don't know. Is being uncertain about everything being mature? Is needing assurance from the people around you, moreover the ones you love most, being mature?

Because the way I see it I'm dropping down into an abyss, with not much footholds as I had last time. And perhaps that is why I'm holding on desperately to the ones that I still have.

What do I do to ignore what's behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride away from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let it go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Cause I cant hold when I'm strecthed so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
Take from me till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

Fear

2010-01-12T09:36:00.002+08:00

Perhaps, its starting to show.

Maybe I've been in denial for too long, pretending that it doesn't affect me but the truth is, I'm pushing it aside and occupying my mind with other things instead.

But ignore is as much as I like, it doesn't change the fact that it has always been there. Like a parasite at the back of my mind, bidding its time.

You see, fear is just a feeling that we feel.
Nothing more, nothing less.

and like any other feelings that we have, it can grow...it can fade...and it can dissappear.

Fear is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life.
It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know.

It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy.

It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease.
It begins in your mind.

One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy.

Then fear, disguised in the garb of doubt, slips into your mind like a spy.

Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out.
But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble.
You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured.

Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology.
But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low.

You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.
Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on.

Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing.

Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much.
And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart.
Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.
Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope, faith and trust.
There, you've defeated yourself.

Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it.

And this gangrene, like the dark tendrils of death itself, it creeps into every crevice of the soul, eventually entrenches itself upon the heart.

So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it.

Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

Fear manifests itself in many ways.

And more often than not, it is the unknown that lies ahead that brings us to our knees.

Because that is how exactly I am feeling right now.

Everything around me has dissolved into nothing more than mere uncertainties.

Things have become so unpredictable that I could no longer perceive the shatterpoints. The shatterpoints are changed in a very short space of time, and I didn't even have a chance to act on it.

I have to admit. I am afraid. Afraid of the future. Of the uncertainty of it all.

All I need is assurance. But from where? How? I do not know.

Unabated

2009-12-30T09:31:00.002+08:00

Darkness...

Reigns when light falters.

Consumes when all defences are down.

Engulfs when not fought.

But needless to say, fighting darkness is like fighting a losing battle. It can never be abated. For everytime you let your guard down, it comes back. Stronger still. The only way is not to fight it. But to accept it. It is in us. In our hearts, in our minds. It is never far. It is always lurking in the shadows, ready to strike when your defences are down.

The dark is generous.
Its first gift is concealment.
As our true faces lie in the facade darkness of our skin, our true hearts remained shadowed still.
But the greatest concealment comes not from protecting our secret truths. It is from hiding us from the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.

Its second gift is comforting illusion.
The ease of gentle dreams in the night's embrace, the beauty of that imagination brings to us that will be repelled in day's harsh light.
But the greatest of its illusion is that the dark is temporary, that every night brings a new day.
Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.

Its second gift is the light itself.
Just like the days which are defined by the nights which divide them,
like stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel,
The dark embraces light and brings it forth from the centre of its own self
With each victory of the light, it is the dark which wins

Darkness is patient.
It is darkness that seeds cruelty to justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient for even the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come and the seeds will sprout for the dark is the soil in which they grow.
Darkness waits behind the star which gave them light.
Its patience is infinite.
For even stars eventually burn out.

Darkness always win.
For it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, in the kettle on the fire, under your chair, and under the sheets on your bed.
Walk in the mid-day sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

But fear not, the dark might be generous, patient and always wins.
But in the heart of darkness itself lies its weakness.
For one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars...

a man of passion..of emotions..
Of hatred, of joy, of sadness intertwined

But never once I let it go unchecked by my thoughts

a man of calculations..of tactics
of analysis, of strategy, of tactical acumen intertwined

But never once I let it go unchecked by the feelings in my heart

a man

Who thinks with his heart

and feels with his mind

But never once let it go unchecked by his own conscience

The Arbiter

2009-12-10T21:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it feels like I've seen so much,

felt so much

heard so much

Sometimes I feel like I am beyond the 20 years that I have lived.

that it comes to a time that I just want it all to end.

But we can't have that can we?

Taking the easy way out, that was never an option.

But point is, there is still so much to see out there issn't it?

So much more to experience, so much more to see...

So much more to learn...and so much more to understand.

and till then...

till then I will keep walking on this path. It may be rocky, and at times, it may be misleading. But it is my path, and I shall walk it nonetheless. To the end. To the endroad.

Happiness needs sadness.
Success needs failure.
Benevolence needs evil.
Love needs hatred.
Victory needs defeat.
Pleasure needs pain.

You must experience and accept the extremes. Because if the contrast is lost, you lose appreciation; and when you lose appreciation, you lose the value of everything.

The Essence of Duality, The Number 22.

Return To Exile

2009-11-01T21:39:00.002+08:00

I'm coming, Lord.

Take me in yet again.

-On exile till further notice-

Madah Muqaddimah

2009-10-30T07:17:00.000+08:00

Dunia ini ibarat pentas lakonan,

Manusia itulah pengarah dan pelakonnya,

Al-Quran dan As-Sunnah itulah skripnya,

Malaikat itulah jurugambarnya,

Islam itu jalan ceritanya,

Kiamat itulah kesudahan pengambarannya,

Padang masyhar tempat penganugerahannya,

Rasulullah S.A.W adalah penerima anugerah terbaiknya,

ALLAH S.W.T adalah hakimnya,

Syurga atau Neraka adalah trofinya

Musings

2009-10-19T20:15:00.002+08:00

So I was in the bus early today, coming back from SP after meeting habibati there for a while and suddenly somehow I remembered a certain quote someone said of me a few years back

"Sufyan the King Turtle. Small man, big heart...and at times big jackass also."

I wasn't quite sure who said it but if memory serves me right, it was Epin during Kem Ilusi when they announced the Best Faci award. Why King Turtle was because I was the facilitator for Kasturi Turtle, the green group for that aforementioned camp.

I don't know why that quote suddenly came to me but after that, my head was crowded with an overflow of thoughts and needless to say, I entered my deep-thinking mode

First and foremost that came to my mind was the issue of perceptions and thoughts towards myself. Or rather, external thoughts toward myself, in the context of what others see me as.

Those who know me long and well enough knows that I'm not one of those people who would go out of their way to please the masses. Or to put it bluntly, I'm someone who doesn't put too much to other's perceptions of me, or whatever it is they label me to be.

You can try to please as many people as you can, try to be the darling of everyone's eyes. But point is, there will come a time in which you stop putting too much into what others perceive you be. Simply because that is what OTHERS perceive you be. But whether or not you are really that kind of person, its up to yourself.

At times, the only reason why people tend to point out other's insecurities was because they themselves are insecure. To cover up for it, they point to others, in hope that by doing that, attention is diverted to other people instead.

It is good though, at times to please people, but not to the point of sucking up. Because at times, not even bothering to please people will make a bigger issue of the picture. But we have to be reminded of this. It is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone. Point of fact. No running away from it. I believe that either the Prophet or Ali Bin Abu Talib said the same quote, I can't be too sure of that.

Case in point, look no further than our Prophet himself S.A.W, the greatest role model anyone could have, the greatest Human ever to walk on this Earth. Even he himself could not please everyone, despite his greatness. Even up till now, there are alot of kafirun out there still tarnishing his good name, naudzubillah minzaliq.

To please everyone, is walking on the path to failure. Because you are walking on the path of impossibility. And even worse, you are making yourself into what others want you to be, not what you actually are.

Thats the harsh reality of it all. Different people have different perceptions, different way of thinking, different mindsets. What some people perceive as good, others will perceive as bad. Thats the reality of it. Example:

You walk past a beggar and decided to give her some money, from the goodness of your heart, Ikhlas. Some people saw and the first thought that came to mind was, Alhamdulillah, baik hati orang ni kasi sedekah. Another group of people saw and their first thought was, Wah kerek, banyak duit nak tunjukkan uh tu.

Astargfirullah, but yes, there are people like that. But what I am trying to say is, YOU CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE. Even when your intention is good, is ikhlas, there are still some who will think otherwise.

And that comes to this. At the final stage, what matters most is your NIAT. In the case of the example I gave above, you give with ikhlas, what's your niat? For Him. Then, to hell with what people say. Because in the long run, its between you and Him. Not you and the rest. They can say what they want to say, but ultimately, it is Him who knows of your true intention.

Some people say, if so make your intentions known. So what do you expect, to tell the whole world that you're giving sedekah to that beggar out of the goodness of your heart? When the Prophet himself had said that give charity such as that your left hand does not know of what your right hand has given.

Issue of niat has been one of the hotly debated topics among the Muslim scholars ever since the Khulfah Rashidun. Many questions have arised regarding it. Many have called others heretics or blasphemy. But to me, its clear cut.

Niat is between the individual and God. No other person knows about it (unless he makes it known) and thus no one has the right to second-guess another's intentions. Some people even say that second-guessing another person's intention is committing a minor syirik as you are trying to do something that only God can. I don't know about that, frankly, it sounds abit too Wahabbi-ish to me.

But even then, there's a line that I draw regarding Niat. (*Take note that this is my opinion ONLY*)
Lets say, if what you do is HARAM, then your niat, no matter how good it is, IT IS STILL HARAM.

For example,

Two days ago, my cousin informed me of a job vacancy being a waiter in some banquet or something. Pay is good, 7-8 per hour, which is high for a part-time job. But something clicked in me and I asked if beer or other alcoholic drinks will be served. The moment he said yes, I know where I stand. No. This is not a job for me. True, I do need the cash to further my studies and not be a burden to abah, but I have my stand and I'm sticking to it. With reference to this hadith:

It was reported by Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

"God’s curse falls on ten groups of people who deal with alcohol. The one who distills it, the one for whom it has been distilled, the one who drinks it, the one who transports it, the one to who it has been brought, the one whom serves it, the one who sells it, the one who utilizes money from it, the one who buys it and the one who buys it for someone else."

- According to Sunan Ibn-I-Majah Volume 3, Book of Intoxicants, Chapter 30 Hadith No. 3380

as it was written, even the person who serves it is in sin. As it is haram, most likely the money that is derived from it is haram as well but wallahuakhlam, He knows best. As for me, I'd rather play safe for this case.

Another example would be in the case:

We live in a community. A community in which is a melting pot of different mindsets, different ideals, different outlooks. And different perceptions. More often than not, one collides with the other. More often than not, one perception is in conflict with the other.

In the early years of Islam, it is the same. There are conflicts in ideals but the genius that is the Prophet instilled one very important point in each and every Muslim's head at that time and that is, Diversity in Unity. Or to put it simply, tolerance for each and every person's perceptions. Because the Prophet is fully aware that everyone's perceptions differs, so that is what he instilled in them, tolerance.

But like everything else, things have been going on a downturn. Gone are the days where anyone could speak their mind in a certain matter and not be looked down upon by the other members. Gone are the days where someone could do something with ikhlas without others trying to second-guess their intentions.

These days, its commonplace to find others talking about a certain someone behind their backs, despite words from the Prophet prohibiting it so.

You might say that your niat in doing so is to have that person realise his doings. But why aren't you telling it straight to that person and instead talking behind his back? Oh, you're afraid of hurting him.

Hmms. I want to see the same care and concern you will give that person when during the Day comes, you'll be found guilty of slander or backbiting. Oh wait, of course not. You'll be too busy trying to save your own skin.

Hadith narrates:

"And follow not (O man, i.e., say not or do not or witness not) that of which you have no knowledge. Verily, the hearing, and the sight, and the heart, of each of those ones will be questioned (by Allah).'' (17:36)

1523. Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "Do you know what is backbiting?'' The Companions said: "Allah and His Messenger know better.'' Thereupon he said, "Backbiting is talking about your (Muslim) brother in a manner which he dislikes.'' It was said to him: "What if my (Muslim) brother is as I say.'' He said, "If he is actually as you say, then that is backbiting; but if that is not in him, that is slandering.''
[Muslim].

Commentary: This Hadith elaborates the meaning of backbiting and calumny and points out the difference between the two along with the evils of each one of them. Both these evils are mischief of the tongue and entail great troubles. May Allah save us from both.

1521. Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (PBUH) said, "When the son of Adam gets up in the morning, all the limbs humble themselves before the tongue and say: `Fear Allah for our sake because we are with you: (i.e., we will be rewarded or punished as a result of what you do) if you are straight, we will be straight; and if you are crooked, we will become crooked.'''
[At-Tirmidhi].

Commentary: This Hadith shows the importance of guarding one's tongue against that which is prohibited. Even the slightest carelessness on the part of the tongue can make all the organs suffer for it.

Point is, if you have some constructive criticism to give someone, give it straight to that person. Don't gang up together behind his back and talk about it. Like the hadith above narrates, even though what you're saying might be right, it is still slander.

And one last thing, before you even think of imposing your perception on how someone would be, remind yourself first, how would YOU like it if people impose their perceptions on you? Living in a society, we have to be tolerant. Everyone has their own personal perceptions. Live with it.

No one person can dictate the status quo. Why? Because the status quo is the Quran and the Sunnah. Thats the true status quo that we must live with. Now and till the end.

And last I checked, backbiting was never a part of that status quo
=)

This post is, first and foremost, a reminder to myself. Because I am human and I am prone to doing this mistakes. Furthermore, this post has nothing to do with anyone, anything or any society in particular. But still, I leave it up to your own perceptions about it.

Wallahuakhlam. He knows best.

on another note:

It takes a minute to like someone
It takes an hour to be infatuated
It takes days to fall in love
It takes weeks to make sure your intention is true
It takes months to get it right

But somehow...

It takes just a moment to turn away from everything
It takes just a second to change that intention to something false
It takes another second more to deviate from His Path
And forget that it is Him that allows us to walk this path

Let us, in every night prostrate before Him in reverence to everything that has transpired
the good, the bad. Everything. Because everything happens for a reason
and everything happens ultimately for one purpose, to get us closer to Him.
and also remind ourselves.

Whatever happened happened and could not have possibly happened any other way.

Fi Amanillah
Salam alaik.

Laments

2009-10-12T16:09:00.002+08:00

Perhaps I'm just tired.

Perhaps I'm just exhausted of it all.

Because at times its just normal for every human to give their all and one day look back and ask themselves whether its worth it or not.

Because sometimes when everything feels as if they're going against you, all you need is that one light, one ray of hope that makes everything seems alright. But it never came.

Because sometimes, even the closest to you, the one you depend on most disappoints you greatly. Because that person is as human as any of us.

I can say that I've stopped hoping , I can say that I've turned away.

But the truth is, I never did.

Because sometimes, when you have nothing left, the only thing for you to hold on to is Hope.
And hold on to it I will.

But I didn't know the rope of hope is a thorny one.

Radiance

2009-10-07T10:30:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

If You chose to take away the sun, so be it. If You chose to put me through the harshest storm that You can muster, so be it. If You chose to not let me see the Rainbow after the rain, so be it.

But God,

Please don't ever take away Radiance from me.

For without the sun, Radiance will shine the way.

For throughout the storm, it was Radiance who stood by me, illuminating this heart and giving me the hope and strength to stand up and never turn away from You.

For I never did care, nor am I interested in seeing the Rainbow. Not with Radiance by my side.

The colours of the Rainbow pales in comparison to the illuminating incandescence of Radiance

Don't stop shining Radiance upon me, Lord.
I am always enamoured, but never blinded by its beauty
=)

the stars in the night
they lend me their light
to get me closer to heaven with you(:

ilysvvm Radiance <3

Prodigal Son

2009-10-01T09:00:00.005+08:00

"Sometimes we ask for sunshine, God takes it away and put storms in place of it.
We cry and be desolate and ask where the sun has gone, when all these while, God had wanted us to see the rainbow after the storm."

A very meaningful quote.

A very nicely-thought quote.

A quote that I'm starting to get sick of.

Why?

Because people are overusing it. Its novelty is gone. With everywhere I go, I see the same quote over and over again, albeit with some changes to it. And you know what irks me most?

Its the fact that most, if not all of them. JUST SEEM TO FOCUS ON THE RAINBOW.

So? Why is that wrong? Whats wrong with focusing on the Rainbow when its a sign of hope for everyone?

No, there's nothing wrong with the rainbow. Hell, I like rainbows too. They're colourful and reminds me of paddle pop ice cream but whats wrong is when we are too focused on the rainbow itself to actually understand the whole meaning of the quote.

Point is, why Allah has us go through all those storms and obstacles is NOT to see the rainbow. Its for us to learn something from it. THATS why He made obstacles in front of us. THATS why He has us go through all that. The rainbow at the end of it, its not an objective for us. IT IS A REWARD.

Understand that. The rainbow is meant to be a reward, a reward for those who persevered through the storm, for those who stayed resilient through it. For those who at every step of the way during the storm, never once. And I repeat again, NEVER ONCE , turned away from Him because He took away the sun.

So think twice before you cry about not getting to the rainbow.

You know Lord, I couldn't care less about the rainbow anymore. I couldn't care less much about the sun anymore. You know what Lord, I just want this storm to stop. Or lessen. I'm tired, Lord. I know I told You that it doesn't matter how harsh the storm would be, I would still not turn away from You and yes, I hold to that. But Lord, I'm tired. I just am. Please make the storm lessen or stop kie? I don't mind if there are no rainbows or the sun doesn't come out. Just make it stop, Lord. I'm tired. I want abit of reprieve. Just a bit will do.

I can try to hide it all I want

I can try to tell myself that its going to be okay

But the truth is, this heart doesn't lie

Especially when-

No.

No no no no no.

Let it be.

Let it be left unsaid. Let me hurt. Let me feel the pain.

I will gladly bear it.

After all...

To hold a rose and fully appreciate its beauty, one must bear with it, thorns and all.

Even if the thorns hurt you.

Exile

2009-09-11T20:54:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah

All praises be to Allah S.W.T, Lord of All Creation; from the highest, staunchest mountain to the smallest most insignificant microbe. He who showers every Being of His Creation with His Grace; His Generosity; His Compassion.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for making P.S.P a success even though it did not started brightly enough. Thank you for opening my eyes to the reality of it, as how I had shown Zahira, in contrast with our experience in RYC and now in PSP. Thank you Lord.

My heartfelt gratitude goes to the whole committee. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for giving your time and your utmost effort into this event. You guys don't know how much it means to me. Words can't quite convey my gratitude to you people I guess. But at this moment, its all I have. Thank you((:

To a certain programmer, what I said during the last short debrief was mainly for you. I don't care whether you trust me or not, whether you believe me or not but what I'm trying to say is that I have trusted you and I will always do. You may call me anything you want, a jerk, asshole, whatever, but never once did my trust in you wavered. I will not bow down to as low as that just because you called me those things. I have always believed that you have the ability, insyaAllah, through this event, you would realise that. And you would realise that I harbor not even an ounce of hatred or whatsoever towards you. I never did.

To *you, thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for holding me back up when I felt like breaking down. Thank you for being constantly at my side, giving me the strength and supporting me through it all. Thank you. and I love you.

Yesterday's Night of Power was truly something special. I was a participant-turned-facilitator-cum-marshall, whatever that means. Weird thing was my group had only 7 participants in it, but facilitated by 4 facis. Talk about overkill.

Cakap Pasal Remaja was a tearjerker. Job very well done for the CPR team, and of course, Mr Director, Zul. But I personally think that Ustaz Sofian's part was too draggy. I slept through it, mainly because its either I have a light sleep so I can Tahajjud later or I don't sleep at all, thus not fulfilling the requirements to perform Tahajjud prayers.

Qiyam was a wonderous thing yesterday. Somewhat, I exceeded my expectations. Alhamdulillah
=))

The event ended after Subuh, but I did not went off straight after that. Sat around in a circle with Ustaz Ahmad in a very impromptu tabligh as he shares about how we could follow up on this NOP. Kinda weird because everyone there except for me and Azhar belongs to NEMC, with me coming from CMC and Azhar from NWMC. But still we shared our inputs together and alhamdulillah, manage to derive something good out of it.

After that, I was thinking of going home straight but instead saw the CMC facis chatting with each other at the tentage area. I joined them and we talked for quite some time. Again, it became a very impromptu sharing session as Taufiq, Shahrum and I goreng-ed Nabilah (Nasyitah's sister) about certain issues. But again, alhamdulillah input was very good and hopefully everyone gains something out of it, insyaAllah(:

Now, I watch as the clock ticks time away slowly but surely. Merely hours away before I start embarking on my journey. Just hours away before I start on my exile.

Some people have asked me why I am doing this, why I am imposing this upon myself. Questions is, why can't I?

This Ramadhan has undoubtedly been a very fruitful one for me. I have seen myself at my weakest. I have seen my vulnerabilities bared out all before me. I have insyaAllah tried harder to get closer to Him. And finally, I have finally known what it feels like to love someone for the sake of Allah S.W.T.

But I am not satisfied still. I am still weak, and I will always be. I need You, Lord. I need You always. Through my good days and my bad, I need You always, Lord.

So in this blessed last 10 nights of this blessed month, I will strive. I will strive to better myself for You, Lord. I will strive to be a better person and also strive to find the holy night, Lailatul Qadr', the Night of a Thousand Months. Guide me Lord, and give me the Strength to get through this.

This shall be my last entry for the month of Ramadhan.

To every one of my readers who have waited patiently with me over the years for me to update, to blog on rather cumbersome thoughts of mine, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with me.

If ever anyone who read this blog and found themselves hurt or angry over what I had written, I apologise sincerely from the bottom of my heart. My posts are never meant to hurt or provoke, only to encourage rational thought.

As such, I leave you now.

InsyaAllah I will return back after my journey.

Salam alaik. Barakallahu feekum. Fi amanillah.

Rise Above This

2009-09-09T10:38:00.001+08:00

Take the light and darken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely I’m lost without you

I may have failed, but whoever said that I was giving up?

I will rise back up, and will be a better person for us.
I promise you that.

Call your name everyday when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down but I’ll rise above this, rise above this

Failed

2009-09-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

Hadirnya dirimu didalam hidupku,
Telah merubah segalanya
Dan telah aku lewati saat gelap hidupku,
Namun aku masih tak menyakini,

Diriku yang cuba menghapuskan,
Mimpi-mimpi buruk yang lalu
Inginku berlari,
dan menggapai hasratku

Apakah kau kan berlalu pergi,
Terkapai-kapai aku,
inginku membuktikan,
kejujuranku kepadamu,
Dan kini kusedari diriku,
Masih liar untuk dimiliki

Finally, I think my fever has caught up on me. I've been fighting it, keeping it on hold ever since the start of Ramadhan, I think. I have no idea how I managed to keep it at bay even though I wasn't at all in a good emotional state of mind throughout those days. Thank You Allah for granting me the strength and the will to fight through it. But yes, I understand if the fever would be full-blown right now. But Dear Lord, please if possible, let it be full blown after Night Of Power please. I'd like to prostrate in reverence to you without having a full-blown headache.

