The Muse
The Muse
Reach me:
Rite Of Passage
Famous Last Words
The Extended
Famous Last Words
In every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye
was a mistake too great to hide
Thursday, 21 August 2008
After a grueling battle, the war has ended.
Operation: TotalReform is a success and Windows XP Pro Service Pack 3 successfully installed in system.
What I didn't forsee is that all of my drivers would be wiped out by the reformat. Took me approximately 2 hours to find the driver for my Wireless LAN card. Thanks alot to Yusri for finding out the model of my wireless card.
On to matters...
People often look at me in bewilderment when I told them that I've walked around town alone.
And their bewildered look often changed to amazement when its comes to the part of which I tell them I've watched movies alone in the cinema before.
Why? Is there anything wrong with that?
More often than not, they say that I don't seem the type to be a loner or in colloquial terms, emo.
Oh what-the-hell. Now, being alone is being an emo is it?
Wanting to be alone now constitutes as being a self-mutilating, low self-esteem, self-hating idiot does it?
Come now people, stop being confined to what the media masses feed you. Throw away what all those MCR crap shows you.
I've been called an emo, a mainstream-hater and other sorts of degrading terms. First all, emo is too overrated a word. You see someone being along, you go "oh he's emo". You see someone being sad or angry, you go "oh he's emo". Who's the emotional one here? You're the one judging people based on your emotional perceptions of the situation rather than rational thought.
And furthermore, I don't HATE the mainstream. I just refuse to conform to it.
Instead, I prefer to see myself as a maverick. Someone who refuses to abide by the guidelines dictated by the society as a whole. I prefer to make my own way. Not only follow the path, not only make my own. But also raze the other paths. I have my own stand in this and I hold firmly to it, but that doesn't mean I'm blinded to other's ordeals.
Perhaps why I became sort-of a loner is because of my upbringing. 10 years of being an only child, I could say that perhaps the closest thing to a brother that I had at that time is my cousin Redzuan. And then, came the birth of my baby sister, Sakinah. It was then that circumstance dictate that I were to grow out of the protection of my family and seek to widen my horizons.
But at that time, I was too young to know any better. However, fate decides to unravel itself to me over time.
At the age of 10, I faced something that someone 5 times my age probably would never had witnessed before. At the age of 10, I witnessed the death of a close friend, who died virtually right in front of me. At that age, I didn't know where the pain came from. I just know that it hurts alot. And at that time, I had no warning of its coming...let alone any defences. I did what the only thing I could. I withdraw upon myself.
It was from this that I started to push others away. I withdraw upon myself as tightly as I could, but at the same time, I didn't show it. No one knew that I was pushing them away, for I never make it seem that I am doing so. Just ask anyone from my primary school, I doubt any of them remembers me.
But it was from this self-imposed exile that I started on a path of an amazing self-discovery. It was here that I realised what I can or cannot do, what I'm capable of. And it was here that I first walked the path of darkness..of hatred.
Do you know how it feels to have anger coursing through your veins every minute of the day?
Do you know how it feels like to be constantly angry at the world for what you perceive as 'unfairness'?
Do you know how it feels like to hate something or someone so much, that somehow, its not just good enough to give him a beating, you want him to suffer more.
I know. Because I've felt all that before. I've walked that path before.
I'm not proud of it. But I can't run away from the reality of it.
We all have our pasts and at this point of time, mine is the darkest
I've stolen, I've lied, I've hurt, I've rebelled
And all the while as this happens, I am constantly blaming the world for letting this happen.
Constantly being angry for what I perceived as unfairness.
I never had a best friend when I was in secondary school. Close ones, yes, but never one what is very close that I could confide in. Azhar and Syafique are closest to me but neither knows alot about me. Ask either one and they'll give you a rather contradicting view of me each.
It was also during secondary school that I was on a constant barrage of emotional attacks that contributes to me being in that state.
