There only so much a man can take at a time.

I've always prided myself as someone who has a tight reign on his mental and emotional being.

Ask any of my friends about it and they will tell you that I'm one of the best under-pressure thinkers there are.

I don't get stressed easily and I've never broke down before.
No, I'm not being arrogant about it.

I'm just telling it as it is.


But ever since a few weeks before Kem, my mental being is slowly eroding.
Yes, I've noticed that.

Too many stuffs occupied my brain space, not allowing me to think clearly and for once, I was overwhelmed with thoughts.

During the course of the Kem, I was constantly on the verge. Most didn't notice it as I was a hyper-idiot during the Kem. Running around being a clown and what-nots.
Anyone who knows me WELL knows that I never show how I truly feel out for the whole world to see.

Its not easy, being in two departments at once, having to answer the calls for both departments.
And furthermore, you're being under constant watch as people are waiting for you to make a slight wrong move to take you down.

But I couldn't care less. I did what I did during camp was because I was more worried about how the others under my protection are looked upon rather than worry about how I was looked upon.
But that doesn't make me any less paranoid about it.

After the camp, things didn't get any better for me.

Overload of feelings, of uncertainty....and of responsibility in the coming future.

I am hounded by the what-ifs of the present and the future.
Too scared to take the first step due to my uncertainty towards the unknown.

The strange thing is that I've never been like this before, only now.

Why?

Because its only now that I realise that the paths I take now, will affect not only MY future,
but the future of others as well.

Its a scary thing you know. To know that in your hands lie not only the fate of your destiny, but the fate of some others as well.

But somehow, I have foreseen this.

Time to step up to the plate, Sufyan.
Stop running away from responsibilities and instead face them on

Be who you are born to be.
A Leader.

Live up to expectations.
and most importantly,
Live up to the name.


On to matters of my emotional being.

As some of you know, I've always had a problem regarding my temper.
Although now I've managed to subdue it, its still somewhat of a problem.

How many times during soccer training that I snapped at my defenders for harsh tackling?

How many times during training that I snapped at the other for lacklustre performances? Although my own performance is to be questioned?

And how many times have I succumb to walking off in frustration or anger during face-off negotiations?

Anger has always been a problem for me, but Alhamdulilah, I've a good hold of it now.

But lately, I've been succumbing to sudden flare of angers which I myself could not explain why.

It was only just now that I managed to pinpoint why.

I realised that once again, my mind and heart is at a war with each other.


A constant war which has spanned countless hours.
This is a problem that I have faced with alot of times.
And the one who suffered?

My mental and emotional being.

What do you do when your heart is telling you to stay, for she is showing signs that the wait will be a fruitful one? And this feelings, this loss that you feel is not part of your imagination. Its pretty much REAL?

While on the other hand, your mind is telling you that you're only waiting for something thats not going to happen.That yes, she's showing signs, but being the idiot that you are, most likely you're reading them wrongly.

I can only take so much mental and emotional disreptancies at a time.

I'm just a man, after all.

Because every one has their limits, no matter how high it is.

And I guess


I'm reaching mine.

I wait for a lonely breath
I wait to surface from this death
Wait for the light to come
And take away these images I get
In my head

More than ever
I need to feel you
More than ever
I see the real you

I wait for a silent tear
I wait for things to disappear
Wait for the ground to stop moving
underneath my only fear
If I lose you I don't know