Now before this fever takes full control of me, I'd like to empty some thoughts of mine into this blog. Good thing that this blog has a viewer readership of 'non-existent' except for those few who came along just to tag nonsensical unrelated tags on my tagboard. Other than those people, I doubt anyone else is aware of this blog. Which suits me just well.

Events that had transpired over these few weeks have undoubtedly brought me on an emotional roller coaster.

Ramadhan Youth Camp CMC@ An-Nahdhah was a nice experience, though it falls short of my expectations. But lets put aside that for a while and focus instead on the brighter side. I'm happy with the ukhuwah that was forged among the facilitators during the camp. Some of the guy facis like Taufiq, Zakaria and Zul, I had already known them before, but didn't had a chance to talk to them closely. Alhamdulillah, this camp have allowed me to interact with them more.

What I'm most amazed by was the link forged between me and my partner faci, Shawal. I think it mostly boils down him being so much similar to my close friend, Hadi Sufyan. Shawal's a good guy, good partner to be with, just wished that he could take more initiative instead of always waiting for me to give the cue. He even once temankan me to the toilet when I broke down even though I told him to stay with the team. Good partner. Thanks for the memories, bro.

Next up will be PSP. The first ever event that I am chairman of even though its my fourth year in SPMLS. Weird issn't it. I have attained one of the highest position in the society but this is the first event that I am chairing. This goes to show that how much we still have to learn despite having a so-called 'top' post. And oh by the way, for me, the level of your post doesn't mean anything. What means most is what you do while you're at that position. Because thats what He will ask you later =)

I'm afraid. I'm afraid for the outcome of PSP. And I know, I stand guilty of this. I had not been giving my best for the committee. I can say that alot of the time, I am doing a one-man show at the top but nothing can change the fact that I should have done better. Too many things happening at once, needless to say, I was stretched too thinly. To the committee, my heartfelt sorrow towards my failing. I'm very sorry for being a sorry excuse for your leader. You guys deserve someone much better.

I've failed to many times already. I think its about time that I reconsider myself as a leader of the organisation. Perhaps, after this event, I will not be taking anymore leadership roles.

But most of all, what hurts me most is the fact that I have failed *you. It hurts me most when I look at the mirror and realised that my best for you just wasn't good enough. I don;t know how many times was it that I had overextended myself, stumbling down on the ground, making a fool of myself in front of you. I wonder how you could stand me, being a sorry excuse. I'm sorry for failing you. But know this. Know that I had loved you from the start, and will always do. Know that when your heart is longing for that certain someone; this heart of mine is longing too.

At MacRitchie Reservoir, you gave me the heart and said ,"Keep my heart for me okie?"

Even though it was a light-hearted moment, I take it seriously. I will keep your heart with me. Always.

And ouh, Allahu Yashfik ya habibati. Please get well soon((:

Maafkanku,
Kerna mengingkari janji yang terpatri dahulu padamu

Maafkanku,
Atas kekurangan yang ada pada diriku ini.

Broken

2009-09-02T14:19:00.002+08:00

Its not even halfway through Ramadhan and I'm already on my knees.

I've taken all I can stand, but no, I'm not giving up just yet.

True that within a matter of days, I've watched the beautiful symphony we've conducted spiral totally out of control; destroying almost everything. I've watched everything around me fall apart and the worst part is, I can't do anything about it.

nothing at all.

I'm too weak to go through this. Every moment I am besieged by my thoughts, now sharpened to hurt rather than to provoke rational thinking. Every step of the way I am uncertain. Paranoia. Fear. The pain overwhelmed me, taking away everything from me, leaving me in this state that you see me now. I faltered in my steps, I buckled in my stand and fall down to my knees. I couldn't stand it anymore. I want it to end. I want it to stop. And then, I remembered.

When you're down on your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray

And it was then that I realised what this meant. Ramadhan is divided into 3 parts. The first part, which is the first 10 days, are for seeking Allah S.W.T's mercy.

But what exactly is seeking Allah's Mercy?

Mercy from God during the first ten days of Ramadan is believed to come in abundance from God who is the first teacher in beneficence from His own actions. God knows that this is a trying time for the Muslim as she/he embarks upon a journey of fasting that takes place once a year.

As such, it is a surety that those who sets of to fast to not only gain merely hunger and thirst but also to harvest the bounties of Ramadhan, they will find that the first 10 days of Ramadhan as the most difficult.

Allah wants us to attain His mercy, thats why I believe that He puts some of us through the harshness of life so that we will return to Him and discover His Mercy.

Masya'Allah, when I realised that, I teared as once again I am marvelled by His Intricacies. My heart is however, still heavy and I am still battered. But my mind rests easier knowing that He will always be here with me.

Bro, somehow when you indulged us in what your mind and heart says, somehow, I wasn't quite too surprised. Suprised because I didn't know that something like this could trouble you to this extent. I mean, I'm sorry, but I guess I'm still blinded by the perception of you being this awesome giant who won't be troubled by all this things. The one who could do no wrong. The good one between the two of us. The one whom steadied me before and whom I go to always in questions of Faith. I guess, I've yet to put aside these childish perceptions of you.

It was then I told myself that you're every much as human as any of us. You bleed the same way, you bleed the same colour. But most of all, you feel the same things any of us do. Fear, anger, serenity...and Love.

For once bro, we're in the same boat. We're both fighting for the future; both of us wants to relive that vision we see. Both of us are fighting to have the future of being with that certain someone whom has touched us at such an intrinsic level that could only be explained through God.

I have and will always believe and have faith in you bro. Don't stop fighting, don't give it up. I will always pray for you, and I hope, that I am in your prayers too
=)

Two nights ago was a night of unwanted raveling. Seriously my brother, you've indulged in me things that I've rather have no knowledge about, that I had rather been ignorant about. But you just have to tell me. You just have to reveal it to me. Its not bad enough that my mind is at a cluttered state and my heart is battered, you just have to make it worst.

But I don't know. It really got me thinking, I have to admit. Thank you for making it worse for me.

Oh and I hate Facebook. It has a tendency to tell us things that we'd rather not know or things that will just twist this blade around. Sheesh.

and as I put my iPod on shuffle, suddenly a song blared out...

"Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first?
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words?"

stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it

just get out of my head. please.
Please God, make it stop. please.

I AM BADLY IN NEED OF RADIANCE, LORD.

2009-08-30T12:19:00.002+08:00

For once, I don't know how to start this post with.

My mind is cluttered with thoughts, besieging this already eradicating barriers.

It already broke 5 times within the last few days

I don't even have the reprieve, the time to able to set up the defences back before everything breaks apart yet again.

I can't find a reason to look forward to the day. I can't find a reason to wake up in the morning.
At times I just feel like lying there one whole day, not wanting to move.

But it has to go on. Life has to go on. No matter how hard it is to let go. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how heavy this heart is, life has to go on. I will carry this burden with me.

Faan told me : "Setiap puasa ada cobaannya. He tests you to remind you of who you are, of this blessed month. Its never easy bro, but walk through it. And then you'll find that this Ramadhan is a Ramadhan greater than the previous one you've experienced."
syukran jazilan ya akhi(:

The only times which I feel at peace is when my head touches the ground in reverence to Him. There is when I am able to let go of my heart's content, to just purge out everything; for there is nothing secret between Him and us. He knows us best for He created us.

And in one of those times, I realised something. I realised something so profound that for the first time in the last few days, I smiled. I smiled sincerely. And after I was done with the solat, the smile was still there.

Lord, I thank you. I thank you for showing me why You set me on this Path. It wasn't as I thought before. You never fail to marvel me with Your Intricacies eh? You have just answered the most underlying question that was gnawing inside me, Lord. Now I know. Now I know the promise is still in play. Guide me Lord and Guide her too. Guide us as we go our separate paths, to focus our deep love for each other, instead towards You. And one day, I beseech You, Almighty One, Guide us back again when You Deem it time to do so.

For I believe that if two souls were to be separated in their path in His Cause, verily, He Himself will make sure that those two souls will one day be intertwined yet again. But this time round, stronger than before. For it is with His Blessings.

Till the day our hearts intertwined again, my love
=)

2009-08-28T18:25:00.000+08:00

INNALLAHA MA'ASSOBIRUUN

.remember.remember.remember.remember.

to be updated soon

standstill

2009-08-28T05:44:00.001+08:00

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go of us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts

The moment I hurt you, I hurt myself more.
I'm sorry. I truly am.

Please. Don't let go of us. Not ever. Please sayang...

2009-08-28T02:55:00.000+08:00

Dont let me go.

Please.

Return From Exile

2009-08-26T08:00:00.003+08:00

After a few weeks of exile, I'm finally back to blogging.

No, blogger hasn't been any trouble for me unlike for some other bloggers. Nothing a force refresh can't handle. Actually, while we're at it, this nifty little function, Force Refresh, fix just about any HTML errors we come across in a website. No, Force Refresh issn't some Jedi power (though it does sound like it).

Force Refresh is when you press CTRL and F5 at the same time to reload the page. What it does is unlike a normal refresh, where it reloads only the page, Force Refresh reloads the page's cookies too. What's cookies you may ask? Google is your best friend, I won't bother you with all these techspeak.

Reason for my apparent exile? Purely down to laziness and current mood of being uninspired to write. Yes, get that. Me. Uninspired to write. Not something you see everyday. But hey, it happens at times.

Ramadhan 1430H is here and alhamdulillah, all praises to Him for allowing us to experience this Ramadhan because for all we know, we might not be able to get to experience the next one.

What brings me joy most in Ramadhan is watching my little siblings fast especially my little brother, who is 8 years old (Primary 2). Yes, the kids in my family are taught to fast at a very young age. I remembered I fasted half-day when I was in nursery but from kindergarten onwards, I was already fasting full-time.

Its always good to instill these aspects into kids at a young age. In the essence of Tarbiyah, or upbringing (wooo~ Faan must be proud of me if he reads this), kids at a young age should be exposed to these Islamic aspects because it is from there that they are often moulded to become who they are in the future. That is the time to hardwire inside them these aspects.

But then again, some of you may ask, what of those people who are exposed to the Islamic doctrine, but yet they do not fast, they go clubbing, they drink and all that stuffs.

First that come to my mind is, you said that they are exposed to it, meaning that to a certain degree, they have received education on Islamic aspects, be it through weekend classes or or the like. Alhamdulillah, the message was sent to them but why did they not heed it?

Because it is their choice. It is as simple as that. Islam is not forceful. Its aspects cannot be forced into one. If the message is sent across, but the receiver chooses to turn the other cheek, it is his choice to do so. The job of the messenger is done.

But I digress.

It warms my heart to see my little brother running around the house as per normal, even though his fasting. Granted, he didn't went to school on Monday because he complained of stomachache but other than that, he's his usual self. Running around the house, making loads of noise, just being the bundle of power-packed energy that he is. I caught him drinking from his water bottle yesterday, though from his reaction I think he really didn't mean it. Oh well, kids will be kids eh?

I've been having headaches for the past few days and am having a minor pimple outbreak. Stressed perhaps? Yes. You heard that right again. Sufyan. Stressed. Well, thats a first time for everything.

I think I'm going to be sick. Temperature's fluctuating right now, either borderline or sick. Having abit of flu also and not to mention my recurring leg injuries. Seriously, this time round I'm really contemplating surgery. But 60% of recovery is still just not good enough for me. Nazif said wait till NS and if your injury is bad enough, they'll send you for surgery all expenses covered. Sounds nice, maybe I can get free Lasik surgery too?

Physically, I'm not doing too well but I'm never one to put too much on my physical being. Emotionally, I'm doing fine too but right now, I baaddddddlllyyy missing *someone. And I'm sure she's missing me too. Kie dah shh.

As for mentally, I'm holding great. There are of course cracks here and there within my mental barrier but I'm not too worried by it. It won't break again anytime soon, though if it were to break, I hope it's on the 27th of Ramadhan. Just nice. Or just about any odd numbered day within the last 10 days of Ramadhan. But still 27 sounds nice.

Well, better get back to studying my Maths now. Shouldn't be too distracted by Football Manager (my Everton team is through to Europa Final even without Arteta, Cahill and Yobo) or the XBOX 360.

Oh and by the way. *You are never a distraction for me. Never has been, never will be.
So please continue to shine *your Radiance on me((:

Someone wake me up
Her world doesnt revolve around me

bleargh

The Muse; Lovestruck

2009-08-15T15:51:00.003+08:00

I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone in those late dark nights
And I, saw the board walk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners of this town tonight

Late last night I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth

It's gonna kill me the rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's time to face
All of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I fell like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for second tries

This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support shutting down
For the final time
And it swings like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life

If you won't forgive me the rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's time to face
All of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes, its just not fair.

its just not fair to see things go this way.

True, everything has its reason for its being, but still, the feeling of unfairness is evident.

Its as if I've lost everything. Its as if I'm slowly losing everything since the start of the year.

People around me slowly fading away to nothingness. Those whom I held close had either left, or betrayed me.

But I had gone forth. It hurts, but I used that pain to propel me forwards. Do not endure the pain, embrace it, thats what I always tell myself. Use that pain to your advantage.

But sometimes, it will be too much to bear.

Sometimes, when it struck too close to home, its too hard to go on.

I had just lost someone dear to me. Someone whom have been the focal point of my strength for the past year or so. Someone whom I have always been there for her, and she have always been there for me. A sister. MY sister. I lost her.

And now, I am close to losing *you.

You, who meant so much to me, much more than anyone could ever hope to. You, the only one who stood by me when everything went to hell, and still standing beside me right now. You, who changed everything and made me look at the world from a different perspective. You, who crushed away the walls around me and prove to me how vulnerable I am inside. You, who caused this lovestruck poet to run out of words to say. You, who I share these feelings of limitless depth with.

and now, I'm close to losing you.

How is that fair?

But at times, situation spirals out of our control. It has come to the point that I can do almost nothing about it. What right do I have? What say do I have? I,who have lasted this long, and will last further on, have finally find myself at a standstill in which to continue, I had to rely on matters beyond my control. But I believe; I trust, things will get better.

As always, to deviate my mind, I often indulge myself in a bit of Scrubs. And Doctor Cox never fails to inspire me.

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever, gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do... believe in it.

Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

=)

I am willing to sacrifice anything for *you
but this is one sacrifice that I will never be able to do so willingly
I never want to let you go
Never.

And I hope, that you will never have to let me go
Never.

Remember

2009-08-05T13:13:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, the smallest thing can create the biggest impact.

Intricacies. How I love God's way of doing things. He never fails to amaze me with the degree of intricacy, of sheer brilliance in His Plans. Every so often, when something happens out of 'chance' or 'luck', when we look back, past events had actually set it in motion. Thats why I don't believe in luck. Only Fate. For I believe that everything in this world, from the most powerful man, to the smallest most insignificant dirt in this world has their path already written in the Book of Destiny (Al-Lawh Al-Mahfuudz).

But I digress.

Sometimes, doesn't mean it looks insignificant, it doesn't have potential to create significant repercussions in the future

Sometimes, when you have almost exhausted all means of making it happen, instead of going in harder, you should have instead take a moment to stop...

bow down

prostrate yourself in supplication to Him

and watch it unfold of its own accord.

Because many a times we push hard for the results that we want and when things don't go our way, we get angry at ourselves and hit ourselves for it. Then we work harder and harder still until apparently, bringing ourselves to the point of exhaustion and frustration for the results are still the same.

Because you see, to me, yes all of us have a rein in our lives, everything is pre-destined, but NOT fixed. All the same, if He deems it so to NOT happen, it won't happen, no matter how much you put in it. He has His reasons for not letting it happen and its for your own good.

Thats why to me, there's only up to a point that you give your all and after which, you should stop instead and leave it up to Him. You've given your best, now its time to let Him unfold it for you.

Understand this, I believe it is so as sometimes, when we got too engrossed in trying to achieve the desired results, we tend to push aside everything else and at times, even Him. When in the first place, who is it that gave you the ability to try hard to achieve the results? Who is it that gave you the perseverance? Who is it that gave you the patience? HE gave you all that.

Thats why you must at one point of time stop and remember His gifts to you. It is Him who gave you all the abilities that you have. What? You think you magically acquired it all just like that?

Like someone once said to me:

TAWAKKAL without EFFORT is STUPID

EFFORT without TAWAKKAL is ARROGANCE

without both, you are STUPID because you're ARROGANT to Him

with both, InsyaAllah you will attain what it is you have desired for

Remember,

"Remember me and I will remember you"
[Al-Baqarah 2 :152]

"Those who believe, and whose hearts find their rest in the remembrance of Allah--for, verily, in the remembrance of Allah hearts do find their rest."
[Surah Ar-Ra'd 13: 28]

and a subtle reminder...

"He who turns away from the remembrance of His Lord; He will cause him to undergo a severe Penalty"
[Surah Al-Jinn 72 :17]

Fi Amanillah dear readers...

To deviate matters for a moment..

O Lord, gracious have You to have sent this Gift to me on that fateful day
I will treasure and cherish her for as long as You deem it so, Lord
I am not the best of your slaves, many a times have I not bow down in supplication to You
Many a times have I cried in supplication but roared in laughter after that

I am never the best among the others, my Lord
Many of your tests in which I have failed
Many more in which I have turned away from

But yet, Your bounties are endless
Your love knows no boundaries
Your forgiveness are far beyond any ocean's expanse

Oh Lord, I have asked, and You have given
I've walked the tests that You have laid out before me
I do not know whether I had performed to Your satisfaction but I hope I did

Now, I stand before this threshold
I prostrate before You, Lord
Guide us through this. Show us your Light
Let us not stray from Your Path,Lord

You alone bear witness to that promise I've made
Help me fulfill the promise, Lord. Guide me through this path. Shine Your Light whenever I'm in darkness

I will give it to the best of my abilities that you have given me so as together,
she and I will attain Your felicity, Insya-Allah.

Ya Allah, redhakanlah perhubungan ini
limpahkan lah rahmat ke atas kami
pimpinlah kami ke jalan yang lurus
agar kami mencapai mardhatillah

220709/300730

May our love last

for

His Love
=)

2009-08-05T10:17:00.002+08:00

I've got some things to blog about, but apparently, my mind is in a blank at the moment. So, watch this space

Finish The Fight

2009-08-03T09:11:00.003+08:00

And so that's that.

I've filed in a formal request to SP's CIS department, asking them if I'm able to access the mainframe for a few minutes to identify the identity of the tagger. I doubt they would allow though, but I did request in the letter for them to identify for me if its possible. I'd rather not risk trying to access the mainframe forcefully again. 4 DDOS attacks running simultaneously while I try to dismantle the network was already a big drain to my system. I think that's why Lincoln was able to slice through my laptop defences so easily. OR he could just be that damned good.

In any case, I did not enclose what I would do to the tagger in my formal request to the CIS department. I'll leave that unsaid as my imagination is still running wild to what I want to do to his terminal should I identify it. Oh, and tagboard's back up.

On another note, I believe that I have, and will always work best in the shadows; away from the limelight. I had always prefer quiet subterfuge, infiltrating from the shadows rather than confronting outright. To work behind the scenes, where the main people get all the limelight they want, but me? I'm happy enough knowing that I played a part in this. A small part, but a part nonetheless.

Recall back during the days when I was a Propstar, and then the Props Master. I can easily say that was one of those treasured memories of my days in Singapore Polytechnic. It wasn't just the camaraderie forged between the PropStars team. The rush of making the props, the hecticness to get things going behind the scenes. And of course, our craziness backstage. Who could have known? We lived up to our name don't we? PropStars - When the Curtain Falls; We Come Out to Play.

But I digress. Once when I was still frequently playing football, I was given the nickname of Shadowstriker. Mainly because my preferred position is playing just behind the main striker.
One of my most awesome attribute is my blistering acceleration. Yes, get that, I said acceleration, not pace. I have an average pace but my acceleration is the best among the other players. I'm not much of a technical player, but I do make use of what I have to dribble effectively down the flanks at times.

Again, I digress. Why I prefer to play as a shadow striker was because usually, the defenders will focus solely on the main striker. They will mark him tightly. I will use this as a decoy for me to whiz pass the unsuspecting defenders and get me through on goal. I do need to brush up on my first touch though. heh

Shadowstriker. I just love that nickname. I strike from the shadows, where no one expects me to appear. I prefer to be in ignomity. Because there is where I thrive. I prefer to be an unknown, because there is where I can fully utilise my abilities.

I prefer to be the one which no one knows about; that no one has heard of. Because there is when I can work my magic.

He said : "So you did it. You really did it. Despite everything, you did it. People might laugh when they see you fighting lost causes, but they have no idea what you're capable of. You know what they say, good things come in threes. Nombor ganjil, bagos. I leave with this. "Finish The Fight".
Because its just began."

I said : "I did not do it myself. He let it happen. I did my part, He did everything else. Did I wrote that stupid tag on my own tagboard? No, someone else did, and that lead us to having that talk and where we stand today. Did I break apart my own walls that I built and shed those tears? No I did not. Her words did. And where did all these intricacies came from? It came from Him. No human have the capability to set things in motion of this magnitude. No human could have possess the insight to make this happen in such a level of intricateness.

And furthermore, I don't believe in lost causes. If its a cause thats worth fighting for, then I will continue the fight till the end, no matter how the end turns out to be. Yes bro, its not over yet. The battle is done, now I'm left to fight the rest of the war. And you goddamn right that this time round, I will finish it. I will make it through the end, together with her, if He Wills."

Believe. Finish The Fight

SPARTAN-022 "Sufyan" is now reassigned as SPARTAN-227.

Operation:Phoenix Tears has run its course and completed its duty.
Systems running at optimum efficiency.

Welcome back, Feenyx.

Intitiate - Operation: Radiance on 22.07.09

Time to Finish The Fight.

2009-07-31T10:35:00.002+08:00

I am angry.

I am too angry to say anything or do anything.

I swear, the next person to irk me would find himself the with a disfigured face.

