I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth

But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves





In one smooth move, everything as I know it has changed drastically.

I have lost the ability to fully utilise my left hand.

I have lost the ability to actually walk properly.

I have lost the ability to feel.


It is when you find yourself lying at the middle of the field, screaming in excruciating pain because both of your legs decided to give way and you cannot push yourself up because one of your hands is fractured, you realise that this pain is what makes you know that you're still alive.

It is when you dragged your sorry state up the staircase, pushing away the pain as you went, eventually crawling and crumbling to the door, and as you lay there alone, you realise how it is to really be alone.

But just when you thought you're gone...


Hands lifted you up of the ground, as a cacophony of voices keeps assuring you that its going to be okay, hands stretching your muscles for you, giving them a much needed reprieve from being overstrained.

The door opens, awashing you with light as figures emerge from the opened door, asking if you're alright. They may not have helped physically, but their mere presences are just as uplifting.


It is when you're down, battered and broken in so many places, that you realise the things that you often take for granted.

But most importantly, you realise that there are always others around you. You are never truly alone.

Despite these pain, I did not solat using a chair, mainly because I don't find it comfortable and also I like the feel of closure between me and Him during sujud. It is during sujud that we are most closest to Allah S.W.T.

And yesterday as I sujud during Isya' despite the pain and the hollow feeling, comprehension dawned upon me and I was moved to tears. I teared like I've never teared before, to the point that my doa is not entirely comprehensible, even to myself. Whats that moment of epiphany about? Lets just say, right now, that hollow feeling is gone(:

And it doesn't matter that I fractured my left hand, or I overstrained both my legs. They might provide me with a little discomfort during solat, but never to the point of losing my focus.

I believe that Allah has tested me greatly in this week for atonement to all those things I have done in the past. Perhaps that is why He took away some of His Gifts that He has bestowed upon me. Perhaps He wants me to prove it to Him why it is justified for me to have those Gifts. Wallahua'lam bissowab, He knows best. But whatever it is, InsyaAllah, I will be ready should He Decree that these tests were to go on further. But dear God, not my right hand this time round kie? Its hard enough typing with one hand tau.hee.

Whatever it is,


Ya Allah, know that with each and every breathe I take, I am thankful towards you for having me go through these obstacles you have imposed upon me. Your tests only make me a stronger person and should I have failed in any of your tests, I rest easy knowing that You will Guide me through it again to get through it.

Ya Allah, grant me the patience, the will, the strength and most importantly the faith in You to overcome all these obstacles you have place before me. Grant me the acceptance required to accept Qadar as it was written in Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuud for when things don't go my way, it only means that You have other plans for me.

Ya Allah, grant me forgiveness as I stand in atonement for everything I had done in the past. As I lay my forehead upon this ground in reverence to You, I am aware that should You Decree that these Gifts You have bestowed upon me taken away, I am no more better than the dirt upon which I am prostrating on.

I have sinned and at times, I have done things that I am not proud of. I have failed You utterly. But never once You turned Your back on me. You were always there, always waiting for me to come back. Your Patience is limitless; Your Bounties vast. With every walk I take towards You, You ran to me. With every step I take towards you, two steps You take towards me. Your Love is unrivalled, and Your Love is what I seek.

Ya Allah, keep close to my heart. Allow me not to turn away from You when You have showed me Guidance and Light. Bestow upon me patience and humility so I can better serve You in my capacity, insyaAllah.


and before I end,
Just wanted to share something strange yet wonderous that happened to me at the doctor's just now:

Doctor : *looking at xray of my hand* Sufyan, how big was the person who stepped on your hand?
Me : Can't say, taller than me definitely. Maybe a head taller or so.
Doctor : Hmmms *look at xray again*

**This is the best part**

Doctor : Sufyan, do you believe in God?
Me : *mouth wide open because I really wasn't expecting that* Erm..yes I do.
Doctor : So, do you love God?
Me: Yes. With all my heart.
Doctor : Good. Because God obviously loves you too. Because thats the only explanation I can think about when 70-80kg of weight and wearing boots fell on top of your hand and you got away with just a minor hairline fracture that by your healing rate will heal in at most one week's time.



Fi amanillah, barakallahu feekum
Salam alaik
=)