People often talk about their loves ones leaving them..or they best friends betraying them.
But I can safely say that it pales in comparison to have two of your loved ones leaving you, your close friends betraying you and being rejected by someone.
The pain of Loss multiplied by two. The pain of Betrayal. The pain of Rejection.
From this, I withdraw back into myself. Immersing more and more in the red tide of anger and hatred. I became the very thing that I sought to destroy. I became an anti-social. An emo.
In other words...
I was broken.
But as I step into polytechnic, I began to see things differently. Perceptions began to change.
The best way for someone to change is when he sees a reflection of himself in the mirror.
And that is what happened to me.
I forced myself to look into the mirror and see what I've became. Physically, I'm still the same, albeit more leaner and just a little bit more taller. But as I visualised how I am inside, I came across an image of a hatred-fueled, anger-coursing monster in my mind. I was taken aback by it and I asked myself:
"Is this what I want to continue to be? A menace to society? When I die, will they remember what I did or what I havn't done?"
You're not fighting against the world, boy. Because there's nothing wrong with it
You're fighting against yourself. Because that's all where the wrongs are. In yourself.
It was then that I decided to grab a hold of myself and make the wrongs right again. Different people have I came across in my quest for redemption. Some came with a whimper and left with a bang, while some are here still. Everyone that I've met, everyone that I've came across have played a part in shaping me to who I am today. It is then that my phlegmatic side became dominant and put down my melancholic side.
But it is not without any shortcomings that I've reinvented myself. Insensitivity has been my prime shortcoming, in accordance with others like excessive pride. I have to admit that being sensitive is something that I have to work on, perhaps because I'm blinded to the fact that doesn't mean I'm not that sensitive, others aren't also.
Perhaps now, as I stand upon the threshold of my life and see what is left before me, I realised that there's still so much to go on...still so much to fight for.
The flame of faith burns wild again
Disrupted not by all these pain
Hatred is defeated by the light
Sending it running into the night
The morning light washes through
I look up to the skies so blue
Towards where the sun is shining
for this is not the end,
But a new beginning...
with *you at my side
=)
Operation: TotalReform is a success and Windows XP Pro Service Pack 3 successfully installed in system.
What I didn't forsee is that all of my drivers would be wiped out by the reformat. Took me approximately 2 hours to find the driver for my Wireless LAN card. Thanks alot to Yusri for finding out the model of my wireless card.
On to matters...
People often look at me in bewilderment when I told them that I've walked around town alone.
And their bewildered look often changed to amazement when its comes to the part of which I tell them I've watched movies alone in the cinema before.
Why? Is there anything wrong with that?
More often than not, they say that I don't seem the type to be a loner or in colloquial terms, emo.
Oh what-the-hell. Now, being alone is being an emo is it?
Wanting to be alone now constitutes as being a self-mutilating, low self-esteem, self-hating idiot does it?
Come now people, stop being confined to what the media masses feed you. Throw away what all those MCR crap shows you.
I've been called an emo, a mainstream-hater and other sorts of degrading terms. First all, emo is too overrated a word. You see someone being along, you go "oh he's emo". You see someone being sad or angry, you go "oh he's emo". Who's the emotional one here? You're the one judging people based on your emotional perceptions of the situation rather than rational thought.
And furthermore, I don't HATE the mainstream. I just refuse to conform to it.
Instead, I prefer to see myself as a maverick. Someone who refuses to abide by the guidelines dictated by the society as a whole. I prefer to make my own way. Not only follow the path, not only make my own. But also raze the other paths. I have my own stand in this and I hold firmly to it, but that doesn't mean I'm blinded to other's ordeals.
Perhaps why I became sort-of a loner is because of my upbringing. 10 years of being an only child, I could say that perhaps the closest thing to a brother that I had at that time is my cousin Redzuan. And then, came the birth of my baby sister, Sakinah. It was then that circumstance dictate that I were to grow out of the protection of my family and seek to widen my horizons.