I swear to God, I will personally hunt down and kill that goddamn tagger who said all those foul things. YOU DON'T KNOW HER, YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. DON'T TRY TO JUDGE EITHER OF THEM.

Just because you're in the internet, doesn't mean you're fully anonymous. Since you're brave enough to tag, why don't you just put yourself forward?

Tell you what, the Internet issn't a secure place for someone to remain anonymous. Unless you apologise and come forth, I will hunt you down. I will trace your address. I will make you wish you have never ever stepped in here before. That is a promise I will make sincerely. I will be your living nightmare. I will be that virus you see everytime you log in. I will be that dormant spybot waiting to strike within your system.

I promise you that and more.

I give you one day to show yourself.

For now, the tagboard's going down

The Black Swan

2009-07-29T22:38:00.000+08:00

It is about a girl that is confused and trying to walk away from something great but still holding on because she doesn't know what she truly feels. They both know there are some unexplainables in the relationship, but are too comfortable to face the facts, and they just keep things the way they are: "Some things we don't talk about, Rather do without and just hold the smile."

It seems like the guy wants things to keep progressing, but that can't happen because the girl doesn't know what she wants. He is ready to give her the world and devote himself completely to her and make her the queen of his everything. Maybe he knows that he can be everything she needs, so he tells her not to let him go.

They "pull apart and come together again and again" because they are on and off, hot and cold. She will pull away, then come back because he is there to be her "guardian when all is crumbling" and to "steady her hand." In short, he is always there, despite the fact that the girl often puts in barriers between them, suddenly imposing spaces between them, citing that she needs her space, when she hadn't really know what she had wanted in the first place. But whenever she turns around, the guy is always there behind her, trying his best to show the girl that its okay, that they'll make it together.

- Ben Wysocki (The Fray's drummer on Never Say Never's meaning).

"How do you know that you are ready? How do you know that you are sure about this?"

"Ready? Sure? No. I'm not at all ready or sure about this. Only fools delude themselves into thinking that they are so sure of things, that they are ready to face things. Am I certain? Am I sure that this time round it will be different from the other times? No. I will sincerely say no. I don't know at all if it will be different or not. But guess what? I will fight. I will give my best in this. For the first time in my life, I am actually scared of losing someone.

When nenek died, I was the only one who didn't cry. When all those shit happened in the past two relationships, I was the one who held on strong. The previous one, I was ready to give my all, but situation didn't warrant it. This time round, I'm not holding back. This time round, I want to make it work. I NEED to make it work. Do you know that for the first time in my life, when I looked into the mirror, I actually saw fear in it? Fear of the unknown of the future. Fear of taking the wrong steps. Most of all, fear of losing her. See bro, I ACTUALLY AM SCARED OF LOSING SOMEONE. Why? Why does she have this goddamn effect on me? I don't know. I really don't. Does she mean so much to me that its leading to this? Perhaps, I can't say. What I can tell you is yes. She means THAT MUCH to me.

I have been fighting for this relationship to work since the start. Even when others were throwing shit at me, I took it all and keep my head up. I won't let it bring me down even though I'm in this alone. Do I have people supporting me back then? No. I walked the path alone. I fought the battle alone. I have been fighting since day one and I will continue this fight. If she hadn't meant this much to me, what makes you think I would have continue fighting even till now? What does he know? Does he have to go through all this shit that I went through? Does he have to steel himself for the onslaught and at the same time make sure of the responsibility he holds in the organisation? No, he doesn't have to put up with all that. I don't seek to presume what he has to go through but I can't help wondering if its as bad as I do.

Sometimes, I do wish that it was an easier road. Sometimes, I do wish that I could wake up not having all these thoughts in my head besieging me. But I believe that He has His Reasons for making this road hard. I won't try and perceive with my limited vision to see what is up ahead. If I were to fail in this endeavour, I will fall hard. But with His Grace, I will one day rise back up and take it as a testament and atonement of whatever I had done last time. If I were to succeed, I will take it as merely an acknowledgement from Him that I were to be tested even more. Either way, it will be a testament of my Faith to Him. Whether or not I rise up; whether or not I fulfill my promise in making it to the end this time round.

So to answer your question, no, I am not at all ready or sure. Because I am still putting in my best efforts to make it through. I am still leaving it up to Him for the final decision. Only those who are sure and ready will do nothing about it and hide behind the pretense of patience as if they had done everything possible. And I promise you this, I am and I will continue to do everything to the best of my ability to get through this."

- This conversation happened two nights ago. No words were editted.

Return of the Prodigal Son

2009-07-28T09:27:00.000+08:00

Just when you thought that you had lost them all...

Just when you thought that you are finally alone in this...

They came back.

Granted, they came back not at the moment of your desperate need, but still they came back.

At the time when all you need is a listening ear; they came.

Thank you. Thank you.

We've been through alot together. We've seen the organisation at its peak. We've seen it at its lowest. Some of us even had played a pivotal part in the turn of events. When I look back, I remember my disappointment when you turned your back on the organisation. When you walked away, its as if a part of me has left. Somehow, I think Faan feels the same way too.

But I understand. I understand the need for you to walk away. The talkings have became endless, more unfounded and accusing every passing day. You can choose to react in the same manner, but you had not wanted to fight fire with fire. I understand and admire your decision to walk away. One by one walked away. I watched in helplessness as this organisation becomes a shadow of how it was. I was sorely tempted to join you but I couldn't. I blame myself partly for what had transpired, for I believed that I could have done better in my capacity. I chose to stay because of my allegiance to the organisation. But I never once turned my back on you. And you never once turned your back on me.

iKem came and not only one but all of you answered my rallying call. I was touched beyond words. You went beyond the call of duty. Despite often being used as surplus manpower, you sticked by your assigned duties, grumbling at times yet still going forth. Again, I was touched. That was when I learnt what loyalty means. What brotherhood means. And that was why after the camp, I broke down. For its with you that my heart truly lies.

But yet, after that I was given one of the biggest responsibilities in the organisation. Again, because of my allegiance to the organisation, I chose to stay. My heart yearns for the day that you will return back to the fold but it yearns for naught. And soon, we drifted, only occassionally coming across each other's paths. And before long, you were nothing but a speck of black in the distance.

But yesterday...

It was a night of reconciliations. A night where the prodigal sons came together and talk, reflect and realise that however alone that we think we are, we always have each other. Thank you for hearing me out. For giving the reprieve I needed for so long. Thank you.For once, I see things clearly again. =)

"In your hand you now hold the most radiant, delicate blossoming flower. Hold it too tightly and it'll crumble. Hold it too loosely and it'll fly away. I don't envy your position, where every step you take might have the potential to have drastic effects on the future, be it good or bad. Its a big risk you're taking here. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Have you had someone whom means so much to you that for the first time in your life, you're actually scared of taking the step because you are too afraid that you might lose her? Yes brother, I AM SCARED, you heard that right. I might take the wrong step, I might make the right one, but who's to say? The future is not for us to see. Its for us to live it. Risks. Everything we do in life involves risks. This is no different. The stakes are much higher, I have alot to lose. But I have alot more to gain. If I were to fall, I would fall knowing that I tried my best, that I gave my all, rather than having to stand there thinking of the 'what ifs' and 'could haves' because I was too scared to take the risk. Is it worth taking the risk? I'd say yes. With all my heart."

2009-07-26T22:05:00.001+08:00

In every breathe that I take

In every step of the way

In every moment in time

I never failed to be astounded by Your sheer Genius.

One thing I love most about Your Work God, is that the smallest things will often play the biggest repercussions in the future.

I mean, just take a look of what happened yesterday. Who would have the brilliance of minds, the sheer mastermind to have orchestrated something like this at a very intrinsic level such that until now, I am still smiling at the sheer brilliance of it all.

Only You could have manipulated events to that extent. And when I thought about it, I realised that it wasn't just played out yesterday. In fact, other events in the past few days that have transpired have already somewhat built up the foundations to yesterday's turn of events.

Like say, the ice-cream-turned-lunch a few days back. If we had eaten ice cream back then, I highly doubt we would do so yesterday. Or me choosing not to follow you to West Coast Park because if I did, I would be full from eating and would probably not be hungry for next morning's breakfast.

As Fate decides it, I went home straight, forgo my dinner and woke up hungry like hell the next day. But I rushed out of the house without eating any breakfast and as a result we ,of all places, went off at City Hall to eat.

There are other instances of intricacies that occurred during the course of the turn of events yesterday that leaves me more and more amazed at the extent of His Manipulation of events. I mean if it happens to you, only then you'll realise how Powerful, how decidedly Brilliant He is((:

So please don't mind me if I'm in a state of childlike zeal these days. I'm still enamoured by His Brilliance(:

This week, I'm reminded of two very important things:

1. Patience is a virtue. BUT ONLY TO THOSE WHO PUTS IN THE EFFORT TO ACHIEVE. My mentor told me, if you want something to happen, go out there and make it happen. Make the oppurtunity yourself, find it. Don't just wait and hide behind the pretense of patience. There's a time to wait. There's a time to act. Once you've acted, once you expended all efforts in achieving that goal, only then its a virtue for patience to materialise.

Fate will often give you cards not to your liking. At times, it will give you just plain cards. If you say you can't win with a hand like that, then you already lost the battle. The measure of a man is measured by how he plays his cards, not what cards he has. He could have a winning hand for all I care, but if he doesn't play it well, he might have as well just take up the losing hand.

Point is, there's a time to be proactive. There's a time to be reactive. No, I didn't derive that from some inspirational book. Its from my own experiences. Moderation is the key.

2. The smallest actions will create the biggest repercussions(:

and living life in radiant technicolor beneath the lighted sky is truly something((:

Unbroken Wings

2009-07-23T15:01:00.004+08:00

I am lethargic. I am tired. I am sleepy. I am exhausted.

CSW project is down.

Java project is ongoing and is really sapping the will out of me.

Project Ramadhan is offically unveiled and will start proper planning soon.
Meaning that gantcharts, jobscopes, admin matters, FnB, programme, logistics, publications...going to be in full swing. Will try to cover as much ground as possible before we have to break for Examinations Period.

In addition, I have to pay more attention to Taman Ilmu right now, instead of making it a second priority. Alhamdulillah, I have capable people with me in this, especially those two special ones whom I have already named as my successors; though I doubt they realised it.

And I've yet to start revising for Maths and Java.
I foresee its going to be a stressful time ahead.
Hey, its not always that I get stressed.

Oh well, if He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.

I don't need your pity or sad faces.
What I need is your prayers and understanding.

and I need Radiance to shine me through my days(:

2009-07-17T23:53:00.002+08:00

My cousin once told me,

"You can't save everyone. Stop being noble or you'll end being the one who got hit the worst."

Its true. Nobility kills. You just don't learn do you?

One year ago, the same thing happened. Your nobility...or stupidity caused you dearly that time.

Learn. Learn that at times, you have to be merciless to be merciful.

Learn that you have to fight back when your back is against the corner.

Because at times, if its war that they want, then its war that they will get.

Incite the firestorm within.

Stir the maelstrom.

Do what must be done.

Do not hesitate.

Show no mercy.

Subtleties

2009-07-16T17:17:00.004+08:00

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

In one smooth move, everything as I know it has changed drastically.

I have lost the ability to fully utilise my left hand.

I have lost the ability to actually walk properly.

I have lost the ability to feel.

It is when you find yourself lying at the middle of the field, screaming in excruciating pain because both of your legs decided to give way and you cannot push yourself up because one of your hands is fractured, you realise that this pain is what makes you know that you're still alive.

It is when you dragged your sorry state up the staircase, pushing away the pain as you went, eventually crawling and crumbling to the door, and as you lay there alone, you realise how it is to really be alone.

But just when you thought you're gone...

Hands lifted you up of the ground, as a cacophony of voices keeps assuring you that its going to be okay, hands stretching your muscles for you, giving them a much needed reprieve from being overstrained.

The door opens, awashing you with light as figures emerge from the opened door, asking if you're alright. They may not have helped physically, but their mere presences are just as uplifting.

It is when you're down, battered and broken in so many places, that you realise the things that you often take for granted.

But most importantly, you realise that there are always others around you. You are never truly alone.

Despite these pain, I did not solat using a chair, mainly because I don't find it comfortable and also I like the feel of closure between me and Him during sujud. It is during sujud that we are most closest to Allah S.W.T.

And yesterday as I sujud during Isya' despite the pain and the hollow feeling, comprehension dawned upon me and I was moved to tears. I teared like I've never teared before, to the point that my doa is not entirely comprehensible, even to myself. Whats that moment of epiphany about? Lets just say, right now, that hollow feeling is gone(:

And it doesn't matter that I fractured my left hand, or I overstrained both my legs. They might provide me with a little discomfort during solat, but never to the point of losing my focus.

I believe that Allah has tested me greatly in this week for atonement to all those things I have done in the past. Perhaps that is why He took away some of His Gifts that He has bestowed upon me. Perhaps He wants me to prove it to Him why it is justified for me to have those Gifts. Wallahua'lam bissowab, He knows best. But whatever it is, InsyaAllah, I will be ready should He Decree that these tests were to go on further. But dear God, not my right hand this time round kie? Its hard enough typing with one hand tau.hee.

Whatever it is,

Ya Allah, know that with each and every breathe I take, I am thankful towards you for having me go through these obstacles you have imposed upon me. Your tests only make me a stronger person and should I have failed in any of your tests, I rest easy knowing that You will Guide me through it again to get through it.

Ya Allah, grant me the patience, the will, the strength and most importantly the faith in You to overcome all these obstacles you have place before me. Grant me the acceptance required to accept Qadar as it was written in Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuud for when things don't go my way, it only means that You have other plans for me.

Ya Allah, grant me forgiveness as I stand in atonement for everything I had done in the past. As I lay my forehead upon this ground in reverence to You, I am aware that should You Decree that these Gifts You have bestowed upon me taken away, I am no more better than the dirt upon which I am prostrating on.

I have sinned and at times, I have done things that I am not proud of. I have failed You utterly. But never once You turned Your back on me. You were always there, always waiting for me to come back. Your Patience is limitless; Your Bounties vast. With every walk I take towards You, You ran to me. With every step I take towards you, two steps You take towards me. Your Love is unrivalled, and Your Love is what I seek.

Ya Allah, keep close to my heart. Allow me not to turn away from You when You have showed me Guidance and Light. Bestow upon me patience and humility so I can better serve You in my capacity, insyaAllah.

and before I end,
Just wanted to share something strange yet wonderous that happened to me at the doctor's just now:

Doctor : *looking at xray of my hand* Sufyan, how big was the person who stepped on your hand?
Me : Can't say, taller than me definitely. Maybe a head taller or so.
Doctor : Hmmms *look at xray again*

**This is the best part**

Doctor : Sufyan, do you believe in God?
Me : *mouth wide open because I really wasn't expecting that* Erm..yes I do.
Doctor : So, do you love God?
Me: Yes. With all my heart.
Doctor : Good. Because God obviously loves you too. Because thats the only explanation I can think about when 70-80kg of weight and wearing boots fell on top of your hand and you got away with just a minor hairline fracture that by your healing rate will heal in at most one week's time.

Initiate Operation: Phoenix Tears @ 0105HRS

Fi amanillah, barakallahu feekum
Salam alaik
=)

Bittersweet Epiphany

2009-07-14T07:50:00.003+08:00

" 'Cause its a bittersweet symphony, this life "
Bittersweet Symphony
The Verve

One of the most epic and popular song in the world today. I wonder who have never heard of the riffs of violin playing.

But what caught my attention most of this song is that very line I had stated above.

Life has its ups and downs. One time you're on top of the world, the next you find yourself in a deep hole. How did you get there? Maybe perhaps someone pushed you down, or you fell inside but it doesn't really matter HOW you fall. What matters most is HOW you get back up.

Thats very much like a symphony issn't it. One time the rhythm will be on a crescendo and will then slowly descent or will just breakdown into the harmonics, or vice versa. Same as life itself, it has its ups and downs too.

And the best part is, we are the conductors. Whenever the harmony gets low, we hold the power to choose on whether we want it to rise again, or leave it as it is. Whenever the harmony is at its high, we can choose to either send it to its peak, or play it down.

Whatever it is, we have to remember that one day, the symphony will end. But it is up to us to decide how the melody,harmony and rhythm will interwine in the course of the symphony.

This symphony of mine is currently spiralling out of control. Somehow, I've managed to misplace my conductor's baton (no surprises there). Now I'm standing here at the middle, watching as the harmonics, melody and rhythm collide with each other in a cacophony of noises no one could make sense of.

Too many commitments; responsibilities.

I really had not foreseen this coming. After three years in poly, I'd thought I'd be done with this. But no. Perhaps this is why He has Decreed that I were to stay in poly for another year. So that I will learn something from this mess I got myself into. Wallahuakhlam, He knows best.

I'm tired, I'm lethargic. My backbone and my hamstring, both recurring injuries, are starting to hurt again. My workload is piling up by the day..Iftar09, Advisory matters, Welfare matters. And this migraine doesn't help at all. To top it all, there is something missing in my chest. I have yet to find out what it is. Perhaps it has something to do with my missing conductor baton too.

But whatever it is, InsyaAllah I'll make it through this. I believe that if Allah brings you to it, then He will bring you through it. There are no challenges that is imposed upon us that we can't overcome.

InsyaAllah, reprieve will come soon before long(:

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief"
[Al-Inshirah 94:5]

No, I won't let you control my fate,
While I'm holding the weight of the world on my conscience,

No, I won't just sit here and wait while you weighing your options,
You're making a fool of me,

No, you didn't dare try to say that you don't care and solemnly swear,
Not to follow me there,

No, I'm not upset,
No, I'm not angry,

I know love is love,
But love, sometimes it pains me,
With or without you,
I'll always be with you,
You'll never forget me,
I'm keeping you with me,

No, I won't let you take me to the end of my rope, while you burn,
And torture my soul,

No, I'm not your puppet,
And no,

no

no

I won't let you go

Epicity

2009-07-13T11:43:00.003+08:00

Life In Technicolor II
Coldplay

There's a wild wind blowing
Down the corner of my street
Every night they're headlights glowing
There's a cold world coming
On the radio I heard
Baby it's a violent world

Oh love don't let me go
Won't you take me where the street lights glow
I can hear it coming
I can hear the siren sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground

Time came a creeping
Oh and time's a loaded gun
Every road is a ray of light
It goes on
Time only can lead you on
Still it's such a beautiful night

Oh love don't let me go
Won't you take me where the street lights glow
I can hear it coming
Like a serenade of sound
Now my feet won't touch the ground

Oh Oh Oh

Gravity released me
And don't ever hold me down
Now my feet won't touch the ground

There's nothing like a fresh dose of epicness to get the day starting despite the disappointments coming your way(:

Take your day one step at a time, there's no need to rush. The bridge up ahead, we'll cross it when we reach, lets not think about it for now and just focus on whats directly in front of us now.
Perhaps when we near it, then we'll talk about it. If we don't get there at all, remember the memories of the path we took, of each foothold we step on, on every piece of leaf that had fallen onto the path. If God Wills, we will make it through. But firstly, the heart, the mind, the soul must put in every effort to achieve it.

Before I end off, Mr Ong said something in class that made me sit up in attention despite being engrossed in MSN chatting with Pinah while listening to the Transformers scoresheet and Facebook-ing.

He was talking about sincerity and was elaborating on it. I did not hear what he fully said but what I caught on was when he said :

"Its (I think he's referring to sincerity) when you achieve to attain something and you keep on at it, despite whatever disappointments and shortcomings your way. If you're sincere in your pursue, you keep at it, you fight on. Everything that came your way will not bring you down. Yes, they will disappoint you, but they will never be able to succeed.

Those who sit idly by and just watch as things unfold without trying much to do anything about it, these are the ones in which their sincerity should be questioned. They hide behind a guise of patience, when actually their hearts and minds are not fully committed to the cause. As such, they lied to themselves, saying that they are patiently waiting for an opening.

If you believe that, then let me ask you this. IF you are an employer or an even someone choosing another to be their betrothed, which would you take in preference:

The one who sits patiently and waits for his oppurtunity, or the one whom creates the oppurtunity himself and capitalises on every chance he gets to attain that something?
Because in my opinion, resiliency lies in taking what you can and continuing..and not just sitting idly by and waiting."

That was actually one of the few times that I actually paid attention to what he said. He's a good lecturer and all but sometimes, he likes to digress to much. When I thought about what he had said, I remember one ayat from the Quran that says :

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?"
[Al-Ankaboot 29:2]

sdfThe way I see it, its as if those people are just sitting there idly, and waiting for their oppurtunity, all the while praying for it to come by, but at the same time, not putting much effort in achieving what he wants.

Tawakkal is a LAST option. We should put in every effort that we can to achieve something BEFORE we leave it up to His decision.

Never say that you're being patient and always pray to Him to decree things to go your way before you take action. Because simply put, He wants to see you put in some effort first before allowing things to go your way.\

Never say that everyday, you pray to Him to guide your way and to lessen this burden of waiting and patience for you. Because you have yet to be tested yet. If you think all that waiting is a test for you, what about the other people who are trying to achieve the same thing as you are but instead of just waiting, they're actually doing something about it to achieve what they want despite failing and the disappointments that they will encounter.

But even when things are going your way, always remember that as easily as Allah gives you this easy road, He can just take away from you just like that. Always remember that you are nothing without His Grace and lets not be arrogant in whatever gifts He has bestowed upon you.

On a side note, my apologies to anyone who read this article and is fuming mad about it because of certain things I wrote. My intention is not to anger, or instigate any bad feelings, but to remind and at the same time, I believe that some people needs to wake up. Furthermore, I'm quite sick and tired of encountering people who just sit and watch while others are toiling in the cause. Again, my apologies. Whatever that is good is derived from Him, everything else comes from my own frailities.

Salam alaik, barakallahu feekum

2009-07-11T09:32:00.003+08:00

Poetry is sculpted by the words the poet used; defined by the emotions poured behind those words; and given depth by the sincerity behind those emotions

This is what my mind had came up with during its deep thinking mode yesterday night. Yes, I do so often let my mind wander around across many different things at once simple because I'm a thinker.Thats what I do. Thats why every so often, I'd like to just walk around campus or sit down at a certain spot with my green notebook and let my mind wander around.

But what I like more than thinking on certain issues myself is making people think.

