After almost a year of this blog being hidden from public eyes

I have decided to make this blog public.

What was once a private sanctuary of mine to rant and rave as I wish in private,

have now been made into a unsecured domain in which anything I write will be seen by others.

You might find however that there is no archives on this blog.

Because I like it to be kept that way.

I've no fear of the past whatsoever nor do I fear of others judging me by my past.

I have a bigger fear of getting caught using atrocious English here however.
heh

Now, lets start.

To a friend.
This is for you.
Be strong with what you are facing.
I know you can
=)

Death.

A subject matter which in itself is a taboo in which others tend to stay away from.

The mention of Death alone is enough to bring the strongest man to his knees.

Death is the gateway that all of us will face one day.
The gateway to another world.
Akhirat

I have faced quite a few deaths as of now.
Yeah, and to think I'm only 19.

The death of both my grandmothers, my granduncle, my great-grandmother and great-grandfather, an uncle and my best friend have I witnessed.

The death of my maternal grandmother happened when I was 6.
I was still little back then, so I hadn't known much.
Mum told me that most of my cousins too were clueless about what was happening back then.
Figures though, I'm the third eldest among my cousins, so the rest should be 4-5 years old only.

I was the closest to my maternal grandmother and she was the one who raised me up.
I remembered all those times when mum scolded me and I always ran to her, knowing that she'll scold my mum for scolding me.
And whenever she comes back from the market, she'll always have something for me.

The day she went back to God, I remembered it clearly like it was yesterday.
I remembered her lying on the bed, to weak to even move her head, let alone move around.
She was a long-time sufferer of stroke see..

I vividly remembered kissing her before I went for a nap.
And when I woke up, I remembered seeing my aunts and my mum crying.
My uncles are consoling them but they themselves were crying silent tears.

The first thing I asked my mum was ,"Mak maner?" (I call both my grandmothers Mak)
She just said, "Mak tengah tido".
And for the few years that follow, I believed her.
It wasn't till I was primary 2 that I followed my dad to her grave that my dad told me that is my grandmother's grave.
I couldn't remember my reaction much, but my dad told me that I couldn't take it.
I went to her grave and begged my grandmother to wake up.
But I was young, and couldn't know any better.

Primary 4,

I once had a best friend who is a Chinese but he knows how to speak fluent Malay.
His name? Kelvin.

He was the mathematics genius of the class and I always copied his maths assignments.
I remembered him as a bright, cheerful kid...with a mischievous streak which mirrors mine.
Kelvin, you see...is suffering from a hole-in-his-heart.
When he was born, doctors told his mother that he wouldn't last long, as there is a hole in his heart. But he defied them and reached Primary 4.

I remembered that fateful day...
We were in class and I was as usual, copying his homework.
Kelvin complained to me about feeling a sharp pain at his chest area but I was none the wiser.
I thought that it was just a minor pain, so I ignored him and continued copying his work.
He laid his head down on the table...

and never raised it again.

It was only an hour or so after he laid his head down that my teacher noticed and thought he was sleeping.
She came over to wake him up...only to realise he wasn't breathing.
By then it was already too late.
I was there at the funeral where Kelvin's mother told me that it wasn't my fault for his death.

But till now, I still can't fully forgive myself for what happened.
For being a pretentious fool for not telling the teacher straight away when he complained of that pain.
I was a fool.
And for that, I can never forgive myself.

Secondary 4,

it happened too fast.

one moment I was holding her hands in mine.
Telling her that everything's going to be okay.
She couldn't talk because of her cancer.
But there is no need for words at that point of time.

The next moment I know, I'm on the phone with my cousin on the other end, stuttering to find the words.
But the moment he called, I know

I just know.

During the funeral, my grandfather and I were the only one who didn't cry.
Sad? Yes.
But cried? No.

Why? You might wonder.

Because...


Of the simple fact that I have learnt to accept things as they come.

ACCEPTANCE.

That is a very important trait that we have to inculcate in life.

Acceptance of the choices you have made last time.
Acceptance of the paths that lay before you.
And acceptance of the choices you will make in the future.
But perhaps the most important

Is acceptance in what God has decided fit to give you.

We have to learn to accept things as they come.

And also, we have to learn to let go..and realise that in this world, nothing lasts forever.
realise that to love, we have to be prepared to feel the pain of loss.

Because it is very much real.
Love and pain, one cannot live without the other.
Just as light and dark.
Shadows and light.

For one to exist the other has to also.
To embrace one, you have to embrace the other.


To a dear friend,

Its time for you to save someone else.
And that is yourself.

Look inside you for that flame of Faith that has kept you going all these while.
Accept the path that God has lay down in front of you.
And most importantly, learn that with love, comes pain.
Both walk hand in hand and thus, to embrace one you have to embrace the other.

When a loved one passes on, it is never an easy thing.
Even for someone like me, who have experienced it a few times.
When you came online that day and told me that she has passed on, I really felt for you.
It is never easy.

My friend, please remember.
It is never a bad thing to think back and reminisce about past events.
Because it makes you remember what it is that had happened.
Because memories will ease the pain.
But my friend,

do not dwell too much on the past that the memories you hold become hauntings.
It is a double-edged sword.
Reminisce but do not be too held back by the past.
Because all of us have to move on with life.
It is the nature of life to be ever-changing.

Find that flame of Faith in you.
And relight it again.
For I know.
I believe.
That you can do it.

Insya-Allah, Athifah
=)