But at that time, I was too young to know any better. However, fate decides to unravel itself to me over time.
At the age of 10, I faced something that someone 5 times my age probably would never had witnessed before. At the age of 10, I witnessed the death of a close friend, who died virtually right in front of me. At that age, I didn't know where the pain came from. I just know that it hurts alot. And at that time, I had no warning of its coming...let alone any defences. I did what the only thing I could. I withdraw upon myself.
It was from this that I started to push others away. I withdraw upon myself as tightly as I could, but at the same time, I didn't show it. No one knew that I was pushing them away, for I never make it seem that I am doing so. Just ask anyone from my primary school, I doubt any of them remembers me.
But it was from this self-imposed exile that I started on a path of an amazing self-discovery. It was here that I realised what I can or cannot do, what I'm capable of. And it was here that I first walked the path of darkness..of hatred.
Do you know how it feels to have anger coursing through your veins every minute of the day?
Do you know how it feels like to be constantly angry at the world for what you perceive as 'unfairness'?
Do you know how it feels like to hate something or someone so much, that somehow, its not just good enough to give him a beating, you want him to suffer more.
I know. Because I've felt all that before. I've walked that path before.
I'm not proud of it. But I can't run away from the reality of it.
We all have our pasts and at this point of time, mine is the darkest
I've stolen, I've lied, I've hurt, I've rebelled
And all the while as this happens, I am constantly blaming the world for letting this happen.
Constantly being angry for what I perceived as unfairness.
I never had a best friend when I was in secondary school. Close ones, yes, but never one what is very close that I could confide in. Azhar and Syafique are closest to me but neither knows alot about me. Ask either one and they'll give you a rather contradicting view of me each.
It was also during secondary school that I was on a constant barrage of emotional attacks that contributes to me being in that state.
People often talk about their loves ones leaving them..or they best friends betraying them.
But I can safely say that it pales in comparison to have two of your loved ones leaving you, your close friends betraying you and being rejected by someone.
The pain of Loss multiplied by two. The pain of Betrayal. The pain of Rejection.
From this, I withdraw back into myself. Immersing more and more in the red tide of anger and hatred. I became the very thing that I sought to destroy. I became an anti-social. An emo.
In other words...
I was broken.
But as I step into polytechnic, I began to see things differently. Perceptions began to change.
The best way for someone to change is when he sees a reflection of himself in the mirror.
And that is what happened to me.
I forced myself to look into the mirror and see what I've became. Physically, I'm still the same, albeit more leaner and just a little bit more taller. But as I visualised how I am inside, I came across an image of a hatred-fueled, anger-coursing monster in my mind. I was taken aback by it and I asked myself:
"Is this what I want to continue to be? A menace to society? When I die, will they remember what I did or what I havn't done?"
You're not fighting against the world, boy. Because there's nothing wrong with it
You're fighting against yourself. Because that's all where the wrongs are. In yourself.
It was then that I decided to grab a hold of myself and make the wrongs right again. Different people have I came across in my quest for redemption. Some came with a whimper and left with a bang, while some are here still. Everyone that I've met, everyone that I've came across have played a part in shaping me to who I am today. It is then that my phlegmatic side became dominant and put down my melancholic side.
But it is not without any shortcomings that I've reinvented myself. Insensitivity has been my prime shortcoming, in accordance with others like excessive pride. I have to admit that being sensitive is something that I have to work on, perhaps because I'm blinded to the fact that doesn't mean I'm not that sensitive, others aren't also.
Perhaps now, as I stand upon the threshold of my life and see what is left before me, I realised that there's still so much to go on...still so much to fight for.
The flame of faith burns wild again
Disrupted not by all these pain
Hatred is defeated by the light
Sending it running into the night
The morning light washes through
I look up to the skies so blue
Towards where the sun is shining
for this is not the end,
But a new beginning...
with *you at my side
=)