I love to make people think, to make thought-provoking writings in which the meaning behind it is never evident. You will need to think on it, look at the words that I used in order to correctly derive what I had meant from that piece of writing

But then, it occurred to me. The best poems, the best pieces or writings are written not only of a product of the intellect of the mind, but also the emotions conveyed thru it. Only when these two aspects are interwined correctly, will the poem be near perfection.

But still, its not enough for me. The words.. The play of emotions.. Any ordinary poet will be contented with that. But what sets the best poets apart from the others are not the words that they used, nor is it the structure of their writing. It is their sincerity in writing in.

Some write for the sake of writing. Some write for power, for money. Different people have different motives or writing. But for me, it is those who write for the joy in it, for achieving nothing more than a pleasant reaction from the intended recipient. That is what sets the best apart from the others.

I was apparently quite shocked when I completed that piece of writing. In the current state that I was in at that point of time, it really was a big achievement to have finished both of it. 12 stanzas long, probably one of the longest poems I ever wrote.

The ending might seem abrupt, but thats the point of it. Its NOT the ending. Because from then onwards, the writing needs to be written from a different perspective; the perspective of the other character. Only then it could be completed.

As for the earlier poem, it is only when I had finished writing it that I realised that it was meant to be recited out loud, rather than read. Perhaps it has something to do with the usage of the ambraic parameter, but I'm not too sure about that. What I can be sure of is that I never meant to make it that way (simply because initially I didn't want to have recited that piece of poetry). And weirdly enough the only time that I stopped to think was when I had to choose between two words, other than that, it is as if my hand has a mind of its own.

All in all, I would say that those two could be put up as one of my better writings, if only I could find the original copy of the 12-stanza one. sheesh.

My intention was never to be the one to hold a significant impact as a whole. I may have said that I would want to make it a memorable day, but I had never thought that I would be the one to have live up to that words. All I wanted was to be the person who came in, make a small impact, and leave quietly. But apparently, its the smallest pebble who creates the lasting ripple in the pond doesn't it? You see, I do need to be reminded of the things I taught you.heh

Oh and by the way, to a brother. Its a war only if you make it into one. Don't be too happy when you just won the battle, because the war is a marathon, not a sprint.

With that, I leave with this:

Segala puji bagi Allah, yang awal tanpa yang awal sebelum-Nya, yang akhir tanpa yang akhir sesudah-Nya. Mahasuci AsmaNya, Mahatampak AnugerahNya.

Ya Allah. Sampaikan shalawat kepada Muhammad dan keluarganya. Shalawat yang awalnya tidak terbatas, yang batasnya tidak berujung, dan akhirnya tidak berhingga.

Ya Allah. Anugerahkan kepada sahabatku Zahira Binte Razak kelangsungan hidupnya, panjangkan usianya, sihatkan badannya, akhlaknya, agamanya, sejahterakan jiwa dan raganya, alirkan rezekiMu kepadanya dan anugerahkan kepadanya kecerdasan akal dan kebeningan hati.

Bantulah ibu bapanya serta sahabat-sahabatnya mendidiknya, berbuat baik kepadanya dari sisiMu. Jadikan Zahira, orang yang baik dan takwa, yang punya pandangan dan pendengaran yang taat kepadaMu, yang mencintai dan setia kepada kekasihMu, Muhammad.

Berikan semua itu dengan petunjuk dan rahmatMu, berikan kepada kami apa yang terbaik di dunia dan akhirat. Amin Ya Rabbal 'Alamin.

Happy 17th Birthday, Zahira Razak.

Birthday wishes can extend only so far thru your memories. But His Blessings run thru your life every day, in every breathe you take. Such is His Grace.

Salam Alaik, Fi Amanillah Barakallahu Feekum.

Muse Lament

2009-07-03T11:32:00.002+08:00

How am I supposed to feel when I came across those pictures?

How am I supposed to feel to see them doing those kinds of things?
Its not enough for them to go against everything that we had believed in, they have to post it up online so that others can see it also.

Are they proud of what they did?

I don't know, I really don't.

To think that we spent almost everyday of our secondary school lives together.

To think that during that point of time, I was the one who was pinpointed as the troublemaker.

To think that at that point of time, I lived up to that title by getting us into trouble alot of times.

What happened along the way? Just what?

Because no matter how far I go, I will always look back and cry in guilt.

Because even if I manage to fulfill my sworn duty; to leave a legacy in this organisation, by setting the foundation in which future Da'ies might arise, I would still have failed.

I would still have failed miserably.

When I look back, I truly see His Greatness in planning it all. Crooks and small twists in the path of destiny that I had walked, turned out to be pivotal moments in which many things today might no happened had I walked the other way. Truly, it is the Beauty of His Plans.

Sometimes, I feel as if Allah had sent a personal malaikat for me, in which he shelters me with his wings from almost everything the evils of this world could throw at me.

When my peers are addicted to smoking, I alone pushed it away. I had never smoked, never tried even, and insyaAllah not going to. But at that time, perhaps I'm the worst among them.
Simply because I never once tried to persuade any of them out of smoking.

When we went our separate ways, I still believe that it was a blessing in disguise for me to bump into SPMLS' CCA booth during my enrolment, even though I was looking badly for the toilet.
See, this is one of those intricate pathways which I had chosen to walk where things right now could have been different if I turned away from it.

Why different? Because ever since then, whenever they called me to go out, it often somehow collides with an SPMLS event. It got to the point that they don'e even bother to ask me out anymore.

At first, I was hurt. Who wouldn't? But pretty soon, I got caught up with SPMLS matters and events and submerge mysef fully into it and to a certain point, neglected the old ones. Till this day, I cannot forgive myself for having putting them aside. But its a different thing altogether in being inside SPMLS where almost everyone around you share the same insight, same spirit. In other words, a family.

But now when I saw those pictures, I was shocked, suprised..and most of all, I was overcame with disappointment. I wonder how Cikgu Jalilah or Cikgu Hariani would react if they were to see those pictures. And Mr. Nur even. Haishh...Mr. Nur. The best teacher in the world, in my opinion. He's the typical garang teacher with a very soft inside. But best of all, he never gave up on any of us. Not even once. I wonder how his heart would shatter should he see those pictures.

I don't know, but something inside me just broke when I came across those pictures.

Something in me just shattered.

Because right now, it doesn't matter if I succeed in making Ahlul 'Ilm Intifadha into a subcomm.

It doesn't matter if I managed to instill into SPMLS the zenith of our responsiblity as a leader is to be a good Da'ie

It doesn't even matter if I managed to leave a legacy behind when I finally step out of SP.

Because the truth will always return to me; the past.

That I have failed.

And I have failed miserably.

” Ya Allah sesungguhnya Engkau adalah Rabb-ku, Tiada Ilah kecuali Engkau, Engkau telah menciptakanku, sedang aku adalah hamba-Mu, aku akan berusaha memenuhi janji-janjiku kepada-Mu sekuat tenagaku, aku berlindung kepada-Mu dari apa perbuatan jelekku, aku mengakui akan nikmat-Mu yang Engkau berikan kepadaku dan aku mengakui juga atas dosa yang pernah aku perbuat, maka ampunilah diriku, sesungguhnya tiada yang mampu mengampuni dosa kecuali Engkau ya Allah. ”

2009-06-29T20:21:00.002+08:00

Khalifah

Vicegerent
–noun

1.	an officer appointed as deputy by and to a sovereign or supreme chief.

2.	a deputy in general.

A person appointed by a ruler or head of state to act as an administrative deputy.

But in this context, more than just any ruler; any head of state. But by the Supreme Being Himself, God Almighty, Allah S.W.T.

Vicegerent to more than just a nation, a state. But to Creation itself. To every single thing that is walking on this Earth. From the single microscopic amoeba to the biggest mountain. From the smallest infant to the oldest man. From the shortest tuft of grass to the tallest treetops of the highest tree.

To not only what is seen by the naked eye. We, humans, have been given an unprecedented standing upon Creation since the beginning of it. We humans, have been chosen ahead of Angels and Demons and Djinns to be the vicegerent of this earth. To be God's Chosen representative upon this once-hallowed ground.

This is a responsibility that we all share. Each and every one of us who have walked upon this Earth. From Prophet Adam to the last person who will fall on the Day of Judgement. All of us, ultimately, share the same God-given responsibility of being His Chosen Representative.

But what have we done with this responsibility bestowed upon us?

All that I've seen lately are hostility emanating everywhere. Towards our fellow humans; towards the world. Wars erupting just because of a minor conflict, words uttered not out of goodness but to spite.

Emotions overrule rational thought. Reason placed aside in favor of whimsical theories. When once is sent forth bringing the truth, more often than not he is banished by his own people. When the truth is right in front of you, you turn away and plead ignorance; simply because you prefer to live in your whimsical world rather than face the reality of it.

To each and everyone of you who in their Friendster profiles proudly put "Muslim" in their affiliations tag, to those of you who in your Facebook whose 'Religious Views' displays as "Muslim". Let me ask you this.

Is it the act of a Muslim to display pictures in your accounts which contradicts to what a Muslim should or should not do? Sisters wearing hijab yet there are pictures of them unveiled in their accounts. I understand its something of the past, and people take time to adjust to their new surroundings. I can accept that. But remember now that you are in a different environment, so please dear sisters, remember that aurat is still aurat. In any case, you don't stand to lose anything by taking off those photos don't you?(:

And for those of you who are attached, I know its sweet and all to take as many pictures of you both together when you go out, but is there a need to let the whole world know? Is there a need to post pictures up of you both together in cute poses or even (astarghfirullah) in some other very wrong poses very unbecoming of us, let alone a Muslim. You want to do that even after countless of advices, go ahead, because in the end its between you and Him, not us. But why drag us along by putting it up?

You might say that we have a choice to look or not and that is you personal space, so you can do whatever you like. Get this into your head.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERSONAL SPACE IN THE INTERNET. NOT UNLESS YOU COUNTER-GUARD YOU SPACE WITH PASSWORDS AND SUCH.

The internet is as public as it gets. You put your dirty laundry up online, chances are the whole world is going to know. It just takes a luck search on Google or Yahoo, and tadaaaa~ its there for the world to see. Who's to say someone from Zimbabwe might be reading this post right now. In that case, GREETINGS TO ZIMBABWE!!! or however you say it in Zimbabwean.

But I digress.

I'm not an ustaz or someone learned in Islamic studies. In fact, I am far from it. I have no formal madrasah education and my weekly madrasah education only comes up to Secondary 4. Unlike some of my peers, I do not hold a DPI/SPI nor am I on a course currently undertaking it. InsyaAllah I will after NS.

I am someone who understands my role as a Khalifah Fil Ard. I am not the best among all of you, but I am trying my best. More often than not I have failed miserably, I have fallen to the extent that I almost lost all hope. I was broken to the point that I dont want to bring myself up.

I have fallen too many times to count. Many times I found myself turning away from Him subconciously, as I got too engrossed with this world's affairs. But at the end of the day, I pulled myself together and returned back to Him.

To those who think that they are beyond redemption, think again. There is no such thing as that. The door of redemption will stay opened till the day you draw your last breathe. All it takes is a sincere heart, strength of will and strength of character
=)

The Muse Who Guarded The Light

2009-06-28T17:25:00.003+08:00

In my silence, my quiet solitude, I have perhaps written one of my best writings to date.

Its true when they say that writers often comes out with the best muses when they're in a state of inner turmoil(:

I present

The Man Who Guarded The Light

I was born and raised by the sea; shy yet proud,
Learnt to stay away from the crowd
In my home, my lighthouse
101 steps, round and down
October night, one night in the town
Can change one's life into eternity

All I could see her eyes,
We got caught in the moment all of the night
Taken beyond all lines,
In silence leaving them all behind

She had found the sails that following night
The town was getting way too small
She promised to be mine
Forever; for that one night

Moments, passion, small defeats
Concealed emotions, found in me
You gave life to a brand new me

Crossing the wintry fields,
The first hour of morning light
Warmed by the flame inside,
The lasting memory of that endless night

I never had a chance to stop what hit me
What broke my bones and mauled me
After hours of deep, unwilling sleep
In a cold shelter as I fell back into the dark..

A nightmare awakes me, blinking light
There's no guide, blind ships in the night
Oh blood red moon, eat away the night
Darkness covers my lonely soul,
No one to feed the dying light

Good morn', oh dreadful day,
I prayed the moon had lit the sea instead of me
For the sails of night,
Please tell me everything is alright

My voice in the room broke the silence,
Everybody killed me with their eyes
What I was to hear made the people cry,
Impossible for me to keep the tears inside

"All on board the White Pearl have died,
Coastal reef have tolled their lives
And you are the light of the night.."

One thing, I remember, before I fell on the ground
Although I never his face,
A name was inked in his arm
The family name stated I had seen before
Written on her front door

Love can be like poetry of demons
or maybe God loves complex irony?

"Silence in the courthouse!"
A presence in the room, we both could feel
The brethren of that woman and me

All on board the White Pearl have died,
Coastal reef have tolled their lives
While I was the guide light...
Back in my tower, run, run, run
Light is out, I hope to see
Black oceans beneath rise and swallow me

One step will take me back inside, another sees my end
No one can love a man who guarded the light,
Flaming eyes I must confront before I am stated free

Defining innocence is hell, after all that has past
Building new walls inside,
my eternal night

Although they took my heart and dried me up
Sometimes I still bleed

Show me the way
The light will show me a way on the grisly reefs
Too many dead ends I see

No soul can save me
The respect I lost, the measure of a man

10 000 steps down, round and round
One night at the town and I'm hell bound
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me

All on the board White Pearl had died,
Coastal reef come claim my life
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me

My little tower, seal my fate
Help me pay back, end their hate
Black oceans beneath come and swallow me
One direction, down, down, down
Pitch black night for my old town
Black oceans beneath shall now swallow me

------

This poetry is purely analogical.
Think on it
=)

Embrace the Emptiness

2009-06-24T12:52:00.002+08:00

So the light now is my weapon
Like a bush dried; withered in the sun
With this spark I'll go up in flames
I lay my guns down but they're too small to see
It's kinda cute how I resent to be
Everything but the instrument I am.

A better life is what I am after
My first name won't be my last one
Let the light just drip into your eyes
And I am dead, your eyes are light

So it's true my words are contrived
I tell lies just to get into your mind
I'm as fake as a widow's smile
This mask of glass is what I choose to wear
So I won't ever have the need to bear
To tell the truth to anyone but me

Please do this now I beg
Duct tape my arms and legs
Throw me into the sea
Now watch the waves eat me
Setting my cold heart free
I'll wash the shore in weeks
You cant save me now

I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script
All of my lines are cheap and the cast is weak
There was no music for the first time I got kissed
There was no femme fatale, my mistress wasn't rich
So I've been formatted to fit your TV screen
The film went straight to tape
I'll bow out quietly
So quietly

Embrace the emptiness
Let it enfold you

The New Divide

2009-06-16T00:44:00.002+08:00

I remembered black skies,the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

So give me reason to prove me wrong
to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole
connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

In every loss, in every lie
In every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye
was a mistake to great to hide
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve

2009-06-14T20:48:00.006+08:00

Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure

I hate this feeling

and I hate you for making me feel this way

Do I really?

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse

2009-06-13T04:04:00.000+08:00

There is no emotion, there is peace.; There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.; Through knowledge I gain strength



Through strength, I gain power: Through power, I gain victory





Through victory, my bindings are broken.

And I shall be free

2009-06-10T14:11:00.001+08:00

2009-05-26T13:20:00.002+08:00

In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
bending there in my direction.
I wrapped a hand around its stem
and pulled until the roots gave in,
finding there what I've been missing.

But I know...

So I tell myself
I tell myself, it's wrong.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you, I haven't slept in so long.
When I do, I dream of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore where I can lay my head down.
I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is shout it out

Inside my hands these petals browned;
dried up falling to the ground,
but it was already too late now

I pushed my fingers through the earth,
returned this flower to the dirt;
so it could live
I walked away now...

But I know...
Not a day goes by when I don't feel this burn.
There's a point we pass from which we can't return.
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm...

All because of you,
I haven't slept in so long.
When I do I dream
of drowning in the ocean;
longing for the shore
where I can lay my head down.
Inside these arms of yours.

All because of you
I believe in angels.

Not the kind with wings,
no, not the kind with halos;

the kind that bring you home
when home becomes a strange place.

I'll follow your voice;
all you have to do is shout it out...

2009-05-25T19:12:00.004+08:00

"Direct action is at times, rash. It is better to subtlety open people's eyes to see through yours rather than to close theirs forever"

Subtlety.

A trait that is fading fast in this present age.

An age where aggression is the way to go.

An age where messages are best delivered fast and through,at times, any means necessary, no matter what consequences there are.

An age where emotions more often than not overrule rational thought, causing the arm to move faster than the brain could comprehend.

An age where we act based on what we feel and not on what we have thought through. We use our feelings to subjugate the problems, caring only for what we feel and not what the other party perceives.

Where has gone the subtlety in weighing out all possible first before taking the appropriate path?

Where has gone the subtlety in achieving a state of peace before going into battle?

To push all your anxiety
To push all your anger
To push all your nervousness
To push all your callousness
To push all your emotions away

To find that calm center within yourself
To seek solace in the eye of the storm
To do what must be done, without any hint of emotions
To choose the right path
To stop, think and decide clearly
To open yourself in realisation that things might not go the way you planned it be
To accept whatever decisions; come what may

To allow yourself the reminder that to strike out in anger, is as good as throwing away the battle
To allow yourself the reprieve of checking your intention; making sure it is as pure as you thought it was at first

For even if you decide to allow yourself to decide in favour of your ego, may you realise it or not,

you have already lost

even before the battle had started

Therein lies the difference between bravery and courage

While one hinges on the total absence of fear,

the other falls upon the fact that fear is present
yet it is acknowledged before being put aside in favor of serenity
in favor of peace, tranquility

But for bravery, it is usually defined by the situation at hand
For an action could either be classified as brave

Or just plain stupid.

Like a friend once told me, "You're either stupidly brave, or bravely stupid".

Therein lies the paradoxical paradigm, whereby your total perception towards you hinges on the nature of your doing.

Say you're a stuntbiker, deciding to grind down 20 feet of rail for the thrill of it
or you punched or slapped or threaten someone because you couldn't hold your anger
True to say, there is no fear in those actions, but does that make the person brave?

No. Thats not bravery. Thats stupidity
Because they are still making decisions based on their emotions rather than rational thought

Bravery is when you leap into battle, fully equipped for it, knowing that is at stake and striving for it

Bravery is when you fight on despite overwhelming odds, knowing that you have no way out, but fighting on because you believe that even the smallest change can create the biggest repercussions

We are often at war with our own selves

Of the heart, and of the mind

Neither one is willing to give way to the other, always contradicting each other

You could take the easy way out and run from it all

or you could compromise

Like a wise good friend of mine always say

Think with your heart;
Feel with your mind

=)

Walau kumasih mencintaimu
Kuharus meninggalkanmu
Kuharus melupakanmu
Meski hatiku menyayangimu
Nurani membutuhkanmu
Kuharus merelakanmu ...

Sometimes, a little evil is necessary for the greater good

2009-05-22T11:02:00.000+08:00

The child without a name grew up to be the hand
To watch you, to shield you or kill on demand
The choice he’d made he could not comprehend
His blood a grim secret they had to command

He’s torn between his honor and the true love of his life
He prayed for both but was denied

So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed
Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?
So many years have past, who are the noble and the wise?
Will all our sins be justified?

The curse of his powers tormented his life
Obeying the crown was a sinister price
His soul was tortured by love and by pain
He surely would flee but the oath made him stay

Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear
For the dreams we had to silence, that’s all they’ll ever be
Still I’ll be the hand that saves you
Though you’ll not see that it is me

thanks.for.the.memories.
021108

.Never.Forget.

2009-05-07T23:45:00.001+08:00

So, interviews are coming to a close.

I'd say some are downright impressive, some average and others just somewhat disappointing.

But what's evident is that all of them are quite confident in their answers and standing.
Although I can see that they're quite nervous (tell-tale signs like fidgeting and the like), they are still able to express themselves clearly.

Interestingly, most of the freshies think that I'm intimidating. Funny la korang. Farhan yang president kat situ korang tak intimidated by him, aku pulak yang kena.

Actually, yes. I admit that I was intimidative during the interviews. Don't get me wrong, I don't do it because I receive a perverse sense of pleasure in seeing the interviewee squirm in their seats when faced with the barrage of questions.

I do it because someone has to. Let the rest give the interviewee the comfort. Thats what I did during the start of the interview too, I only got...nasty...towards the end.

Why? Because simply this. Life is not about rainbows and unicorns. Like it or not, its about the falls, the harshness of it too. And more often than not, those harshness comes when you least expect it, when you are lulled into a false sense of security. Thats life for you, and thats the reason why I choose to be intimidating.

Suddenly changing my style, coupled with the psychological effect of the question asked, I managed to gain an insight of how that person not only perceive the situation but also it reflects on themselves. The nature of how they answer, how long they take to answer, why they answer it that way and whether they stick to their stand, that plays alot in the outcome.

I represent the harshness of life. The bitter aspect of it. The sudden slap you get when you thought life is going good. What matters most is not how strong the slap is, but how you respond to it. Slap me back? Take it and think on it before answering? Or would you be too shocked to react?

Now..

As for you, dear reader. Let me ask you a question.

Imagine yourself standing at the middle of a railtrack. Up ahead of you, the railtrack branches out into two different directions, one towards the right, the other towards the left. One the right-hand side, theres one kid playing. On the left side, theres a group of them playing. (Take note that the kids are.say.. Primary 4. Old enough to think, yet not mature enough.)

Suddenly there's a passenger train oncoming, and the best part is, its oncoming towards the branch up ahead. JENG JENGGGGG~ You panic, you look around. Oh mama mia, here we go againn~
kie kie, you look around for anything that can stop the train, anything. An emergency brake, or perhaps even a phone in which you can call Superman to come and help

But unfortunately, all there is there is a lever. A lever in which you can pull it so that the train will go to either towards the right (one kid playing) or to the left (group of kids playing). You have no time to warn them and they are oblivious to the oncoming passenger train. In other words, the only thing you can do is to pull the lever and thats the end of the kids/kid on that branch.

You now have 3 choices.

You can either pull the lever and let the train go to the kids on the left, killing them but saving the kid playing on the right branch

OR

You can pull the lever and let the train go the the kid on the right, killing him BUT saving the kids on the left branch

OR

You can choose not to do anything. Just leave the lever as it is and watch what happens.
The train might go right or left. OR, it might even go straight and derail. Take into mind that it is a PASSENGER train and thus, there will be people in it. How many? Its not known. Could be 200, could be 500 or it could even be empty.

Are you willing to kill one to save the group?
Or sacrfice the group to save the one?

Or even run away from the responsibility of making the decision, despite knowing that by running away from it, you might have just condemned 500 people to their deaths, not including the damages incurred by the derailment of the train.

Choose.

And decide.

"When you thought you had all the answers...

...I change the questions"

2009-04-29T08:35:00.002+08:00

Once again, the feeling of limbo sets in

questions overule rational thought

as what once was light, now is streaked with shadows

Forgive me my friends for reserving myself

for this is a battle I can only fight alone.

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad

Sometimes it's so crazy
but nothing can save me
but it's the only thing that I have..

2009-04-23T11:20:00.002+08:00

"The smallest action has the ability to create the biggest repercussions in the future."

If you open your eyes wide enough, you'd realise that's how He sets events in motion. By manipulating the small insignificant things that'll eventually lead to the big ones(:

2009-04-20T23:34:00.002+08:00

The red tide beckons me near
seducing me with its soft caress

Tempted...
Lusted...

My hands touched the crest of the oncoming wave
as the dark energy drives up from my fingers to my body, i feel a perverse sense of pleasure

a sense of unabatedness...
invincibility..

But yet a voice within cried out to be heard
the cry tore asunder the blanket of darkness that has enveloped the heart

a cry of hope...
a cry for the light...

I pulled back, astounded by what I had almost allowed to devour me
for it knew I was once prey; now the predator

I ran away, as fast as I could.
Never again will I touch it.
Never again will I let it run free in me

Go away
Go away
I don't need it anymore

not now

not ever...

But then,

How can you run away from something that is very much part of yourself?

2009-04-17T22:51:00.006+08:00

3 years has past.

A journey in which I have set off from is now at its midpoint

but for those who have started on this journey with me, this is the end for them

I alone will go forth and continue on this road

Alone, I will continue.

Despite the pain.

Despite the hollow feeling.

But before I set forth, allow me a few minute's reprieve at reminiscing the journey I had shared with all those who have set forth with me

Walk with me...

3 years ago,
KEM - Kem Evolusi Melayu ( SPMLS FOC 06/07)

My group in KEM06, Asroq(Blue)
This was taken right after grouping, imagine my happiness when I realised I'm grouped with Amir, Farid and Wan, three guys of whom I've already made friends with during the start of the Kem.

Asroq's Survival Cooking creation.
We won this mainly due to the soup that we made, using Wan's Nenek's recipe.
I think he was lying about it being an actual recipe cos he's putting the ingredients at random.
But waddehell, we won and it tastes nice.heh. Nasib tak berak-berak lepas tu

Asroq's Mascot and cheer.
Our mascot is a finger pointing upwards to signify the number 1 and also to point upwards. kirekan in dedication to Him la.
Somehow, Hadi got the cutting abit wrong and it turned out looking like its pointing the middle finger.Hah.

Can't remember much about our cheer though. All I know is that it involves alot of gelek2. Yes, we're little kinky dangdut loving kids.haha

CaterJade's Mascot and Cheer
I just have to put this in. Probably the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.bleargh.
That girl ( I won't tell who that girl is), with the cardboard around her, is the team's mascot, a caterpillar. Whats worse is that when she started dancing. ACT CUTE TAHAP MAKSIMA. seriously takle angz. haha

Their cheer is the cheer everyone remembers. very catchy.
OH YAH, btw, that guy on the extreme left IS NOT Faan. Faan is wearing orange, he's being blocked by Zozi ( in grey)

oh and speaking of Faan, here he is.

THE ORIGINAL ABANG STEAM KODOK
kirekan nak step isap rokok mata steam uh tu.
Azhar pun samer jgak.

HAAAAAAA~ korang try guess ni siapa.

Hint: TENGOK TAHI LALAT~
=pp

Happy-happy sebelum satu2 basah kuyup.
Seriously, I have no idea what kind of pose I'm trying to do here.
But Hadi nampak macam budak kental maner gitu..Wan pulak macam nak act cute
Takperla, zaman kental katerkan.

For every camp, there will be a picture in which we will treasure until far beyond it.
For me, it is this picture. Why?

Because in this picture, I'm with two of the bestest friends I can ever have.
Because it marks the start of a beautiful friendship.
I just don't know it yet.

"eh kau tau, time kem evo aku ader amek gambar dgn azhar tau dekat2 pokok pisang"
"eh serious? yer kee..aku pun ader amek dgn dier sey..kat situ jgak"
"aku ingat time tu ader lagik satu orang, tapi aku tak tau saper budak tu..skali kau eh"
"maner ader sey..aku tau aku amek dengan dier dua orang jer tau..kau biar btul dgn azhar"
"seriouslaaa..tak cayer, jom kiter tgk"

*checks at the photo album*

"EH AH AH LA DGN KAU!!! EHH SERIOUS SEY AKU TAK SANGKA TU KAU!! HAHAHA"
"AH AH SEY!! KAUUUU, IT TOOK US THIS WHILE TO REALISE EH..KEWL SHITTT~"
"HAHAHAAH!! ITU UH SEY..FUH..LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW EH.HAHA"

***This conversation takes place approximately 2 years after the picture was taken***

Alamak, I can't resist it uh..
Introducing Wak..when he was still merely known as Abdillah.
Point of fact, the whole kem, dier pakai cap tu. Ntah knaper ntah, banyak dandruff agaknyer

HAAAA~ nie lagik satu nie..
Best Camper for Kem EVO, Sulaiha

When she won, I went..EH BUDAK GILER NIE MENANG?! hahahaa

oh, did I forget to mention that she went on to become one of my close sisters? (:

ASROQ
KEM CHAMPIONS
(we don't acknowledge CaterJade as co-champions because we're cooler)
oh btw, Arep tu menyebok jer. Maner-maner dier ader

SPMLS FOC 06/07
KEM - Kem Evolusi Melayu
TRY FINDING ME! HAHAHAHA~

The memories I will hold closely

No matter how much it hurts, I will go on

To my comrades who have gone forth..

if ever a day you ask yourself,

"WHAT LEGACY DID I LEFT BEHIND?"

just remember..

I am one of the many evidences of the legacy that you have left behind(:

But I'm down to my last
I'm standing here alone
Looking back on it all
But I'm down to my last
I'm ready, but I'm wrong
And I'm blind to it all

2009-03-30T13:39:00.003+08:00

Rebel

Deserter

Dissenter

Revolter

Revolutionist

Mutineer

Many names have I been labelled
Many more names will I be labelled

Some appalling

Some quite flattering

While others are just downright lacking in creativity.

Come now you guys,

you seek to delude yourselves into trying to second-guess me and utterly failing in that..
at least have the decency in you to give me a proper nickname, one that is befitting of me

Oh well, you know what they say, you want something done to your expectations, its best if you do it yourself. Because simply said, only you know what your own expectations are.

So as with that, I prefer myself to be more of a ... Maverick.

Someone who takes an independent stand apart from his peers

or to put it in a crude hindsight,

a nonconformist who refuses to abide by the dictates. Though technically still under the command of the organisation and thus bound by the organisation's rules and constitution, a maverick is one who works in the grey area.

He works by bending the Do's but never breaking into the Don'ts. He improvises by using whatever tools that he is limited to. His stance often led him into conflict with the forthright views of others.

It is this stance however, that makes him flexible. Because he is not honor bound to follow the rules to the word.

Had the others been less ignorant, they would understand one important thing;

In this stance, he would be the most valuable ally in the organisation's personnel

or

the most dangerous one ever to set foot in it.

In hindsight, thats what I am..a maverick

I am never one to work within the law or the rules. I'm not saying that I see myself as above them, no, never that. I prefer to work in between them. It gets more work done that way

And before you assume that I have no respect whatsoever about rules or protocols or the like, please don't take me to be an anarchist or whatsoever. I may used to be one, but now no. I do respect the rules. I do respect protocols. But I am not one who will blindly follow them when the situation warrants otherwise

Oh and for the record, those of you who have this question in your mind, "If he's so against doing that, then why is he still bound to the Quran, the Sunnah and the Shariah? Issn't that hypocritical of him?"

Well simply said, The Quran is the Word of God and the Sunnah is based on the Prophet, the best example we have of a near-perfect person. And now, those rules and protocols and the like, they are written by humans, fallible and flawed.

Also, the Quran and the Sunnah is syumul, or in other words, complete. It is flexible across the times and will be until the end of it. Put that in contrast to the rules and protocols that you hold dearly. How sure are you of how complete it is? And from what I know, it does not change with time (unless someone changes it), neither is it flexible of its own accord. Perhaps for the first 5 years or so and after that, contradictions will be found. Simply because people change, environments change..situations change.

So if you still hold blindly to it, then realise that you are no better than a robot who is preprogrammed to follow certain orders. In which it will blindly follow its programming no matter how old it is.

That leads to one more thing that I don't look too kindly and that is rigidity. Some people have this dogmatic approach in which the word of the rules or the constitution is the final word for them. Some even go on further and recreate the whole damn thing. Now thats what I call megalomania

In perspective of rigidity, I'd just say this. You live by the sword, you'll die by the sword.

You live by your dogmatic rigidity, then prepare to fall because of it

You can say the same for me of course, that one day, my skirting the rules will be my downfall

and you know what? I totally agree

But you see, I fall because I did all I could to avert the situation.
Whilst you fall because of you impotency to act, bound by all those needless binds you have imposed upon yourself.

I am a man of passion..of emotions..
Of hatred, of joy, of sadness interwined

But never once I let it go unchecked by my thoughts

I am a man of calculations..of tactics
of analysis, of strategy, of tactical acumen interwined

But never once I let it go unchecked by the feelings in my heart

I am a man

Who thinks with his heart

and feels with his mind

but never once I let it go unchecked by my own conscience

2009-03-20T09:42:00.001+08:00

On some positions, Cowardice asks the question, "Is it safe?"

Expediency asks the question, "Is it politic?"

And Vanity comes along and asks the question, "Is it popular?"

But Conscience asks the question "Is it right?"

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular,

but he must do it because

Conscience tells him it is right.

2009-03-19T21:13:00.002+08:00

Passion in my eyes, I lived it everyday
but how could you go and throw it all away
In my dreams it's me and you
it's there I saw it all come true
As time went by faith in you grew
so one thing left for me to do

I feel it burn inside
burning me like the rising sun
Lifted into the sky, took away the only thing I loved
I know after tonight all your power crumbles in my arms
So don't worry, I'll be fine
when my life ends, I'll leave this scar

When I fell down, I needed you there
Every note and every word seems so hard to take
Finally, In destiny

A smoking gun in hand, now don't you realize what you've done
Put a bullet in his back, your hero since you were so young
How could you kill the man who brought salvation through your pain
He must mean everything to end it all this shameful way

I started here so young and helped you get along
Just did it for the love, and people healed through us
Don't live your life in vain, don't take it out on me
You're cracked, so just remember, I'm not your enemy
I don't deserve to fall this way, by a woman who felt betrayed

I felt so down now you're around to rescue me
Every note and every word I'm listening
Sometimes problems seem too deep to take
Sometimes I cry thinking my future looks so bleak

In my dreams it's me and you, it's there I saw it all come true
As time went by faith in you grew, so one thing's left
.. is to finish you

Master

Apprentice

What does it matter

For in the endgame, both is an amalgamation of the other

What happened along the way...

What went wrong...

Why

Why

WHY

it matters not now

Because you have become the very thing we have sought to destroy in the first place

You are the Anakin to my Obi-Wan

and I have failed..you.

2009-03-17T22:19:00.003+08:00

every year, its the same old story

just different characters

i tried to stop it but it seems that the influence is just to strong to combat against

I have failed.

Let them talk.

Let them say.

Let them look to me as a deserter.

Remember me or not, I don't give a damn

I wasn't much use anyway

second guess me, go ahead

if you don't bother to ask WHY
if you don't bother to LISTEN, only to HEAR
if you don't bother to PERCEIVE, only to SEE

then THAT is all you're gonna get

This is my last swansong

This is my last fight

After this, I'm doing what I would have done last year, had it not been the promise made

I'm sorry, my mentors, for failing

But its about time I take my leave

2009-02-09T00:49:00.001+08:00

DISILLUSIONED
thats the word

2009-02-05T07:36:00.002+08:00

Ten thousand messages a day
A million more transmissions lay
Victims of the laissez faire
Ten thousand voices, a hundred guns
A hundred decibels turns to one
One bullet, one empty head
Now with the puppet master gone

Place a wager on your greed
A wager on your pride
Why try to beat them when, a million others tried?

Lost the battle, lost the war
Lost the things worth living for
Lost the will to win the fight
One more pill to kill the pain

And so we go, on with our lives
We know the truth, but prefer lies
Lies are simple, simple is bliss
Why go against tradition when we can
Admit defeat, live in decline
Be the victim of our own design
The status quo, built on suspect
Why would anyone stick out their neck?

just some things to ponder about(:

2009-01-26T21:13:00.003+08:00

Semalam yang telah pergi
Menghilang tanpa jejak
Membawa bersama cereka
Duka dan ketawa

Dan kini ku mencari
Kalau masih ada kesan
Yang terus tersisa di dada
Pantai permainan

Earlier today, I was looking back at my past writings when one phrase caught my attention.

It was from a piece of Harry Potter fan-fiction that I wrote sometime either last year or last two years. Yeah, I love writing fan-fiction in which I incorporate my own characters in the story alongside the existing ones.

I have a wild imagination. I know.

So anyways, some phrases which is in those writings caught my eye, especially this one:

"I do not Fear, for I am Fear incarnate. It is when you learn to see things as they are and not as what they appear to be, thats when you learn not to Fear. For everyone is, by nature, good. And if you seek to see the good in people, you have nothing to Fear from goodness. But all the same, never be blinded by it. Keep in mind that everything in this world has a sense of duality. For ever action, a reaction. For every white, there is black. And for every good, there is bad."

I don't exactly remember when I wrote that actually. Has to be either during my poly years or secondary school days.

The other phrases and quotes like :

"Direct action is at times...rash. Perhaps a subtle way would be to open their eyes to see through yours, rather than close them forever."

and perhaps, my personal favourite:

"The word "person" comes from the latin word "persona" in which context means mask.
Perhaps why the term is used is that humans often hide behind a variety of masks in which they invite people to to get behind it to see the real them. When they do, the person who sees it gets a burst of clarity. If the burst is bright enough, thats when we fall in love."

Perhaps its because I've seen that burst of clarity.

And needless to say, I'm enamoured by it(:

Pada awan biru ku melakar kata-kata
Pada langit cerah ku panah semua cerita
Dengarlah mentari suara hatiku menyanyi
Bertebangan jiwa merentasi pelangi

(((:

2009-01-11T23:19:00.003+08:00

Bilakah Damai

Mentari menangis di senja memerah
Bumi anbia menjadi padang jarak
Puing-puing runtuhan berserakan
Asap senjata dan hanyir darah menyesak dada

Tubuh-tubuh layu gugur bergelimpangan
Bertindih dalam kubur tanpa bernisan
Di hujung sana ramai yang kelaparan
Di dera wabak yang menyiksakan

Anak kecil bertanya bimbang
Wajahnya mencerminkan kedukaan
Mengapa lena ibu terlalu panjang?
Bilakah pula ayah akan pulang?

Dia yang tak mengerti apa
Menjadi mangsa pembantaian
Suara tangis menjadi syair sendu
Menyayat dan menyiat perasaan

Bilakan berhenti kekejaman?
Bilakan terhapus penindasan?
Kemana hilangnya kemanusiaan?
Bilakan damai akan menjelang?

Entah bila akan pulih keharmonian?
Sampai bila bersilih penderitaan?
Bila pula akan muncul ketenangan?
Soalan yang masih tiada jawapan

How would you feel...

to wake up every morning worrying if your family is still intact?

How would you react

to see your own brother or sister lying dead in front of you, another victim of a cold-blooded murder

What would you do

as you watch a father cradling the lifeless body of his child, his own face a mixture of anguish and hatred

What can you say

to the man who picked up the the pieces of rocks and attempted to throw it at the opposition soldiers, knowing that their retaliation will mean the end of him

to the man who had lost everything, yet he fought on, attacking the soldiers with whatever he had at hand, be it rocks or otherwise.

For we had always been wrong.

They hadn't lost everything.

They still had their faith burning strong within them

Look into each of their eyes and you will see a shine, a sliver of hope within all the anguish and darkness

A ray of hope brought forth by their strength in faith

For decades they have been in turmoil

For decades thousands have fallen

But yet, as God Wills it

the vanguard have yet to fall

One day, it'll be over

One day, when the time comes

InsyaAllah I will join you, my bretheren in answering the call

They do not want nor need your pity

What they need is your prayers

Going on with your life normally and only thinking about them when you heard the news or something is not enough

Remind yourselves.

They are fighting OUR WAR

The vanguard is faltering

But InsyaAllah

It will not fall.

NEVER FORGET
PALESTINE

If ye do good, ye do good for your own souls, and if ye do evil, it is for them (in like manner). So, when the time for the second (of the judgments) came (We roused against you others of Our slaves) to ravage you, and to enter the Temple even as they entered it the first time, and to lay waste all that they conquered with an utter wasting.

-[Yunus 17:7]

2008-12-25T15:59:00.001+08:00

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and...

Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is this God good then? Hmm?

Student: Silent.

Prof: You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fellow. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student: Silent.

Prof: Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

Student: Silent.

Prof: Is there sickness, Immorality, Hatred, Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

Student: Silent.

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn’t. (The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is notthe opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student: You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light... But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were you would be able to make

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood, either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter!)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it sir...

The link between man and God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving and alive.

Because Hope can only bring you so far.

Because Love can only bring you so close.

But it is Faith that gets you there.

2008-12-14T21:12:00.002+08:00

Following my stint at Sembcorp Industries, I leave with happy memories, and also some important values learnt.

Though my time there was short and admittedly boring, on another perspective, I've pondered upon what I've observed and seen and have realised some things.

Last Friday, lunchtime was as normal. Eat and after that played a few rounds of cards. I was somewhat aren't at my best on that day, looking that I feel guilty for not being able to go to Solat Jumaat despite the fact that I was currently at the middle of an industrial island whereby the only way out back to mainland is by the company bus which comes only at 5.

But that doesn't mean I should feel less guilty about missing out on Friday Prayers.

So on that day, I just sat and played, though my heart's not in it and my mind is busy wondering about other things.

It was then that I pondered upon the saying of : "Its not about what cards Life decides to deal to you. Its about how you play it."

Why that saying? Simply because I was playing cards, and as usual, pondering about life.

That is when I began to sat up and observe the other players, how they play their cards. And at the same time, take more notice of my own moves.

One can learn alot just by being there. Their facial expressions, from the sullen looks given when dealt with lame cards, to the joyous looks when dealt with winning cards, you can tell alot about the person. And of course those whose expressions are the same, whether they're winning or not.
These are the ones who gave nothing away, keeping their cards close to them, playing it very close. Being this way makes them unpredictable, negating others from being able to anticipate their moves.

But even more that can be derived from is the way they played their hands.

Some of them go in hard and heavy, going in with all guns blazing right from the start, putting in every hand that they can muster until they can't. While the others are those who often wait patiently for the right moment where they suddenly come out with an unbeatable hand.

There are some who win because of the hand they're dealt with. Those lucky ones are often given big numbered cards, or given cards which are able to play combinations which are hard to beat. And there are those who are given very lame cards, cards that are low numbered and often unable to play good combinations.

But yet, many a times I've seen those with lame cards emerging victorious from the match, more often than not the person who's fists are thrusted up in the air, aloft, along with a face filled with joy and of course, amazement at winning a match that he should have by all rights, lost.

One wonders, how. How could he win?

Simply put, either by a mess up by one of his opponents which he capitalised upon, or by sheer will and geniousity.

Now, lets put that in perspective of life itself.

Life is not about what is given to us. Its about what we make out of it.

Like the famous saying, "When life gives you lemons, make a lemonade out of it."

or my own version of it, "When life gives you a good kick, stand back up and revel in the pain and anger.For nothing beats the power of the Dark Side."

or the other version, "When life gives you shit, take that shit and make fertilisers out of it."

In other words, its simply means to make the best out of what life throws at you. Doesn't mean it looks bad, its going to turn out bad. Any obstacle in life can just be something that will teach you instead of impair you.

There are, some of us who in life have not been as fortunate as others have been. Or in other words, were not dealt with cards that look kindly upon them. Some have resigned to this fact and chosen it as their fate. Thus, they lie dormant and refused to move from that, claiming that this is the fate that God has deemed for them.

And of course, there are those who strive to make full use of the cards they are dealt with, no matter how bad they are. They strive hard to make it through out of sheer will and a desire to overcome. There are those who made it successfully because of their sheer geniousity while there are those who made it because of a lucky break.

Because that is what its about too. Taking our chances when it comes in front of us. We can choose to wait for a better chance, or we can seize the first one that comes along. In my opinion its best that the first chance is seized, simply because there is no guarantee that another chance might come along, let alone a better one. Just keep in mind never to regret your choices made should that better one come along when you've already taken the earlier one

As you see, with just a game of cards, alot of things can be derived from it. Only if one decides to think upon it. So, how do YOU play your cards?
=)

2008-12-10T23:50:00.001+08:00

What is Pain?
Pain is but a feeling.
Do not push it away, embrace it
Do not endure it, accept it
Do not fear it , make it your ally.
Pain is nothing but the feeling of fear leaving you.
I do not Fear. For I am Fear incarnate.

2008-12-02T22:22:00.002+08:00

It has been 2 days since my job stint over at SembCorp Cogen located at Pulau Sakra (Jurong Island). Have to say that its quite an enjoyable time over there, made quite a few friends. Closest are of course the other malay guys namely Sazali, Hafiz and Shahrul.

Two of them (Sazali and Hafiz) have already finished NS and are currently students in NTU and NAFA respectively while Shahrul is a JC student currently on holiday. Was abit at first sort of apprehensive to approach Sazali and Hafiz, looking that they're both much older than me and Shahrul but hey, age wasnt a matter and we became fast friends.

In a matter of hours, the warehouse became our playground, the Indian workers our partners-in-crime and the DCC Room our nap area. All four of us had lunch together, spent our breaks together and more often than not, when one of us finished work, we'll help each other out.
The Indian workers' bicycles became our own as we explore the island during our breaks and we might even get a hand at driving the buggy had our manager not came out and asked us to do some stuffs for him.

Earlier just now Sazali played with the toaster that we found in one of the cupboards and caused a short circuit that blacked out the entire warehouse. Work was suspended for an hour after lunch and lucky for us they didnt manage to trace where it came from. And at 3, having finished my zuhur prayers, I fell asleep at our nap area all the way till 430, just 15 minutes from dismissal.

Working there and seeing everyone there, like Hafiz say, we get to see people from very different backgrounds coming together. Our group, for example is one good example of it. On one side you have the 'mat drug' lookalike, all-time slacker and school dropout but very creative Sazali. On the other side you have the 'abang abang' lame joker and NS high-flyer Hafiz. Next you have the token nerd. The selenge one who's role is to mainly provide comic relief mainly due because of his ke-selenga-an. And that is Shahrul. And lastly, you have me. The one who's a mix of all those above. The slacker, almost-school dropout, lame joker and comic relief provider.

Despite the work, or lack of it, I would say that this is a good working experience for me as after being Logistics Officer of SPMLS, I've always wondered how they do things in a bigger scale, for example in a warehouse or events. I've already had a hand on controlling logistics during a big event during my time on internship with Singapore Heart Foundation. Now, I've seen how logistics works in the warehouses.

That aside, currently I have another job also albeit a freelance one. I've been asked to be a writer for a going-to-be-launched football portal based in Singapore BUT sanctioned by ESPN. Basically I'll be doing the team reviews and post-match commentary. It's a big exposure step for me, as I do harbor dreams of being a writer. Maybe perhaps being a writer in a website sanctioned by a worldwide company such as ESPN will have its perks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is such a terrible thing, to fall
But far more terrible is to admit it...

On to matters arising. Many a times we find ourselves being a constant victim of slanderous or unnecessary talk. At times, pehaps it is our own fault for supplying the ammunition to them. But more often than not, we did nothing of wrong yet they still continue with that kind of talk. And somehow, more often than not, those people who talk are often those who are close around you. Its them who smile at you sweetly whenever you talk to them. Its those who talk to you nicely.
These are the ones who are close to you, who in their disillusioned minds think that they know you best because they're close to you. And in their disillusion, they tend to think that that gives them the right to talk about you behind your backs.

Do not see every enemy as an enemy—see them instead as an ally, whether they know it or not

I? I am but a mirror, whose only purpose is to show you what your eyes cannot yet see

In my point of view, whenever you talk behind someone, your words are actually serving as a mirror for you to mirror back on yourself. Because for all you know, you're doing the exact same thing that you're talking of that person doing. Just because you pointed that person's mistake out doesn't make you any better than that person is. Ironic issn't it? Here you are happily condemning a person because of something he did while all this while, you're blissfully unaware of the fact that you're doing the exact same thing. OR RATHER, you ARE aware of what you're doing which is worst. At least if you're not aware, you can hide the excuse of being ignorant.

When one relies on sight to perceive the world, it is like trying to stare at the galaxy through a crack in the door

Just because your eyes sees it, doesn't mean its true. Seeing is NOT always believing. If its simple as that, God won't give us the capacity to think because simply, seeing something is enough to believe it. We are given the capacity to think, use it. If not, you're no better than any animal you see outside, just relying on pure instincts.

When you see something, don't straight away get it to your head that it happened the way you see it. Its like you came in late for a movie and suddenly, the car in the screen just explodes. You wouldn't be thinking, " Oh God, the car just blew up just like that! Without any reason!". Don't be an ignorant idiot. Everything happens for a reason. Think. Use that capability to think. Analyse it, why it happened, how it might happened, what are the possible scenarios that could lead to it.

Of course, I'm not asking you to be THAT analytic during the movie. Put what I say into the context of everyday life when you saw something happening thats sort of shocking in your eyes.
Remember, if you are to truly understand, then you will need the contrast, not adherence to a single idea.

And as before, I say it once again. I am a man who can take critics. PROVIDED, they are direct. I especially loathe words that came to me from others, sort of like, "eh yan, I overhead so and so say that you're bla bla". Oh please, we're all matured adults here, please grow up. If you think I might get hurt by your words, this goes to show how much you actually know me. I don't mind being judged my others, but simply put, I doubt that your judgement of me is right if you don't know me that well. Thank you very much.

I have found that answers come in their own time, not ours

and before I leave, remember:

It is a far greater victory to make others open their eyes, rather than to shut them forever.
Think about it

Tak semua lahir sempurna
tak semua lurus jalannya
bermulalah cerita dan dijadikan cerita

Dengan izin yang Maha Esa
wujud aku cinta dan cita
Segala yang ada bermula
dari yang Maha Esa

Aku akui ada langkah serongku
taklah hasratku setajam itu
Yang amat ku risau lidah hujan
dibanjiri fitnah melilau-lilau

Tuhan melindungilah dia dari kata jahat mereka itu
Doa-doa di pohon sentiasa
dan setiap masa

Ampunilah dosa-dosa
semasa lakuku ke sana
Dewasakanlah pemikiranku
yang tak sebagai mana
Salah silap ku berkarya
tak pernah ku salah guna...

021208 - the first of many more to come(:

2008-11-23T08:45:00.002+08:00

Have you ever woken up with tears streaming down your face?

An aftermath of a dream so saddening, so surreal.

Till now, I'm shocked by what happened in the dream. Not one, but two close ones.

Gone, just like that.

It may have just been a dream, but perhaps there are things to it to be derived.

But for now, I'm still shaken by it.

2008-11-18T09:35:00.003+08:00

Have you ever wonder,

how it feels like to have hatred coarsing through your veins, feeling all that dark energy within you?

Have you ever wonder,

how it feels like to hold such power in your hands but you know you can't find it in yourself to wield it?

Have you ever wonder,

how it feels like to have fallen so badly, that when you look back, you're disgusted by your pitiful self?

Have you ever wonder,

how it feels like to feel so weak, that you can't even raise your arms in defeat?

Have you ever wonder,

how it feels like to hold the life of a person in your hands, whereby you risk crushing it if you hold it too tightly but it'll dissipate if you didnt hold it tight enough?

Musings, musings, musings

Perhaps the day I stop all these musings in my head is the day I technically die.

All that aside there's perhaps something thats been in my head for quite sometime

and that is the issue of anger.

I know, people might say that I'm perhaps not the best person to talk about it. Well, I DO have a reputation as one of those who is most likely to blow up in a confrontation.

Why?

Because of one stupid thing I did during Darmawisata '06.

Fine, I lost it during that time, what is now called the infamous "Red Card" incident. My team was winning but come full-time, we lost the match because of bad refereeing and poor communication. Now, if we had lost because we were playing badly, that I understand. But this time we lost because of other factors. I said a few words that I shouldn't have and I'm not proud of it.

But I learnt from it and moved on. Hell, during Ikem I even made fun of that incident by pretending to protest furiously to Wan (who coincidentally was the referee during Darma '06 also) during the dodgeball games. Interestingly enough, some people thought that I was really angry at that point of time mainly because of my track record.

Thats what they always remember. When the word 'SUFYAN' and 'ANGER' comes to mind, the first picture that comes into mind will be me kicking up a fuss during Darma '06.

Please people, wake up and look at the calendar.

You're comparing me to how I am 2 years ago. Please. Don't.

I'm not saying that I am much better than how I was last time, I can't judge myself, only you people and Him can. What I am saying is that, please, don't let the past impression of me cloud your impression of me NOW.

I can laugh, I can joke about it, but the fact is, I'm disturbed by it.

Its like no matter how hard I try to control, no matter how many times I succeed in doing so, if you people refuse to see beyond that stupid thing I did last time, then there's no use at all.

How many times have I controlled my temper during football matches, where tempers are prone to growing out of control?

How many times have other players flared up in anger and confronted the opposition because of a foul, while when I was badly fouled, I just complained to the referee. If he gives the foul, good. If not, so be it. Take note that I'm a striker. 80% of fouls committed are on the strikers because they are the ones on constant threat to the defenders. The only reason why I don't get fouled as bad is because I'm small. Meaning that I get around those big lumbering defenders easily.

Wan and Epin has Yellow Cards to their name. ME? None. So why is it that I'm branded the temperament one while they got scott free without any labelling? Yeah, thats right. Because they don't have a history with anger management that you guys know about. I DO.

Hey, I admit. I DO have some anger management problems.

At times when I least expect it, my anger do flare up without any signal. Sometimes when Lina got into my nerves too much, I tend to snap back abit more harsh than usual.

Sometimes, my anger flares up when I remembered something of the past. But I just put it aside and think about other things. I didn't say that I totally control my anger now, but I can say that I have it controlled to the best that I can.

Because thats the truth, no one can run away from anger. No one can fully satiate it. Control of it is what makes the difference between feral rage and sanity.

And furthermore, I like to have this sudden flares of anger within me. It keeps me on my toes. It keeps me from being disillusioned by thinking that I can be patient at all times, when the truth is, I can't. Patience has its limits.

So be reminded.

When you label someone as 'temperament' take a good look at yourself first.

Those little times in which you snapped back, or said something in annoyance, or even just commented something in pure spite, all those accumulated might just be much much more that what that one thing the 'temperament' person did.

because you'll realise that the tangy, dark aura that you perceive were coming from him...
is actually coming from yourself.

2008-11-09T22:33:00.006+08:00

Yesterday's match ended 4-0 in favour of our opponents.

Same old story yet again. We dominated the match but fell short because of a mixture of injuries, bad fitness level, incompetence in front of goal and lack of communication.

I myself accounted for probably half of our team's shot on target with 2 shots palmed away by the goalkeeper and one rebounding off the woodwork. Zureen was guilty for missing 2 chances and alot more chances should he have passed instead of going for glory. Same goes for Wan.

I account myself guilty for the injury part. I've known that I've yet to fully recover from horrendous injury sustained during OCT but yet I played on. Because of the injury, I switched from being striker to attacking midfield. The impact was instantaneous. Gave Zufaidi a delightful through ball which that idiot missed and kicked the goalkeeper instead of the ball.

Simply said, the new team's playing well. But I missed the old guys. I miss having Syafiq beside me. I miss having Fawzey playing in the hole behind us. I miss having Hazeeq controling the left flank. I miss having Azhar and Epin controlling the defence. But well, they're gone now and its up to the new bloods to step up

Oh and Manchester United lost against Arsenal yesterday. Sucks, I know.

ALRIGHTY

Enough about football already, lets talk...POLITICS

Unless you've been under a rock all these while ( I'm not referring to you, Patrick Starfish), you'll know that history have been made just recently.

Mr. Barack Hussein Obama has been elected as President-Elect of the United States of America, making him effectively the most powerful man in the world and also the firstAfrican American President of the U.S. But what is less known is that he is the first President of the U.S who has a direct Muslim heritage, coming from his paternal side. He, however, is a Christian

If you HAVE been under a rock and have no idea who Obama is. He's this guy

He beat the other Presidential hopeful, Mr. John McCain, a 70+ year old former prisoner of war turned Senator. Somehow I have the feeling that should McCain won, he would have died of heart attack from all that euphoria. Anyways, this is McCain

As you can see, he's a little too much on the old side, maybe thats why the American population preferred Obama over him.

Okie, I just couldn't resist it.

Perhaps just one more?

Those crazy comments keep me laughing everytime.

So lets stop talking politics for now and go on to other stuffs instead.

I always have this belief that everyone that comes into our lives plays a significant impact in shaping it.

Some came into your life with a bang, but left without a whimper. Some came into your life as a virtual unknown as a friend of a friend or just a mere acquaintance but ended up making a big impact in your life.

Such is the threadline of each of our own destinies that even the slightest touch to it will create a significant impact in the future.
And now I realised the answer to this one question I asked you before:

"Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words"
- Where Would We Be? (Good Charlotte)

The answer is well, would it be any different now? Maybe it does, but it doesn't change the fact that where we are now, is what we have attained after all we've been through together.
=)

ana uhibbuki jiddan ya habibati(:

2008-11-03T16:10:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, the smallest thing can create the biggest impact

Sometimes, doesn't mean it looks insignificant, it doesn't have potential to create significant repercussions in the future

Sometimes, when you have almost exhausted all means of making it happen, instead of going in harder, you should have instead take a moment to stop

bow down

prostrate yourself in supplication to him

and watch it unfold of its own accord.

Because many a times we push hard for the results that we want and when things don't go our way, we get angry at ourselves and hit ourselves for it. Then we work harder and harder still until apparently, bringing ourselves to the point of exhaustion and frustration for the results are still the same.

I'm not saying its wrong, but all the same, you're doing it wrong.

Because you see, to me, yes all of us have a rein in our lives, everything is pre-destined, but NOT fixed. All the same, if He deems it so to NOT happen, it won't happen, no matter how much you put in it. He has His reasons for not letting it happen and its for your own good.

Thats why to me, there's only up to a point that you give your all and after which, you should stop instead and leave it up to Him. You've given your best, now its time to let Him unfold it for you.

Understand this, I believe it is so is because sometimes, when we get too engrossed in achieving the desired results, we tend to push aside everything else and at times, even Him. When in the first place, who is it that gave you the ability to try hard to achieve the results? Who is it that gave you the perseverance? Who is it that gave you the patience? HE gave you all that.

Thats why you must at one point of time stop and remember His gifts to you. It is Him who gave you all the abilities that you have. What? You think you magically acquired it all just like that?

Like someone once said to me:

TAWAKKAL without EFFORT is STUPID

EFFORT without TAWAKKAL is ARROGANCE

without both, you are STUPID because you're ARROGANT to Him

with both, InsyaAllah you will attain what it is you have desired for

Remember,

"Remember me and I will remember you"
[Al-Baqarah 2 :152]

"Those who believe, and whose hearts find their rest in the remembrance of Allah--for, verily, in the remembrance of Allah hearts do find their rest."
[Surah Ar-Ra'd 13: 28]

and a subtle reminder...

"He who turns away from the remembrance of His Lord; He will cause him to undergo a severe Penalty"
[Surah Al-Jinn 72 :17]

Fi Amanillah dear readers...

To deviate matters for a moment..

O Lord, gracious have You to have sent this Gift to me on that fateful day
I will treasure and cherish her for as long as You deem it so, Lord
I am not the best of your slaves, many a times have I not bow down in supplication to You
Many a times have I cried in supplication but roared in laughter after that

But yet, Your bounties are endless
Your love knows no boundaries
Your forgiveness are far beyond any ocean's expanse

Oh Lord, I have asked, and You have given
I will give it to the best of my abilities that you have given me so as together, she and I will attain Your felicity, Insya-Allah.

Ya Allah, redhakanlah perhubungan ini
limpahkan lah rahmat ke atas kami
pimpinlah kami ke jalan yang lurus
agar kami mencapai mardhatillah

3 Dzul'Qaidah 1429H

May our love last

for

His Love
=)

2008-11-01T08:43:00.002+08:00

“ O ye who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance & prayer: for Allah is with those who patiently persevere!

(Al-Baqarah 2 : 153)

“ He who remains patient, Allah will bestow patience upon him, and he who is satisfied with what he has, Allah will make him self – sufficient. And there is no gift better and vast than patience”

( Sahih Bukhari , 8.477)

If there are twenty amoungst you, patient and persevering, they will vanquish two hundred : if a hundred, they will vanquish a thousand of the unbelievers.

( Surah Al-Anfal : 65 )

Patience.

One fact0r that I've sorely lack all this while.

But yet somehow, it held on this far.

Alhamdulillah

Just a little bit more to go

InsyaAllah(:

Bleesed be the Lord my strength, which teaches my hands to the war, and my fingers to fight.

My goodness and my fortress... my high tower and my Deliverer.

My shield, and He in whom I trust

O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not my enemies triumph over me

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku

Redhakanlah perhubungan antara kami

Limpahkanlah rahmat ke atas perjalanan kami

Titipkanlah bahagia antara kami agar kemesraan itu abadi

Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini ketepian yang sejahtera dan abadi

Dan Ya Allah,

Bantulah kami ke jalan yang lurus

Ke jalan yang kau beri hidayah dan rahmat

Ke jalan yang menuju ke cinta hakikiMu

Amin, Ya Rabb 'Alamin

2008-10-28T20:52:00.003+08:00

Sunyi...
selubungi malam...
Mengusik minda yang terlontar jauh...
Masih hangat terasa ...
Tangan yang membelai yang mengusik manja...
Daku damba kasihmu...
Biar jadi pedoman...
Buat penyuluh jalan kugapai impian...

Angin.. .
kau nyanyikan lagu...
Untuk permataku...
tenang selalu...

Bayu...
sampaikan berita...
Daku kini ceria...
aman dan bahgia...
Selimutkan rinduku bersama malammu..

Hadirlah...
kau dalam mimpiku...
Agar kau selalu...
ada disisiku...
Rindu belaian kasihmu...
Rindu senyumanmu...
Penawar lukaku...
Dengarkan laguku...
hadiah untukmu...
Jasa dan baktimu ku kenang selamanya...

Lately my mind has been swamped by countless of thoughts without fail
Some mundane, some irrelevant, while some are just plain incoherent

There are of course at times when these thoughts turn out to be pretty much relevant and never fails to bothers me so. Not that I have no time in my hands to think about them. I do.
Its just that sometimes when I think too much about them, it hurts my head, so I'd rather not

That aside, these days have been going good for me. Emotionally, I'm at my peak. Mentally, never better. Physically, I feel like I can beat the crap out of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt and Lance Armstrong put together. *macam paham, saper jugak yang terlantar kat tengah-tengah road time OCT?*

Just as it is, events that has transpired in my life recently further opened up my eyes to the realisation that some events that might not appear significant, might turn out to be the catalyst for something much more important in the future.

A case in point, take for example the saying, "one mosquito can defeat a whole army".

First and foremost, do not take it as a literal saying, that is a mosquito literally taking up arms against a whole army. What it actually means is that it takes just one mosquito carrying a disease like malaria or dengue, to infect one soldier. Looking at the confinement of soldiers in the army, the disease will spread rapidly among them and thus, the demise of a strong army at the hands of one puny little insignificant insect.

What does this have to do with everything? you may ask

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes, insignificant events happening right before us..or in the heat of the moment, might lead to significant realisations or other significant events in the future.
Take for example during Operation Night Cycling Tido or Thingy or Tawakkal, whatever. I fell prey to my gung-ho-ness (I've a certain fallacy to be that way) and decided that this little cramp in my right calf issn't going to be much of a problem

How wrong can I be

I chose to ignore the tell-tale warnings and continued on until both of my legs decided they've had enough and gave way. Thats when you see me flat on the middle of the road, yelling at others not to stop, flipping the finger at the world for putting me in this spot. Yes, thats me, I can't shut up, not even when I'm down and I'm in excrutiating pain.

But you see, the events that transpired because of my injury, it really makes me wonder at His Greatness. First and foremost, because the realisation really opened my eyes and also because the subtleness of the transpiration of events goes to show that everything that happens in this world is guided by a divine purpose of understanding far greater than ours will ever be.

Because thats how He does things. He doesn't do it by direct action, He does it by manipulating things on an intrinsic level, by prodding certain events this way or that way to achieve the desired result. Of course, He is more than capable of just making it happen just like that. But once again, we come to the fact that our understanding is LIMITED. We know only what He wants us to know and for some of us, knowledge of the Unseen is very very lacking.

We believers might not be too surprised if one day, God were to just make a dragon appear out of nowhere and fly around the earth. Why? Simply because although it is out of the ordinary, we have learnt and accepted that there are laws that trascend out of our understanding. That is the law of the Unseen, which only He knows what those laws are.

But for those disbelievers, when they see something out of ordinary like that, they could either have a change of heart and believe....or they could fell down in prostration to that dragon. Such is the nature of human perceptions.

And now, I think I've strayed too far from what I want to say.
Actually, since when there's a topic to what I blog anyways.

Its time to take my leave now, but before that...

Finally, at long last, I met one of my inspirations to further pursue my Islamic studies.
None other than Ustaz Akhil Hayy Rawa himself.

"Assalammualaikum Ustaz, you've been my inspiration. Terima kasih ustaz"

"Waalaikummusalam WB. Alhamdulillah, keep doing what you're doing. Anta masih muda, perjalanan masih panjang lagi. InsyaAllah."

*Ustaz Akhil Hayy hugs a flabbergasted Sufyan*

A short exchange of words

A small gesture of love

But yet

A giant impact on a young man's heart

2008-10-28T10:14:00.001+08:00

Watch this space

2008-10-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

The night falls and darkness beckons

A lone warrior stood by the door of his conclave, watching the last rays of the light falter

Behind him, his loved one lay asleep, oblivious to the world, to the darkness that is coming

The warrior turned and watch his loved one in her slumber. Watching as she heaved up and down with every breathe she takes.

The love of his life. The one who completed his life. In all his years of war, of bloodlust, it was her that opened his eyes to the other things in life.

His heart, hardened like tempered steel, through all the hardships and battles he've been through, were melted just by her mere touch

His soul, renderred an empty shell with all those lives he have taken, was revitalised by her mere presence

His faith, withered to ashes, were relighted by her own candle of faith

The warrior looked down, contemplating what he must do. To protect. To serve. To uphold

But most importantly

To protect his loved one from the darkness

The warrior reluctantly picked up his shield and his sword and walked out to face the darkness.

because the warrior cannot run from what he is

and right now, in order to protect his loved one

he is no longer just a warrior...

He is the Knight Herald

Forfeit the game
before somebody else takes you out of the frame
and puts your name to shame
Cover up your face
you can’t run the race
The pace is too fast
you just won't last
You live what you learn

2008-10-22T10:43:00.005+08:00

2 years ago this day

T'was a day marked for remembrance
a day bookmarked for jubilance
A day when everything was fixed
Twenty second October, two thousand and six

We started without knowing anything
Some say too fast for any feeling
Some say we won't last 2 weeks
Others say just go with the beats

But we lasted far long than they thought
The battles all we together fought
But in the light, a streak of darkness lie
Vanquishing all in the night's cry

And then came the separation and loss
upon reasons which I wont disclose
Hearts once that were interwined
Now broken, grinded to fine

But we rebuild from a foundation of trust
That is a friendship that will outlast
Let what we had be a memory
To look back and savour the simplicity

To whom it may concern,
Thank you for the memories and playing a role in making who I am today
=)

22/10/06
remember

Nuraniku Mulai Menagis

2008-10-15T23:59:00.003+08:00

I was at Ghufran earlier today to do my Asar and Maghrib prayers before sending dearest home.
As I was waiting for the Azan, I watched as a man with a bad limp came into the Iktikaf area and looked around for a chair. As all of the chairs are used by senior citizens, he proceeded to continue with his prayers, doing it standing despite his bad limp.

One of the senior citizens close to him offered the seat, but he refused, saying that the old pakcik needs it more than him. I watched as the man proceeded to do and finish his solat, albeit slowly because of his difficulty. My heart cried silently, saddened at his ordeal yet admired by his staunch desire to solat....

After sending dearest home, I made my way back to Jurong, and by the time I reached home, it was already Isyak. After I finished solat Isyak, I noticed my little brother, 7 years of age standing at the door watching me. I called him towards me and he sat on my lap as I read the doa after solat. After that, I asked him, "Adek buat aper kat situ?" He replied, "Adek tengok along tengah solat." Curiousity got the better of me so I enquired further. "Buat aper adek nak tengok along solat pulak?" and he answered... "Adek nak solat tapi adek tak tau macamaner. Abah slalu solat biler adek da tido, jadi adek nak tengok along solat jadi adek bole ikot".

Imagine your 7 year-old sibling coming up to you and saying that. I was beyond words. I couldn't find anything to say. But at that moment, certain moments of the past came flashing past...

3 years ago
I just signed up for SPMLS Kem Evo and had messaged my friends from Jurong Sec coming into SP to do the same. Azhar replied that he already did and is looking forward to it, while the rest did not reply. At McDonald's(T1A) I met Iman, one of my Jurong Sec friends coming to SP and so I asked him if he signed up for it. He said no. Why? In his words ,
"Pasal nanti kena paksa solat. Aku taknak solat."

a few months back
Me, Azhar and another close friend of ours are out on an outing at Orchard. The time was close to 7 and we have yet to solat Asar. As we passed the lane leading to Al-Falah Mosque, I said to them that we should do our Asar prayers first before continuing. Azhar agreed, while my other friend merely said... "Takper la, korang gi jer, aku nak gi kedai tu, takot ramai orang nanti"

a few weeks back
Me and abah were at Daru Arqam to perform our Maghrib prayers. As we're taking our ablutions, a group of youths came. The guys are all wearing shorts while the girls are all wearing tudung. Not uncommon you say, well how about this. The guys sat at the benches while the girls went off to take their ablution. Even after me and my dad were done with our prayers, they're still outside and since we both occupied the last saf, I apparently did not noticed at all that they went in and solat or not and by the time we're done, its around 4-5 mins to Isyak. My dad merely said... "Yang perempuan pakai tudung, solat...yang lelaki duduk luar tunggu, pakai seluar pendek. Kalau tanya kenapa tak solat, kasi alasan pakai seluar pendek, padahal yang in the first place, siapa suruh pakai? Yang perempuan pun satu, dah tau taknak bilang. Kenapa? Takot matair marah, tak kasi pakai seluar pendek? Kirekan Tuhan marah tak takot la eh?

With that, my mind snapped back to the current continuum of space and time. I thought about it, I pondered and it was there it came to me.

Why is it that those people who lack the capacity to solat often burns in them the desire to solat, while those who are fully equipped to do so, often holds of doing so, giving often abject reasons as to why he could not do so.

A cripple who refuses to burden others with his plight and completed his solat despite all the difficulties...

A 7 year-old boy who doesn't know how to solat, but wants to learn how to solat. So that he can bow down and prostrate to the Lord...

Such examples as this is where the beauty....and complexity of Life lies...
=)

nuraniku mulai menangis kerana tak dipedulikan lagi
Tinggalkan kebenaran
Agungkan kesombongan
Inikah petanda dariMu Tuhan?

2008-10-09T22:47:00.005+08:00

Whenever I surfed into Youtube there's always one thing that came first and foremost into my mind..

And that one thing is......

*drum roll*

ERK

KIE NOOOO...

not POKEMON!
though I do like Pokemon

and unlike *someone says

I AM NOT ADDICTED TO POKEMON!!!!!

Kie lets start over

The first thing that came to my mind everytime I went to Youtube is...

Yes. SCRUBS

This show never failed to make me laugh around on the floor one second, bring tears to my eyes the next.

This is perhaps one of the few comedy shows that more often than not delivers a twist so dramatic, one moment you would be laughing at Dr. John Dorian's absurd daydreams, the next moment you'll find yourself inside the Operating Theatre with Dr. Turk as he battles to save someone's life or you'll find yourself with Dr. Cox as he wrestles his inner demons.

Such is the unpredictability of the show, very much like life itself. That you'll never know whats coming at you at the next corner. The show too represents of what my outer perception of life is, and that is a joke. Life issn't meant for you to take too seriously. Granted, at times, you do have to. But most times, when we can't seem to find the answers to some of the questions, instead of looking at it too deeply, we should have instead take a step back, and look at the bigger picture.

Perhaps one of my most favourite quote from Scrubs is one said by the effervescent Dr. Perry Cox regarding relationships :

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever, gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do... believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

Go figure

=)

2008-10-07T23:27:00.003+08:00

aku yang memandang di dalam lubuk hati
mencari-cari zat rahsia yang katanya tersembunyi
aku yang melihat alam meliputi wujud menyertai
lalu ku pindahkan alam ke dalam mata hati

aku hakiki
aku mengerti
segala yang terjadi di langit dan di bumi
gunanya tiada fantasi,

pelik dan benar
qada' dan qadar
kau berilah ku kekuatan
agar dapat ku hindarkan
segala kesesatan

usah kau biar nafsuku terliur dari pandangan majazi ini,
aku yang hodoh lagi hina amat benar merindui
moga cahaya lailatul tak membutakan mataku
semoga segala puji tak ku meninggi diri
moga segala janji dapat juga ku penuh
moga dapatku hadapi tikaman dari belakang
lidah setajam pisau
ku tidak akan risau dengan cabaran sepanjang perjalanan

ku pasrah

ku akur

Alhamdulillah Syukur

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week is GEMS registration week and once again the panic and hysteria to chose the modules for GEMS, whether preferred or peer-pressured, is somewhat overwhelming.

I still remembered during registration for my GEMS (Psychology and Counselling). I was doing the registration for Lin also since ours happened to be on the same timing and she is busy at that time. I used my desktop for her registration and my laptop for my registration. Ini la terserlah ke-kiasuan typical Singaporean. haha

In a moment of sheer forgetfulness, I tried to log into SAS to see my timetable. After various attempts to do so failed, only then did I remembered that for the moment, I'm not in SP anymore. Until I'm reinstated, all of my SP-related accounts will be suspended. InsyaAllah I will be back in. Results of the appeal have yet to come, but I'm praying for the best. And prepared for the worst. Or so I think.

People have been asking me, why I don't seem the least affected by this. Why do I seem like it means nothing to me. As if dropping out is just a norm that people go thru.

Tell you what.

Just because I don't show it, I don't feel it. What, you expect me to down crying on my knees?
You expect me to just wallow in my sorrow, blaming the world for doing this to me?

No way. I'm not like that. I just tell myself,

YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. WHATS THE USE OF WALLOWING? IT DOESN'T HELP THE SITUATION, ITS MAKING IT WORST.

Thats what I constantly remind myself when shit happens. Yeah, shit happens, so what. If you think you got it hard, think of the others who are suffering worst than you. Remember that whatever shit that you went through, it is nothing compared to what others have went.

If you were to think, "Nah I'm pretty sure no other person have gone through what I just went through." I say: "You my friend, have truly forgotten what our beloved Prophet have went through to put us where we are today. I daresay my friend, a little more appreciation is in order."

When shit happens, you gotta remember that everything happens for a reason and Allah S.W.T will never put an obstacle before someone that he or she won't be able to get through. All we have to do is believe and have faith. And stop being ignorant to what is in front of us. The questions are there for a reason and more often than not, the answers lie within ourselves. Ignorance will make you be blinded to the fact that it is important to answer those questions though it might not deemed to be so. Because simply put, you won't know how much importance the answers will mean to you.

I was once this kid who often takes a "too-serious" view on life. So much that I take things too seriously. And when things go wrong, I tend to blame others except myself. That I tend to just wallow in my sorrow and not do anything.

But now, its different

You see

I'm a joker. I'm a comedian. Thats what I am now.
That's how I deal with life now. See, I've always believed that despite everything being pre-destined, it does not mean that everything is FIXED. He knows what path we will take, but the fact is, we DON'T. WE HAVE A CHOICE. We always do. Its whether we want to take it or not

You can either look at the world and say, "Oh, isn't it all so tragic, so grim, so awful."
Or you can look at the world and decide that it's mostly funny.

If you step back far enough from the details, everything gets funny.
You say war is tragic. I say, isn't it crazy the way people will fight over nothing?
People fight wars to control crappy little patches of empty desert, for crying out loud.
It's like fighting over an empty can. Or like fighting over a stupid plate. Yea, go figure
It's not so much tragic as it is ridiculous. Asinine! Stupid!

You say, isn't it terrible about global warming?
And I say, no, it's funny
We're going to bring on global warming because we ran too many air conditioners?
We used too much spray deodorant, so now we'll be doomed to sweat forever?
That's not sad. That's irony.

You see..thats what I see life as right now.

A joke.

And its totally up to us to whether we want to take a step back and look at the funny side of it.
Or you want to inspect every fine detail of life and miss out mostly on it

Because life is a joke, we are the comedians

Cos it's OUR job to tell it and make it lasting to the people who hears it.

sujudku pun takkan memuaskan inginku
untuk hanturkan sembah sedalam kalbu
adapun kusembahkan syukur padamu ya Allah
untuk nama,harta dan keluarga yang mencinta

dan perjalanan yang sejauh ini tertempa
alhamdulillah pilihan dan kesempatan
yang membuat hamba mengerti lebih baik makna diri
semua lebih berarti akan mudah dihayati

Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah,

Alhamdulillah....

The Third

2008-10-03T16:35:00.008+08:00

Jadikanlah ku tentera Fisabilillah
Yang tertera di kalimah harap memanduilah
entah apabila persimpangan tiba,
Hidup penuh rintangan harus kuhadapinya
Harapku tidak terlupa diri bila gembira,
dan cuma mula mencari kau disaat hiba

Ku cuma manusia penuh dengan kesilapan
Tapi bisa membezakan cahaya dan kegelapan
Tabah bila dihalangan duri onak dan cobaan
Teguh bila dicobakan keruh kuasa dan perempuan

Sentiasa legar diminda,
Dikejar dan dipinta
Dari zaman bermula
Hingga ke akhirnya

Ku mengerti siapa ku tanpamu disisi
dan apa guna posesi juga posisi
Sementara ini cuma hanya puisi,
nukilan tulisan dan bisikan isi hati

Mencari keterangan ,menjiwai peranan
menepati pesanan ,janji juga saranan
Alhamdulillah atas kurniaan rezeki
moga tidak terleka dalam perjalanan ini...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you might have noticed I've changed my blogskin. Sempena Hari Raya la kan. Bilik da cantik, rumah da cantik, blog pun kene kasi kan cantik. Haaa, macam paham..

So anyway, somebody has been complaining about the way I blog. He says that I'm being too serious lately, no more joking around, not entertaining enough. Bro, I just have one question for you.

KAU INGAT BLOG AKU NI APER?! SARKES UNTUK BADOT PERFORM KASI KAU ENTERTAIN KEPE?! HAPRAK JOHNSON KEPALA BOJAN BETOL NI BUDAK...

Yes, this badot has the cheek to say to me that I'm not entertaining him enough. That I'm being too serious. When in the first place, is it even my job to entertain you dear friend?

Hishhhh, kie sabarr~

Tapi takper. Sempena bulan Syawal yang mulia ini (tapi tak semulia bulan Ramadhan..yang baru lepas..sob sob *don't mind me, I'm still having withdrawal symptoms*), aku, Muhammad Sufyan Al-Khalifah Bin Roslan, maafkan kawan baik aku, Muhammad Azhar Bin Haris Fadzilah setelah 7 tahun kita togethe...erm... I mean 7 tahun kita kenal each other. Halalkan makan minum aku yang dulu aku selalu curi dari kau, biarpun yang kau nampak atau pun kau tak nampak (banyak kali tau).

Aa, aku maafkan kau dari hujung rambut kau yang beserabai tu, hingga ke hujung kuku jari kaki kau yang tak dipotong berapa abad ntah. Apa-apa yang kau buat dulu biarpun curi pen, pencil aku..main bola rembat muka aku..kat ruma aku kau kentut kat muka aku..selalu curi makanan aku...kasi game Fifa 05 aku stuck kat dalam Xbox kau...dan banyak-banyak lagi la, aku ni baik taknak ungkit-ungkit cerita lamer. Yang da lepas tu biarkan da lepas la kan...haha

Anyway kan..

Ini lah gambar Aa tengah action kuat.
Padahal lepas gambar ni jer trus terbaring kat tengah road
Nasib baik tak kene lenyek dengan lorry 14 kaki Din drive.
Ntah camner bole maseh simpan gambar nie.hahaa

Sooooo, enough about my retarded good friend here...

Today marks the 3rd day of Syawal. 3 days have gone since Ramadhan went. And here I am still watching the empty space left behind by its departure...

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

Eh alamak. Mariah Carey pulak keluar.

So anyway, I've been trying to look forward to things, just so that I won't keep looking at Ramadhan. Dearest was right. This Ramadhan might be filled with many sweet memories, but to think back, in some departments, I failed utterly. gahhh~

InsyaAllah, next year..we'll meet again Ramadhan. I'm already looking forward to your coming
=))

First day as usual, went to my maternal grandfather's place in the morning at around 11. For those who don't know, I'm very very close with my maternal side. Aper tak, the bulk of my cousins on that side are my age or plus minus a year. Furthermore, during our toddler years, we grew up together, mesti la rapat.

Was very kecoh with all of us there, with Abang Nizam of course being the outstanding one. The Master of Lame Jokes. But somehow can still make us laugh as if he just told a joke worthy of being World's Best Comedian. Here's an example.

Abang Nizam : Yan, time tu korang gi tengok F1 eh?
Me : ahh, abang tak ikot per, balek cepat.
Abang Nizam : Tak uh sey, abang pun tgk...gerek oiiiii, bunyi kuat giler, mcm bleh pekak sey..dier jalan tepi bleh rasa gegaran..giler babi haprak johnson kepala bojan seyyy
Me: EH serious? Asal tak nampak abang?
Abang Nizam: Pasal abang gi kat satu tempat nie, takder org sey..gerekkkkk
Me: Ehh kat maner..kurang asam tak ajak
Abang Nizam : Ah ah...abg tgk kat ruma bukak sound kuat2. yang gegaran tu handphone abg vibrate jer. HAHAHAHA *walk away sambil ketawa macam orang gila*

So everybody, if I tend to make jokes which are often too lame or merepek, you should know that it runs in the blood. hehe
These are my cousins from my mum's side:

Alot of us wearing light blue. Serious tak janji, it just happened. My two adeks are the two smallest in front by the way. The two botaks at the back is our abang-abang army, my cousin Redzuan and my abang sedara, Nizam "Haprak Johnson Kepala Bojan". kekeke

After my atok house, all of us went to some of our second cousin houses. Our parent's cousin or something. Ntah la aper link nya. haha.
So at this one house, got this one makcik sungguh mengira. Yes, I have something against these people yang terlalu mengira sangat. Nak kasi kena tanyer da keje belom or something. Funny thing is kadang-kadang da kasi bole tarek balik pulak.

Don't get me wrong, I'm 20 and I don't think I should get. But bila orang kasi, jangan la ditolak.hee. But what I mean is that, kalau nak kasi, kasi dengan ikhlas. Tak yah tanya-tanya. Kalau da tanya, da mengira tu, takper la cik, take your money back. Tak ikhlas kasi pun buat apa.

That was what my abang sedara said, by the way, when one makcik nak give us but then kept on asking. When she asked my abang sedara, he said ,"Takper la cik, Cik nak kasi, saya amek, Cik taknak kasi pun saya tak kisah, pasal saya taknak amek dari orang yang kasi tak ikhlas".

Yes, my abang sdare is never one to minch his words especially when conveying his thoughts. Makcik tu trus terdiam, just give my abang sdara and trus kluar ruma. Duit tu pun my abang sdara tak simpan, he gave it to my baby brother. haha

After that, all of us went to my paternal side at Tampines. Dah memang lumrah for my maternal side to visit my paternal side because my paternal atok knows my maternal atok and also some of my uncles. They stayed for only half and hour or so before going off as they had other places to go.

Once again, going to my paternal side, it never failed to dissappoint me to see my cousins there at the state of..I don't know how to put it. Its just sort of condescending to say the least.
My hopes went up when one of them why I'm wearing a Fityan Ghufran shirt (it wasn't mine btw, its Tsuraiya's. She lent it to me during Kem Xplore) . I was thinking, kie maybe I could just explain abit and maybe get them to be more interested in this field. So I just explained that I'm not part of Fityan but I do help sometimes or just saja-saja went there. What started of brightly went out just like that when they decided its better to talk about each other's significant other.

Needless to say, I was shot with questions because of my handphone screensaver. I didn't exactly answer their questions, merely sidestepped them cos I know they'll say something sarcastic or kinda deameaning if I were to answer it outright.

Next thing, as usual, salam my atok and minta maaf. Alangkah terperanjat apabila time tu baru dapat tau atok ku sorang ni boleh tahan kaypo rupernyer. haha. Shan't say much about it, heh.
atok da approve tau byy..=pp hee

Well thats just that. Probably I'll update more later. Probably not. Too many things in the head and heart right now to fully comprehend.

I leave with saying:

Selamat Hari Raya to every Muslim in the world

I beg thee for forgiveness should I have done/said anything wrong..seen or unseen, intentional or unintentional. =)

oh btw
I miss you so much that it actually hurts.
wow
i always heard people talk about it and often laugh at them
i didnt noe that its actually true.
COOL OR WHUT?!
kekeke

immbu alot alot~
hee
=)

2008-09-30T10:28:00.004+08:00

Disaat waktu berhenti...kosong

Dimensi membutakan mata,memekakkan telinga

Lalu diri menjadi hampa

Saat paradigma dunia tak lagi digunakan untuk menerka

Sadarku akan hadirmu

Mematahkan sendi-sendi yang biasanya tegak berdiri...

Merenungi luar jendela
mengagumi kebesaran yang Maha Esa
ku menilai kehidupan dari sudut berbeza
tak memadai hanya kecapi rasa selesa
maukan harta yang mampu beli satu semesta

berpesta ke pagi botol bergelimpangan
kekasih muda bukan takat berpegang tangan
harta dan jamuan nafsu tidak berkekalan
bila menjelang tua bukan itu jadi bekalan

dan jangan puisi ini disalah tafsir pula
bukan berkhutbah cuma betuli diri jua
ingin hidup sempurna aset nilai berjuta
saling tukar wanita,senyum dan mati tua
bakat dikurnia jangan disalah guna
jangan kufur nikmat yang diberi percuma
guna kelebihan untuk hikmah bersama
jagalah nama hidup penuh pementasan dan drama

ada berisi, ada yang kurus
ada melencong, ada yang lurus
bukan semuanya tulus

ada sempuna ada kurang upaya
ada yang jadi buta hanya bila sudah kaya
sebesar rumah bermula dengan sekecil bata
boleh hilang dalam sekelip mata
ucaplah alhamdulillah bukannya sukar
kerna semua nak kaya atau besar
tetap Allahuakbar

----------------------------------------------------

As my dear friend takes his leave later today I take a look back of what has transpired this Ramadhan

Perhaps its only right that I would say that this Ramadhan was not only a fruitful one, it is perhaps one of the most meaningful one that I have went through. So far.

During the start of Ramadhan it has already been made clearly to me thru some means that this Ramadhan will truly be a testament for my resilience. Somehow, I just got that feeling, but deep in me, burns too a fire that will keep me going on.

The start of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah, God deemed it the right time to open my eyes to what is truly beautiful in life. The act of giving without asking back in return. The act of loving without expected to be loved back. In other words, the first few days of Ramadhan taught me the importance of keikhlasan hati. The act of giving and servtitude in His Cause, in what you believe in, without the expectancy of anything in return. And I know, *you are His gift to me for this.
=)

As it went, the second week of Ramadhan, God again deemed it important to open my eyes to the utmost importance of knowledge. Be it Ukhrawi or Duniawi. Perhaps it is some sort of a harbinger to what will come in the next week. Thru TMSN and some other means of my own design, it really opened up my eyes to its importance.

The third week came...and it is perhaps the hardest, more to mentally rather than physically. Emotionally, I never felt any better...for some particular reason. Results came, and although I kinda expected it, it still hits me smack in the face. Couple that with Project Jihad going at full-swing and some stuffs publicity has to handle, it was truly a test of acceptance.
Perhaps its right for me to say too that this week, I was made to realise the importance of ukhuwah, of appreciating those around me.

And I want to say...syukran jazilan to Faan for having the trust in me to get the job done in publicity. This mangkok never fail to make me tear up during debriefs.

Secondly, syukran jazilan to my publicity team, Rashid and Amanina. When we first started off, none of us know how to use Photoshop. Though I never thought you guys much about Photoshop due to lack of my own experience in it, I focused more on the leadership aspects of being in pub and what to do and get the job done. To Rashid, I see immense potential in you ever since iKem.
Working with you have been an utmost pleasure bro. To Amanina, same thing with Rashid, you too have immense potential, IF only you learn not to ask inappropriate questions in inappropriate times. Was a pleasure to have bully you around too. =p

Next, syukran jazilan to my two dearest sisters, Mira and Tsu. For being there when I was down. For telling me to get it done and over with. For reminding me never to leave things hanging again. For those chats till the late night talking nonsensical stuffs. You two are truly the best sisters I can ask for. =)
and nampaknya dua-dua da lawan abang sendiri. dalam diam ini dua eh.hishhhhhhh kongasamm~

and most importantly...syukran jazilan to my *dearest. For being there for me when I fell. For being the first to critic on my pub work. For being able to stand my merepekness (Seriously, I wonder how you can do that). For relighting the hope that faded. For putting down my defences and killing me with your smile, melting me with your adorability (wtf) and most importantly, for steadying me with your taqwa'. I can list down everything in this blogpost and it still wont be enough. In other words, syukran jazilan ya habibati. =)

Having said that, now I stand on the threshold of which I'm watching my dear friend, Ramadhan 1429H bids farewell for now. Your stay has been fruitful, dear friend. Granted I could have done better and all those times that I have wasted, InsyaAllah I will strive to not do that again.
Till 1430H, my friend.
I'll be looking forward to your coming.

اَلْحَمْدُ للهِ الَّذِي اسْـتَجَابَ دُعَآئِي وَاَعْطَانِي مَسْأَلَتِي
سُبْحَانَكَ اَللَّهُمَّ اَنْتَ رَبِّي حَقَّا حَقَّا، سَجَدْتُ لَكَ يَارَبِّ تَعَبُّدًا وَرِقًّا. اَللَّهُمَّ اِنَّ عَمَلِي ضَعِيْفٌ فَضَاعِفْ لِي. اَللَّهُمَّ قِنِي عَذَابَكَ يَوْمَ تُبْعَثُ عِبَادُكَ وَتُبْ عَلَيَّ اِنَّكَ اَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيْمُ

Segala puji bagi Allah yang telah mengijabah doaku dan memberi permohonanku.
Maha Suci Engkau. Ya Allah, Engkaulah Tuhaku yang sebenarnya, aku sujud kepada-Mu ya Rabbi sebagai pengabdian dan penghambaan. Ya Allah, sungguh amalku lemah, maka lipat gandakan pahalanya bagiku. Ya Allah, selamatkan aku dari siksa-Mu pada hari hamba-hamba-Mu dibangkitkan, terimalah taubatku, sesunguhnya Engkau Maha Menerima taubat dan Maha Penyayang.

2008-09-24T23:28:00.002+08:00

Aku termenung dibawah mentari
Diantara megahnya alam ini
menikmati indahnya kasihmu
Kurasakan damainya hatiku

Sabdamu bagai air yg mengalir
Basahi panas terik dihatiku
Menerangi semua jalanku
Kurasakan tentramnya hatiku

Jangan biarkan damai ini pergi
Jangan biarkan semuanya berlalu
Hanya padaMu Tuhan tempatku berteduh
dari semua kepalsuan dunia

Bilaku jauh dari dirimu
Akan kutempuh semua perjalanan
Agar selalu ada dekatmu
Biarku rasakan lembutnya kasihmu

Only 6 more days till we say goodbye for now to the best gift Allah has given for the believers
Only 6 more days till once again, we are not only victims of our own desires, but of dark whisperings as well

But most importantly, only 6 more days till ultimate salvation ends.

Ramadhan 1429H,

You've came when I was in a period of uncertainty. A period where I could find no answers for the questions I have before me. To say that I was lost is an understatement. I wasnt lost.
I hadn't even moved away from the start.

But you came and erased away all the uncertainty surrounding me
The doubt in my heart, you eradicate away with just your mere presence
You shined the light before me and made me see the beauty of everything around me, not only the person in front of me
The sweet, calm tune that you play caresses me lightly and from there I found the patience, the ability in me in supplication to Him

But once again, in my sheer absurdity, I disappoint you
Words have I uttered that are utmost defilement, and many a times that I've let my emotions overruled my rational thinking
Without thought, without respect for you (nau'zubillah) have I done things which I myself do not condone
I can hide behind the notion of myself being a man, and is such prone to such things
But if I say that, I'm just hiding behind excuses

Tears are falling as I am writing this to you, but what use are tears for they would not bring the time that you gave me and I wasted back
Your visit this year has been a roller coaster ride

What have I fulfilled?
Have I made your stay this year a fruitful one?
I could only guess and imply

As for now, you leave your final and best gift to us.
the gift of Lailatul Qadr
I will try my best to attain its hasanah, my friend.

Till next when we meet again...insyaAllah.
Your coming will be very much awaited.
=)

2008-09-17T10:57:00.002+08:00

Results are out

Well its not like I didn't see it coming

Put in the effort and let it all unravel on its own. Yeah, shit happens, something gone wrong along the way I guess.

Now I'm not sure whether I want to appeal or not.
Finish the goddamn diploma or switch and do something in which my interest lay instead
True, I got it all planned out. But at what cost? To myself..to the others around me..

choices choices choices

Everything happens for a reason. And now I stand at the crossroads.
Whichever decision I make now will have a utmost detrimental impact on my future.

Head says follow your interest. Heart says don't disappoint the others, just one more freaking year.

How about you, God? Waddya say?
ku hanya berupaya untuk beristikharah kepadaMu ya Ilahi...

2008-09-16T00:35:00.003+08:00

Just some things to keep in mind

Taikyoku

Zinniratul Insyirah

Uniquest Maha Terhegeh

The Prophet's Uncle

Popeye's

Qatsier

Rajnikanth

MSC Garden

Sliding Horses.GAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

To sum it up:

Sufyan: Because to me, thats why this is implemented. To show strength in Unity.
Hidayat: To show that being from different tertiaries, we can still work together
Bro Farhan: To show that weakness can become strengths when working together
Qatsier: To show that no matter our diversity, we are still of the same faith

2008-09-10T13:41:00.003+08:00

A picture's worth a thousand words

So in all essence, there's more than 3 thousand words in this post.
WOOTS

heh

2008-09-09T23:54:00.001+08:00

Get this to your thick cranium

THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU

If you think its for you, then it is.

2008-09-07T03:13:00.002+08:00

Transmission 3857645645

Clearance Level: High
Sector 3

We have been faced with an opposition the likes of which have never seen before until today. The initial plan was a success. After weeks of intense fighting in the frontline have finally battered the opposition's defences. We've stormed the opposition stronghold, brought down their defences and rightfully should have them upon their knees. But it proved to be otherwise.

The opposition is still going strong. Still holding on stubbornly, despite continous attempts from the Allied forces, still they have held on. Previous engagements have seen the Allied Forces go into the battle with full force but both have been proven to fail.

Perhaps now its time we take a different approach. A more subtle one. Still, the order calls out for an all-out attack. But instead of force, perhaps we should have been more....patient.
Instead of expecting victory, we should have been anticipating acceptance. And perhaps instead of being relentless, we should have been more...sincere

Initiate Operation: REALISE

Transmission Ended

2008-09-04T12:33:00.003+08:00

Only the fourth day of Ramadhan and I'm feeling sick
Actually I've been feeling sick for the most part of the exam week, just that I managed to hold it off
Perhaps now the sickness is coming in at full force. What a time for it to do so
But whatever the case, I'm gonna make it through this just the same

To stand straight
To stand limp
To sit
To crouch
To prone
To be on one foot
To be on the balls of the feet
To be on the tip of toes...
To... be where we can ever be...
Where do we, really want to be?
Who do we want to be?
Who we are really?
How do we come to be?

The greatest power that all of us have is the power to be ourselves.
Because when you start to become who you are, thats when you realise that there is nothing to fear.

All you have to do is choose. And decide.

As it comes to be, choices plays a big part in making us who we are. Whether choices made in the past, choices going to be made now or choices going to be faced in the future.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build it anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous; be happy anyway.

If you find love, others might be hurt by it; love anyway

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your soul, its never between you and them anyway.

Never hold back on the things that you want to say, of what is in the heart, of love unspoken because sometimes, we only have one oppurtunity to say it, only one moment. If you don't seize it, it'll just go by and you'll be left rueing your missed chances. You never know which day will be your or that person's last day.

If you love someone and that someone loves you back, take the risk because there's nothing to be lost. But everything to be gained.

Take a look at your life.

How would you describe it? contented? rushed? exciting? stressful? going forward? holding back? For many of us its all of the above at times.

There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Or would you want to anyway?

Choose and decide. Do what must be done

The waiting game starts now
Whenever you're ready, I'll be here

2008-09-03T18:49:00.002+08:00

A preview of STAR WARS : KNIGHTFALL REQUEIM
heee~

And He Shall Come Forth

Shiza Ashgrin squinted through the smoke that boiled from the shattered gape of what had used to be the Great Door. Squad after squad of warriors slipped close around the twisted durasteel wreckage that pinged and groaned as it cooled. They spread out within the smoke and shadow filled Atrium, weapons at the ready, eyes straining for a glimpse of target.

A squad of warriors have gone downl toward the Cavern, to connoiter.

That had been five minutes ago.

None had returned.

Shiza Ashgrin hung back at the doorway. He had not survived so much of this bloody war by underestimating Jedi.

Red-gold slimelight pulsed through the smoke from the Cavern archway. A figure solidified in that archway: a silhoutte approaching lazily through the smoke, haloed by the sunlight.

A human silhoutte. Bonelessly powerful like a sand panther out for a stroll.

Relaxed but alert.

Poised.

Predatory.

A superstitious chill ran down Shiza Ashgrin's spine as he calls out to nervously, "Identify yourself! What are you doing there?"

The answer came in a deep, mockingly cheerful growl."Isn't it obvious? I'm standing in your way."

Nayfus Nalsor. Shiza Ashgrin began to relax; this was Nayfus Nalsor, the weakling who could not even mount the causeway. Nayfus Nalsor, who got no respect from the other Jedi.
Nayfus the poser, the playactor. The joke. Shiza Ashgrin snorted. He should just order the fool cut down. But Nayfus didnt sound weak now. Or foolish. And what happened to the missing recon squad? And did Shiza Ashgrin wanted to be responsible for causing a brawl in the Cavern Of The Dead?

He bit his lip so hard, he could taste blood. "Stand aside! There are thousands of warriors out here! You cannot hope to stop us"

"I don't have to stop you. All I have to do is slow you down."

A sharp buzzing crackle made Shiza Ashgrin jump. From the shadow's hand sprang a meter-long bar of vividly sizzling irridescent ruby.

"You want me to move?" The shadow beckoned with the blade of light. "Come on and move me."

The smoke thinned and cleared, and the human within the archway didnt look at all like the Nayfus Shiza Ashgrin remembered. This Nayfus wore only faded brown leggings and battered leather boots. This Nayfus stood tall, broad-shouldered and the light form his ruby blade gleamed on the sculpted muscle of his bare chest.The blade in his hand is as steady as the roots of a mountain, but this was not what made Shiza Ashgrin hesitate.

It was the light in Nayfus' eyes.

He looked happy.

"There are thousands of warriors out here," Shiza Ashgrin repeated, waving a futile fist. "You are only one man!"

"Wrong. I am only one Jedi."

"You're insane!"

The man's answering laughter was deep and long and bright, full of joy and freedom. "No, I am Nayfus."

He spun his blade in a dazzlingly complex flourish that illuminated the arch around him, making it shine like a rainbow frame for the pure, animal grace of his body.

"This threshold," he announced through a happy grin. " is mine. I claim it for my own. bring on your thousands, one at a time or all in a rush. I don't give a damn."

His flourish ended with his blade held slanted before his chest, and his teeth flashed in the gloom.

"None shall pass."

2008-08-31T10:45:00.003+08:00

Born into darkness
He cannot kill what he cannot see, and power has blinded him long ago

Raised into infamy
It is such a quiet thing, to fall. But far more terrible is to admit it

Trained for hatred
It is only through interaction, through decision and choice, through confrontation, physical or mental, that the Force can grow within you

Sharpened to become the Dark Side's deadliest weapon
You who have forever seen the galaxy through the Force, see it through the eyes of the exile.

In him rests the fate of the Jedi
When one relies on sight to perceive the world, it is like trying to stare at the galaxy through a crack in the door

In him rests the fate of the Galaxy

Direct action is not always the best way. It is a far greater victory to make another see through your eyes than to close theirs forever

In him rests the fate of the Force
To have fallen so far and learned nothing—that is your failing

He was deaf
At last he could hear

He was broken
At last he is whole

He was blinded

At last he could see

He was in darkness
At last the light saved him

Coming to a blog near you

2008-08-30T07:17:00.003+08:00

Today is the day

where I meet destiny.

Where the paths that I chose to walk in the past few months will converge into one epicenter.

Whatever happens today, remember me for who I am last time.

Not who I am now

For today

I meet

DESTINY

2008-08-29T21:08:00.007+08:00

While the kids went to their alma mater today to celebrate Teacher's Day, us old-timers were either too lazy to go or just couldn't be bothered.

For my case, I've no concrete reason to go back to Jurong Secondary. My best friends, Azhar and Syafique are already close at hand. Azhar's in SP and also in SPMLS while Syafique is my neighbour. Most of my other friends are also in SP while the rest have gone to NS. None of them are going back to Jurong Sec anyways

As for teachers, my form teachers aren't there anymore while my favourite teacher, Mr Nur, is currently on leave today. So if I were to go back, it would be a damned big waste of time.

Well anyways, just went Solat Jumaat at Assyakirin just now. Was hoping to either bump into Din or Fahmi (Fityan). But instead bumped into Azhar. Kinda shocked to see him, cos I expected him to be somewhere near the front row. He lives near the masjid see. He told me he was late because he woke up at 1245. Figures. Some things never change eh Azhar? haha

Was thinking of going straight home after that but Azhar persuaded me to send him home. Ahh dia memang, manja sangat. Dah 7 tahun oiiii~ kekekeke

So as we walked, we talked about stuffs last time and we decided to walk at those places of which we frequent during the times when we were young and hopeless. Sooooooo, come now...take a walk down memory lane with meeee~

Every great footballer has their humble beginnings. And this...is mine
Presenting to you, the place where dreams were made. Where heroes are born
Where hamstrings are torn. Where blood is spilled in the name of football.

THIS IS...
*drum roll please*

THE DOME!!

Where records are made (10 goals in 5 minutes)
Where history is written ( JSS never lost to Yuan Ching here)

This is the goalpost which I score many goals.
Interesting to see that the dustbin issnt there anymore. Dah ranap agaknyer

Annnndd...this is the goalpost which I score even MORE goals. nyeheh
Wierdly enough, the team I played in tend to score at the other end rather than this one.

ANDDD....erk

this is Mr Azhar "Lehmann" Haris
Our rock in the defence.
He still is one of our fine defenders in SPMLS United..or should I say Ittihad Al-Ahzab.
See? He cant resist showing off his non-existent muscles

Erk.
The protagonist, Mr Sufyan "Rooney" Al-Khalifah
Caught red-handed tengah sangap

Would you believe that the soccer ball once got stucked at that top beam there?
It could actually balance and not topple over. How cool is that.
So me being the smart-ass, I took Syahid's shoe and threw it to drop the ball down.

End up, even the shoe got stucked up there. gahaha

What a great stadium without its own hall-of-fame?
This carving is done by Syafique "Ronaldo" Bakar
Nice?
You bet.
Its the only goddamn thing he could draw

Ahhhh nampak tu?
IMAN SELUAR KOYAK
4/8/04

Yes bro, you will not be forgotten.
HAHAHAHA

Don't mind the Anarchy sign there.
=)

and the coup de grace

THIS IS

Syahid's personal toilet
Enough said.

Other than the Dome some other places that we frequent...

THE PLAYGROUND!
wooooo~

hahahahahaa
This is where we played catching la, and other game2 bodoh
Yes, secondary 4 and still playing these stupid games.

The two poles there used to hold two swings.
I've no idea where the swings are right now.
Those swings are where we challenge each other to go the highest
and at the peak, we let go of the swing and flyyyyY~

No critical injuries so far
Though I have a feeling thats where I almost ruptured my hamstring.

And this is the spider web which we often play Royal Rumble.
Which is try to push each other off the structure.
The poseur there is the reigning Undisputed Champion.
Maner tak, tengok la badan. Orang nak campak dier, org tu yang melayang

So, with that impromptu walk in memory lane, I went back home.
In the bus, I just couldnt help thinking back and laughing back at those memories.
heh.

Thanks for the memories guys.
You've been missed.

.Hambaly.Adi.Syafique.Syahid.Azhar.Fadhirul.Iman.Sufyan
The Rebel Alliance
=)

Just a notification:

Ittihad Al-Ahzab (SPMLS FC) VS Sang Singa Purba (SSP)
Block 15 Marsiling Lane
30th August 2007
Kick-off :0930hrs

Ittihad Al-Ahzab Line-up (probable)

Ahmad Bourkhadi
Ahmad 'Wak' Abdillah
Azhar Haris
Fahmi 'Cok' Hussaini (C)
Ahmad Muzafar
Muhammad Farhan
Zunnurain
Mohammed Ridzwan
Muhammad Fayyadh
Muhammad Sufyan
Muhammad Syafiq

Subs:

Hafiz Othman
Ahmad Shahruddin
Shahrom
Tarmimie
Hadi Sufyan

And after the match..
heeeeeeeeeeeeeee
=)))

2008-08-29T06:51:00.002+08:00

T-Minus approximately 0200hrs to go

There's no guarantee that I will make out of this unscathe

Even now as I'm preparing for the final battle, I'm not at my best

Probably, 70% efficiency? I don't know. Maybe even less.

That and the fact that the statistics are all against me, the probability of me getting past this unscathe is perhaps not really high.

But what the hell.

Until the last.

=)

2008-08-27T11:26:00.002+08:00

Now then I realised that an upgrade to a 2GB RAM for my laptop can do wonders.

No more lag, no more latency. Hell, now it can even play those high-end graphics Star Wars games. WOOTS!

Taking apart my laptop yesterday, I realised now why the cooling fan sounds alot like a helicopter.
Its being choked by dust which has been accumulated since...well, since I bought the laptop..sayyyy, 3 years ago? heh. So took the vacuum cleaner and DUST-BE-GONE! wooo~

Now my lappy runs so fast, its like a new one. Not to mention that cooling fan now runs silently~.
Thinking of upgrading my HDD and Graphics card also..but thats for another time.

So anyway, went to Sim Lim yesterday with *someone and met.....

FU LU SHOU!!!!!

WOOOOOOO~ da lamer tak jumper members goreng babi kat saner.
I'm sure Faan, Gaylord, and Ninjaboy misses them too.gahaha

So went to Sim Lim.blablabla..supposed to buy 1GB RAM, but realised that 1GB -> $30 , 2GB ->$52 puas hati beli 2GB skali kan since I have the money and I do NEED the extra memory space *cough*holiday*cough*main game*cough*. After that, went to have a bite first before heading off to somewhere in the northeast. heh heh heh.

Oh yes Fahmi, inside the MRT we saw this one guy playing his PSP. Fuuuhhh, lagik mauts dari kau uh sey. Dah lah bukak sound satu cabin bole dengar, dier main dengan penuh konsentrasi.
With reference to Faan's quote about Fahmi playing games, "Biler Israfil tiup sangkakala, Fahmi and this guy will be the last two people to realise it" nyehehehe

So in short, yesterday was a nice daayyy~
A short day..but time well spent. hehe
And I cant wait for Saturday~
hehehehehehe
immbu(:

OKIE~

Now to serious shit stuffs.

These are just some of my train of thoughts. My insights in this matter.

Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. Yes, you might disagree vehemently with me, saying that judgement on others based on their shortcomings are wrong. Yes I know but it is wrong. But are we not humans? Like it or not, when you look at someone, there will always be a certain train of thought that goes past. We're already doing it, without realising.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that bringing out a person's flaws and shortcomings is wrong. It is wrong when you see it and you turn away from it. Or you see it, but you look past it. Flaws are evident in everyone, even yourself. We cannot run away from it. No on is perfect.

But you see, therein lies perfection. The ability for us to not only LOOK PAST the imperfections, but accept them. Realise that when you see someone as perfect, it is his/her imperfections that make up that picture of perfection. Take for example, a painting masterpiece. If you examine it closely, you will realise that the brush strokes are far from perfect. In fact, sometimes its just horrendous.

But instead of taking it in, you have to accept it, take a few steps back and now examine it at its full beauty. Realise that the imperfection that you have pointed out earlier, is imperative for the painting to be looked upon to its full beauty. Thats what I mean by perfection is built upon by imperfections.
=)

It is far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason while love requires complete acceptance.

Despite what the media often perceive, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. More ofthen than not, we are often blinded by the fact that that someone is right in front of us, oh how I know that so.

You will find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. Its value is meant to inspire you. Love cannot be forced. If it fails, then just take a lesson from it, rise back up and go on ahead. There's no use lying there and not wanting to go on with life. Love is meant to inspire, not destroy. But when you do, you will find that there is no half-measure in loving someone. You either don't or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology.

Realise that somewhere along the way, all of us will experience this path.
And perhaps...

I am walking it

=)

2008-08-24T21:51:00.001+08:00

Darkness...

Reigns when light falters. Consumes when all defences are down. Engulfs when not fought.

But needless to say, fighting darkness is like fighting a losing battle. It can never be abated. For everytime you let your guard down, it comes back. Stronger still. The only way is not to fight it. But to accept it. It is in us. In our hearts, in our minds. It is never far. It is always lurking in the shadows, ready to strike when you defences are down.

The dark is generous.
Its first gift is concealment.
As our true faces lie in the facade darkness of our skin, our true hearts remained shadowed still.
But the greatest concealment comes not from protecting our secret truths. It is from hiding us from the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.

Its second gift is comforting illusion.
The ease of gentle dreams in the night's embrace, the beauty of that imagination brings to us that will be repelled in day's harsh light.
But the greatest of its illusion is that the dark is temporary, that every night brings a new day.
Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.

Its second gift is the light itself.
Just like the days which are defined by the nights which divide them,
like stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel,
The dark embraces light and brings it forth from the centre of its own self
With each victory of the light, it is the dark which wins

Darkness is patient.
It is darkness that seeds cruelty to justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient for even the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come and the seeds will sprout for the dark is the soil in which they grow.
Darkness waits behind the star which gave them light.
Its patience is infinite.
For even stars eventually burn out.

Darkness always win.
For it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, in the kettle on the fire, under your chair, and under the sheets on your bed.
Walk in the mid-day sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

But fear not readers, the dark might be generous, patient and always wins.
But in the heart of darkness itself lies its weakness.
For one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars...

Love is God's one ultimate weapon to mankind to eradicate the darkness we all call...

Hatred.

Spread it.

Live it.

The world needs more of it to heal itself.
=)